Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
EUROPEANS SPENDING 'HIDDEN MONIES' What would you do if you were told that
your current stash of money was going to be worthless in two months, but you
had gotten the money "under the table?" You realize that if you turn in
big amounts the banks will alert the feds of your attempt at conversion to a
new currency. That's what many in Europe are facing with the introduction of
the Euro into private hands in just hours. The New York Times is
reporting that rather than admit they are holding the money -- since
banks are required to report large deposits of currently -- many are going on
a spending frenzy, hoping to trade their "secret" profits for goods of equal
value. The paper profiles a 28-year-old Spanish insurance agent with
thousand of dollars he needs to unload without any noticing. It says he's
been on a buying spree, purchasing expensive watches and necklaces. He even
made an advance payment on upcoming renovations to his apartment. He says
that the first day of the new year is his goal to be "completely of the
old cash."
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the
vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he
holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he
told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best
hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One
of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the
hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well,
what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I
actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to
get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of
the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH,
Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going
to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We
peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered,
horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving
it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he
murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie
going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He
blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's
just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied,
relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous,
cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I
warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her
grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says,
"Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well,
sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will
you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says,
"Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the
little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to
Florida!"
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think
I'm old enough to start cussing." Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say." Younger boy,
"I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time. They go down for
breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would
you like for breakfast dear?" He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit
Loops." Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what
would YOU like for breakfast?" Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit
Loops!"
You might be a Redneck If:
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
Did Ya' Know: ------------------------------------ The celebration of the
new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient
Babylon about 4000 years ago. In the years around 2000 BC, the Babylonian
New Year began with the first New Moon (actually the first visible cresent)
after the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring). The Babylonian new
year celebration lasted for eleven days. The Romans continued to ob- serve
the new year in late March, but their calendar was continu- ally tampered
with by various emperors so that the calendar soon became out of
synchronization with the sun.
Humans shed about 600,000 particles of
skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average
person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. The largest human organ is the
skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet.
The word
Christmas comes from the words Cristes maesse, or "Christ's Mass."
Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus for members of the
Christian religion. Most historians peg the first celebration of Christmas
to Rome in 336 A.D. This site from HowStuffWorks details how Christmas
works and offers a complete guide to Christmas traditions. http://www.howstuffworks.com/christmas.htm
The
Agulhas current in the western Indian Ocean is the fastest ocean current in
the world. Even so, its speed is only 6 miles per hour.
Mexico City
is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year because it's built on top of an
underground reservoir. Wells are drawing out more and more water for the
city's growing population of more than 17 million people.
*grin* It
makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York
City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator
and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and
says arrogantly,... "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next
young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns
to the old Italian woman and says, ....."Chanel No. 5, $150 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached
her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she
looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"
INCREDIBLE FREE ADVERTISING PACKAGE! FREE classified ads! FREE banner
exposures! FREE guaranteed visitors! FREE promotion! & More! Visit us FREE prospect leads for
life An EzineADventure AD. Click Below -
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous
for wearing only one spur on his boots.
Once, when confronted by a
young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed to do an interview with the
scrappy young reporter, if only to bring a good name to the Jewish community
among his big ranching neighbors.
The first meaningful question out of
the young reporter's mouth was, "So why do you wear only one spur?"
To
which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my
boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side of a horse starts to run,
so will the other."
In a murder trial a big city high priced defense attorney
was
cross-examining a resident country doctor, who was the
part time
coroner, in this southern small town, The Attorney asked,
" Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken
the pulse of
the victim? "
The coroner response was, " No."
The Attorney continued, " Did you listen to the heart? "
The coroner answered, " No "
The Attorney then asked, " Did you check the body for
breathing? "
The coroner again said, " No."
The Attorney then stated, " So, when you signed the death
certificate,
you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? "
The coroner, took a look around the court room before he
reponded, "
Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting
in a jar
on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out
there
practicing law somewhere."
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his
hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed
him.
"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I
am only shooting at the deer I missed last
year."
<><><><><><>
Jill: I
wonder if your ex screwed around with the baby-sitter in your
own bed.
Mary: Not a chance! The stains were on the
couch.
<><><><><><>
Some
members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of
the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily
routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then
one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I
drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the
manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well,
yes," said the member. "I lie
extensively."
<><><><><><>
You
spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then
you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and
shut-up.
<><><><><><>
Grandchildren
are God's reward for not killing your
children.
<><><><><><>
Mary:
"Kids these days are so fickle. My Susie has changed majors THREE times this
year!"
Jill: "I didn't know Susie was in college."
Mary: "She's
not. She's in the
ARMY
<><><><><><>
Mothers of
teens know why some animals eat their young.
This is a production of
the six-pack@yahoogroups.com community No rights
reserved. non-copyright 2000-2001
Summer Shoe Pledge
Please raise your big toes and repeat after
me:
As a member of the Cute Foot Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the
rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.
I promise to always
wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor
will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will
not pudge out between the straps.
I will go polish-free or vow to keep
the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just
touch up my big toe.
I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn
hard and yellow.
I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
I won't
wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, co-worker, mother, sister
tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it
there.
If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it
back into place, hoping that by some miracle, it will stay put. I will get
my shoe fixed or toss it.
I will not live in corn denial; rather, I will
lean on my good friend Dr.Scholls if my feet need him.
I will resist
the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99, even
if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of
concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly
when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with
me as I fall and break my ankle.
I will take my toe ring off toward
the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna
sausages.
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/co-worker
when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to
tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy
feet look good.
This is my summer shoe pledge.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night
waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was
perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her
purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks
up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone
in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop
That!".
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is
it headed?"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 151 seconds for 28K modem, 90 seconds for 56k modem & 41 seconds for cable/dsl
