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The Humor-News Letter, 20051023

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it.



Now its time for the show to start !!!!



YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN...........

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. With every commercial on television, you look to see if it has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!





1-1



The Yellow Shirt

Nice story.......enjoy!



The Yellow shirt
The baggy yellow shirt had long sleeves, four extra-large pockets trimmed in black thread and snaps up the front. It was faded from years of wear, but still in decent shape. I found it in 1963 when I was home from college on Christmas break, rummaging through bags of clothes Mom intended to give away. "You're not taking that old thing, are you?" Mom said when she saw me packing the yellow shirt. "I wore that when I was pregnant with your brother in 1954!" "It's just the thing to wear over my clothes during art class, Mom. Thanks!" I slipped it into my suitcase before she could object. The yellow shirt be came a part of my college wardrobe. I loved it. After graduation, I wore the shirt the day I moved into my new apartment and on Saturday mornings when I cleaned. The next year, I married. When I became pregnant, I wore the yellow shirt during big-belly days. I missed Mom and the rest of my family, since we were in Colorado and they were in Illinois. But that shirt helped. I smiled, remembering that Mother had worn it when she was pregnant, 15 years earlier. That Christmas, mindful of the warm feelings the shirt had given me, I patched one elbow, wrapped it in holiday paper and sent it to Mom. When Mom wrote to thank me for her "real" gifts, she said the yellow shirt was lovely. She never mentioned it again. The next year, my husband, daughter and I stopped at Mom and Dad's to pick up some furniture. Days later, when we uncrated the kitchen table, I noticed something yellow taped to its bottom. The shirt! And so the pattern was set.

On our next visit home, I secretly placed the shirt under Mom and Dad's mattress. I don't know how long it took for her to find it, but almost two years passed before I discovered it under the base of our living-room floor lamp. The yellow shirt was just what I needed now while refinishing furniture. The walnut stains added character. In 1975 my husband and I divorced. With my three children, I prepared to move back to Illinois. As I packed, a deep depression overtook me. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered if I would find a job. I paged through the Bible, looking for comfort. In Ephesians, I read, "So use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy whenever he attacks, and when it is all over, you will be standing up." I tried to picture myself wearing God's armor, but all I saw was the stained yellow shirt. Slowly, it dawned on me. Wasn't my mother's love a piece of God's armor? My courage was renewed. Unpacking in our new home, I knew I had to get the shirt back to Mother. The next time I visited her, I tucked it in her bottom dresser drawer. Meanwhile, I found a good job at a radio station. A year later I discovered the yellow shirt hidden in a rag bag in my cleaning closet. Something new had been added. Embroidered in bright green across the breast pocket were the words "I BELONG TO PAT." Not to be outdone, I got out my own embroidery materials and added an apostrophe and seven more letters. Now the shirt proudly proclaimed, "I BELONG TO PAT'S MOTHER." But I didn't stop there. I zig-zagged all the frayed seams, then had a friend mail the shirt in a fancy box to Mom from Arlington, VA. We enclosed an official looking letter from "The Institute for the Destitute," announcing that she was the recipient of an award for good deeds. I would have given anything to see Mom's face when she opened the box. But, of course, she never mentioned it. Two years later, in 1978, I remarried. The day of our wedding, Harold and I put our car in a friend's garage to avoid practical jokers. After the wedding, while my husband drove us to our honeymoon suite, I reached for a pillow in the car to rest my head. It felt lumpy. I unzipped the case and found, wrapped in wedding paper, the yellow shirt. Inside a pocket was a note: "Read John 14:27-29. I love you both, Mother." That night I paged through the Bible in a hotel room and found the verses: "I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do, you will believe in me." The shirt was Mother's final gift. She had known for three months that she had terminal Lou Gehrig's disease. Mother died the following year at age 57. I was tempted to send the yellow shirt with her to her grave. But I'm glad I didn't, because it is a vivid reminder of the love-filled game she and I played for 16 years. Besides, my older daughter is in college now, majoring in art. And every art student needs a baggy yellow shirt with big pockets. ( chain letter EDITED OUT BY DAVID ) A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.



THE OLD PATHS

I like the old paths

When Moms were at home
Dads were at work
Brothers went into the Army
Sisters got married BEFORE having Children!

Crime did not pay
Hard work did
And people knew the difference

Moms could cook
Dad's would work
Children did behave

Husbands were loving
Wives were supportive
Children were polite

Women wore the jewelry
Men wore the pants
Women looked like ladies
Men looked like gentlemen
And children looked decent

People told the truth
And hated a lie
They came to church to get IN
Not to get OUT

Hymns sounded Godly
Sermons sounded helpful
Rejoicing sounded normal
And crying sounded sincere

Cursing was wicked
Drinking was evil
And divorce was unthinkable

The flag was honored
America was beautiful
And God was welcome !!

We read the Bible in public
Prayed in school
And preached from house to house

To be called an American was worth dying for
To be called a Christian was worth living for
To be called a traitor was a shame !!

Sex was a personal word
Homosexual was an unheard of word
And abortion was an illegal word

Off color jokes were only told among dirty men folk
Preachers preached because they had a message
Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY !!

Preachers preached from the Bible
Singers sang from the heart
And sinners turned to there Lord to be SAVED !!

A new birth meant a new life
Salvation meant a changed life
Following Christ led to eternal life

Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God
Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord
Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus
Being a sinner meant someone was praying for you !!

Laws were based on the Bible
Homes read the Bible
Churches taught the Bible
People quoted the Bible

Preachers were more interested in new converts
Then new clothes and cars
God was worshiped
Christ was exalted
And the Holy Spirit was respected

Church was where you found Christians on the Lord's Day
Rather than in the garden,
On the creek bank
On the golf course
Or being entertained somewhere else.

Yep I still like the old paths the best !

Amen














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After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy reached over, grabbed the bowl and announced, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, I will!!"
The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

But the young cowboy paid no attention to the advice of the old cowboy and eargly wolfed the chili down, spooning it in with delight.

He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly said, "Yep, that's as far as I got too.....!o)


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David Bowles







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