Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures
were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The
second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he
preached 1 hour and 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the
congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my gums were so
sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The
third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures..... AND I COULDN'T
STOP TALKING!
Did Ya' Know: ------------------------------------ The monumental movie
made in 1939, GONE WITH THE WIND, resulted in 449,512 feet of film, of which
only about 20,300 feet appear in the final picture.
Jules Verne,
regarded as the father of science fiction, wrote a scientific treatise on
balloons, but it was spurned by publishers until he offered it as a
fictional adventure titled "Five Weeks in a Balloon."
Samuel Colt
(1814-1862), inventor of the revolver that bears his name, got the idea for
its revolving cylinder as a 16 year old seaman watching the helmsman turn the
ship's wheel, each spoke aligning with a clutch that held it
fast.
Daniel Defoe took ROBINSON CRUSOE to 20 publishers before
he finally got it printed. It has been a best-seller for over 250 years
and been translated into 10 languages.
*grin* It makes people
wonder! ~AIKEN~
+-------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+
JANUARY
January is... National Fiber
Focus Month
January 1 is... First Foot Day
January 2 is...
Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes
Day
January 8 is... National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher's
Day
January 10 is... Peculiar People Day
January 11 is...
National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend
Day
January 12 is... Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
January 22
is... National Answer Your Cat's Question Day
January 23 is... Measure
Your Feet Day
January 24 is... Eskimo Pie Patent Day
January 27
is... Thomas Crapper Day
January 28 is... Kazoo Day and Rattle Snake
Round-Up Day
--------- Pilotless Plane Takes Off and Disappears ---------
SAN RAFAEL,
California - Amateur pilot Paul Clary was working on his plane, the "1946
Aeronca Champion" when it broke free from its blocks. With the throttle up,
the plane taxied down the runway and took off without anyone at the
controls. He described the incident as a "nightmare." He was trying to
drain a flooded engine when he turned the propeller and the engine
started. He and his son chased the plane in a van for almost 10 minutes
until they lost sight of it. Emergency broadcasts alerted local radio of the
potential danger, and a helicopter was sent to locate the plane. Authorities
estimate that the plane crashed because it only had two hours worth of
fuel. The helicopter ceased it's mission after a four-hour search. Walt
Smith, regional coordinator for the Federal Aviation Administration said,
"This will be in the aviation history books. It's pretty wild. We thought
we'd heard everything." So did we.
----- Massachusetts Woman Meets the Spiders from Mars ------
Nancy
Talbott is in search of spiders from Mars. The whole thing started last year
on a cool September night. Nancy woke up to a loud droning noise that
completely surrounded her remote Massachusetts home. The phenomenon lasted
about an hour, and although she went outside to investigate the pitch
dark kept her from seeing anything. The next morning her entire property was
covered in thousands of what she described as little gooey spider webs. They
were everywhere covering the house, lawn, trees and fences. She sent a
sample to a local lab which told her they did not know what the
substance was, but it was not spider webs. Is it the ex- haust of an
experimental aircraft? Is it a new type of air pollution? Is it the
aftermath of a close encounter? She is still searching for answers, so if
any of this sounds familiar Nancy would love to hear from you.
If you have info please go to his site at:
http://www.bizarrenews.com/3.html
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good
mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red
mark on my forehead.
As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy
traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his
passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have
six children at home."
"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six
kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and
complaining about how coffee made him nervous.
I asked him, "Why
don't you quit drinking coffee?"
He replied, "Because if I didn't have
the shakes, I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
My friend Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. "Since we don't really
know anybody, do you want to head on home?" she asked.
When her sister
nodded, Linda made a right turn.
She had gotten about a quarter of a
mile down the road when she happened to look in her rear-view mirror. The
rest of the procession was still following us!
Count how many you remember...
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax
Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4.
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside
jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers 7. Conga lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F.
Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive
-6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with
levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and
Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 =
You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If
you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're
older than dirt!
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in
the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirm- ation or marriage.
The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming
everyone. He also married every couple that walked by and desired
such.
Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had
so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the
most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.
"We all got
new wives!"
OHHHH, yeah if only that could happen in America. David 1
Why do we try to trick our friends on April 1st?
In the early sixteenth century, France observed New
Year's Day on March 25 with celebrations that lasted until April 1. Then, around
1564, King Charles IX adapted the more accurate Gregorian calendar and moved the
beginning of the year to January 1.
Many Frenchmen, who either didn't know about the change
or refused to honor it, continued to hold parties and exchange gifts on April 1.
Jokers made fun of these people by sending them frivolous gifts and invitations
to non-existent parties. Playing these practical jokes was so much fun that
after the calendar change was accepted by all Frenchmen, people made April Fools
Day a tradition in its own right.
