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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A woman living way out in the country looks out her kitchen window
one morning and sees an elephant pulling up all her cabbages and
eating them. She's very isolated and has never seen an elephant in her
life, much less imagined one escaping a circus train, so she calls the
local sheriff and says, "There's this huge horse out in my garden and
he's pulling up all my cabbages with his tail. And .... and .... and if
I told you what he's doing with those cabbages, you'd never believe me!"
While in the 101st Airborne Division at Fort Campbell, Ky., my
husband would
often pass the base mascot, an eagle in a large cage.
The bird's name, Sergeant Glory, was even engraved on a nearby plaque. One
morning my husband
saw Sergeant Glory give his handler a nasty bite
while being fed. The next
day a new plaque appeared on the bird's
enclosure. It read, "Private Glory."
"I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what on EARTH did
he think he was doing?" -Billy Connolly
***
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his
friends went to the funeral in one car." --Steven Wright
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty
stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."
The clerk looked
up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300
a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled
job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found
out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his
friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk
explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled
labor."
"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic
and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."
Did Ya' Know: ------------------------------------ Victory still eludes
Seth Dowell in his breathtakingly long battle with the hiccups. They're a
little less frequent--he'll sometimes get two hours of peace before they
inevitably start back up, but more than a year after wolfing down a Subway
veggie sandwich, he still lets out a loud "Hic!" dozens of times a day,
even in his sleep. Dowell has tried 90% of the mostly kooky cures
people have suggested. Dowell hopes his "fifteen seconds of fame" will end
soon. "The GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS lists somebody who's had the
hiccups for 68 years," he says. "I really don't want to beat
that."
You don't have to weight-train for weeks before you get any
benefits. It may take a month or two before workouts get noticeably
easier, but you'll shave pounds within a week, and your strength will
sharpen. Studies done at Ohio University demonstrate that muscle responds to
weight-lifting after only four sessions. It gets better: Recent research
suggests that reduced stress, a rosier outlook, more confidence, better sex,
and sounder sleep all kick in after one workout.
The marquees of the
fifty largest casinos and hotels in Las Vegas use enough electricity to
run more than a thousand average U.S. homes.
The National Fresh Water
Fishing Hall of Fame in Hayward, Wisconsin is shaped like a
muskie.
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
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Jane calls the doctor, freaking out. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy
swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"
The doctor asked Jane,
"Are you sure it was a dozen?"
The frantic mother says, "Absolutely!
Doctor, I'm scared to death!"
The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down.
Is little Jimmy crying?"
Jane says "No."
"Is he sleeping?" asks
the doctor.
"No." says Jimmy's mom.
The doctor goes on with
routine questions, "Is his color funny?"
Again Jane says
"No."
"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.
"No."
says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do
something?"
To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the
new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new
boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people
in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers
or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported
excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband -
asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she
mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her
friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I
can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe
I shouldn't bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything about
including matches in the package, did he?"
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician.
The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are
allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the
pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's
mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the
pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food - drug
interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled
until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's
instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer
five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry
ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be
pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't." replied the
farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of
his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of
their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of
adoration.
"Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck
will still be there when I get home."
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of
swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right
after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new
land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and
move down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch
watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland,
cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to
go.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere
pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. - Dorothy Parker (1893 -
1967)
You might be a Redneck If:
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas
lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your entire family has ever
sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go
to the family reunion to pick up women. You can't tell what color your car
is because of the dirt.
You might be a Redneck If:
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You clean your
nails with a stick. You prefer car keys to a Q-tip. People are scared to
touch your wife's bathrobe.
In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman
was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini
skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the
step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg
because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked
her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of
the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching
at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with
you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that
we were friends."
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"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,
because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little
torture." - Jack Handey
WHITE HOUSE PUSHING FOR HYDROGEN VEHICLES The Bush administration says that
it's jumping on the hydrogen-powered car and truck bandwagon. Energy
Secretary Spencer Abraham told reporters this week at the international
auto show in Detroit that the focus will no longer be on increasing gas
mileage for conventional gasoline-powered cars and trucks. The emphasis will
now switch to the development of hydrogen-powered units. Abraham told
North American International Auto Show attendees that the White House is
replacing a program, begun in the Clinton years that would have produced
vehicles capable of getting 80 miles per gallon. The new thrust will be
the development of units using even less energy, from different sources.
Proposals to help scientists develop new fuel cells could be included in
the government's 2003 budget. One reason that the switch seems well
timed is that the cost of hydrogen fuel cells has dropped dramatically in the
past few years and new research could make the dream of gas-free cars
possible in the coming decade.
Oh Alice,
You got me laughing so hard on this one!!!! Give a female
cat...
Anna
--- In quotationville@y..., Alice Flanders
<aflanders@y...> wrote: > If Christmas shopping's got you down
> and you don't know where you're at.... > Give the gift that keeps
on giving > give a female cat.
To subscribe
to this group, send an email
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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
You Know You're a Mom When......
You're willing to kiss your child's
boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
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Continue to whisk as the mixture cools and thickens. Pour into quart
containers and refrigerate. To serve, scoop out with melon baller, roll in
powdered cocoa. Keep refrigerated until ready to serve.
Metallic candy wrappers or miniature muffin cup
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a doily lined silver tray. They also make perfect gifts. Place the
truffles, in their wrappers, in a pretty box. Close the box and add a silk
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating
heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to
them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden
Fruit," God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we
got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!"
said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God,
wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes
later he saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I
tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam
replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!"
Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the
two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of
their own...thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there
is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If
God had trouble handling children, what made you think it would be a piece
of cake for you?
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came
across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle
of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the
duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few
miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy
admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the
targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows
into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I
shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I
hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby
admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must
ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came
to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the
arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new
boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of
workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means
business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you
make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in
cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come
back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker
did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters
- "Pizza delivery guy".
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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