Happy
New
Year!! http://www.transload.net/~terrisfunnypages/winter/happynewyear2002.html
This is a good one to send to friends with a GOOD sense of humor, to wish
them a Happy 2002!. I left all the extra 'stuff' that goes on a page OFF.
Have a Safe and Happy New Year!! Terri
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The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens
and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but
it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and
I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President!
You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother
replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try
to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too
much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United
States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To
which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my
luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much
trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a
helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers,
"Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms
are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated,
he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White
House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The
next day, she's on the phone with her friend Beckie:
Beckie: "Hello,
Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for
Thanksgiving!"
Beckie: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other
one."
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down
the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar
"FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made
the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.
When the priest
assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness,
Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now
I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce my husband because he
has a lousy memory!"
Her friend replies,
"Why would you want to
divorce him for that?"
The wife says,
"Every time he gets around a
young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful
reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye
have...Why do you ask? "
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale...its too good
to part with."
QUOTES OF THE YEAR
That old world will keep on turning "I hate to say it
in a hard-hearted way, but the sun keeps coming up and the sun keeps
going down, and the world keeps on. Out of respect for yourself and fellow
men, you're going to think about it and mourn a little bit, but you've got
to leave it alone and go on." -- Richard Petty, on Dale Earnhardt's
death
More wisdom from Petty "You've got to have a lead dog. You've
got to have somebody out there for everybody to shoot at." -- Richard
Petty
They smiled and nodded "It's like talking to nothing." -- Jimmy
Spencer, asked to describe his discussions with NASCAR
Beats washing
dishes "To have been able to stay here, stay in one of these things, not
get shuffled out and still poke your nose up around the front every now and
then, it makes you feel good." -- Ken Schrader
Must be strong paper
clips "The track is two drag strips hooked up by a couple of paper
clips." -- Joe Nemechek, describing Martinsville Speedway They good people and all "You don't want to rough nobody up, but some of them
boys don't care." -- Bobby Hamilton at
Martinsville
Steam-powered "The gas mileage was a lot better than the
water mileage today." -- Mike Skinner, after his Chevy overheated
Easy
for you to say "Darrell (Waltrip) told me that you've got to make sure you
don't repeatedly accept mediocrity." -- Jimmy Spencer
Terrorist
Popsicle "Bring his head back on a stick, as far as I'm concerned." --
Tony Stewart, asked what he thought our troops ought to do about
terrorist suspect Osama bin Laden.
Boy, you're not kidding "One way or
the other, we've always got to chase our tails." -- Tony
Stewart
Hypocrisy? In NASCAR? No way! "It's almost a hypocritical
situation here. The veterans were really the ones squalling about Dale
(Earnhardt) Jr. and me for the past three or four weeks over our driving
characteristics. I think last week Dale Jr. won the race and I finished
sixth, and I think the main topic was Ricky Rudd and Rusty Wallace.
'Rubberhead' and 'Conehead,' I think it was. ... I find that kind of
interesting. Obviously, NASCAR does not find that as 'detrimental to the
sport' as our situation." -- Kevin Harvick, at Kansas
Speedway
Eternal optimist "We're having chassis, aero and motor
problems. Other than that, things are great." -- Ward Burton, at
Kansas
Tell us how you really feel "The problem is you've got a young
kid who is trying to replace Dale Earnhardt, who thinks he is Dale
Earnhardt, and right now he wouldn't be a scab on Dale Earnhardt's butt." --
Bobby Hamilton, on Kevin Harvick Another new member of the fan club "The only thing I can say is that you can
do that and you race each other and you use a little class about it, or you
can kind of be like a bull in a china closet and just run over people.
He sort of chooses to do the second." -- Ricky Rudd, referring to Kevin
Harvick
Aren't there laws against that? "Every time he drives a Cup
car, he's always chopping and hacking somebody." -- Sterling Marlin on Mike
Wallace, at Martinsville
Also, no water, and I think I see a
rattlesnake "Bottom line: We're out here in the damned desert blowing
tires." -- Kenny Wallace, at Phoenix
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God meets him at the gate and says, 'you
have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,
all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life
with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God
says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days
later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God
meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The
mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with
brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the
cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently
wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat
yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And
those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
The teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.
When
she got to Little Johnny, whose father ran a local toy store, she said,
"Little Johnny, since you're Jewish, I guess your family doesn't celebrate
Christmas."
Little Johnny replied, "Oh yes, we do. We all hold hands and
dance around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In
Jesus.'"
Politically Correct Usage When Talking To/About A Female
She is not: A
BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She does not: GET PMS She
becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY
CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY
SUPERIOR
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is ATHLETICALLY
BIASED
She is not HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY
FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY
INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY
OVERSATURATED
She does not SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR
ENHANCEMENT
She does not have BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY
AEROSOLED
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO
MARKETING PLOYS
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