Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
STATE FAIR Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred,
but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred
said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word
it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does
all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is
heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is
ten dollars."
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room
totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so
embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept
the conversation going.
The guests co-operated and also continued as
if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the
room, the children left.
As they disappeared out of sight, there was a
moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say,
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
How do you know you are in Florida?
1. The Lincoln ahead of you is going
35 in a 60mph zone. 2. The Lincoln driver has a white head and big
ears. 3. The Lincoln back window is full of baseball caps. 4. The Lincoln
has Ohio plates. 5. All the tourists are pink and the natives are
white. 6. Its mid January and your running your air Conditioner 7. Its mid
July and the heat index is 156 degrees. 8. Your driving with open can of beer
and a cop pulls behind you. You keep drinking you look in your mirror and
he has a can also. 9. You can buy beer in every store, church and
school. 10. Every beat up pick up truck has a confederate flag in window and
a I'm a native bumper sticker. 11. If you see a driverless car don't
worry a old lady is driving. 12. The driverless car has Michigan plates and
is doing 10mph. 13. A yellow traffic light means FLOOR IT. 14. Peoples
last names are Scruggs, Biggs, Cobb Blabb & Goober. 15. Their first name
is Porky, Slim, Stinky, Bugger and Goober. 16. You know they are a native if
first time they got laid was with their sister and they married their
cousin. 17. You know your natives if a guy greets you with how they hanging
Hoss? You reply they are still there Gator. 18. Your in real Florida when
someone refers to Tallahassee as the Nawth and Miami as Gaytown. 19.
There are more medical clinics than Gas Stations 20. You are in a restaurant
eating lunch and you realize you are only person under 70 and they are
having Supper.
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A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people
whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said
"Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when
you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been
sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed
hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr.
Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision
for his son."
Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a
number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi
Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy
Holly.
Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and
begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense
pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what
heaven is like."
Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this
is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her
seat behind the drums, and calls out,
"Okay guys, 'Close to You'.
One, two, three, four..."
Installing XP
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO CONTINUE? Yes. ARE YOU REALLY SURE? Yes. ARE YOU
REALLY REALLY SURE? *****yes!****** OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE
REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER
AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE. Just get on
with it. ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR
SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS. Groan. THE INSTALL
PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL
XP. Problems? What problems? THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES
NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD. But I'm using it at this very
moment. THAT IS IRRELEVANT. But if the video card isn't working with the
mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me
that the video card wasn't... DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A
MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE
FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE
FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD
BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R
DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK. All that? YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE
IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER. Well what *DOES*
work? THE MOUSE. The mouse? YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE. I don't have a
5 1/4 drive. YES YOU DO. No I don't. WHAT'S THAT THEN? It's a 3 1/2
drive. NO IT ISN'T. Yes it is. YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW. Look,
can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers
for everything later? Please? WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR*
SYSTEM? Well it is mine. NO IT ISN'T. It bloody well is. NUH-UH. YOU
SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU
CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY. But
why? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDIOT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE
PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY,
NOW, COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE
BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK?
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS
THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM
INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his beat up old Dodge, when
suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it,
when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few
minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again,
so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.
A
few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and
they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow
his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the
two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away
with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up
beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as
the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and
took off.
Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the
cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer
couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided
that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for
help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing
120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his
lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!"
A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned
to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the
examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his
day.
When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply was "That's
true, but of course the answers are completely different now."
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The
second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled
and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and
you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth
it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will
recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live
in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin,"
she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so
I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so bored!"
"Dearest
Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"
Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother
to look at me!" Shifrah cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older
my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Leah.
"Yes,
but your husband's an antique dealer.
Do you know that a simple "hello" can be a sweet one? The word HELLO
means: H=How are you? E= Everything all right? L= Like to hear from
you L= Love to see you soon! O=Obviously, I miss you...so, HELLO! It
has made me smile every time I say hello since then. Just thinking of
you!
Dianne
To talk much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a tree to catch a
fish. --Ancient Chinese Proverb
Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm
want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come
back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war:
neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is
understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine
the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether
it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a
communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always
be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do
is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack
of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any
country. --Hermann Goering
INDY-CHICAGO GUN-RUNNING RING PROBED Police in Indianapolis and Chicago tell
the Indianapolis Star newspaper that for the second time in less than
two years they have broken up a gunrunning scheme involving the two
cities. According to federal and state authorities, inexpensive pistols were
purchased in the Indiana capital city and then brought to Chicago where they
were distributed to gang members and others who would not pass standard
criteria for legal purchases of handguns. The latest gunrunning spree ended
this week with the arrest of a suspected member of the Gangster Disciples
gang, Etely Mitchell, 27. Additionally, Aja Holland, 23, was taken into
custody. She is thought to be his girlfriend. Two others remain at large. All
are charged with filing false papers in the purchase of more than two-dozen
weapons from a store in the Indianapolis suburbs and transport of the
guns to Chicago.
"If you yell at a cat, you're the one who is making a fool of yourself." --
Unknown--
How to tell if your cat has learned your
Internet password.............
You get e-mail flames from some guy
named "Fluffy."
You find you've been subscribed to strange egroups
like friskykitty.com
Your web browser home page is now 'Kitty Good
Times'.
Your mouse has teeth marks in it, and is hidden under the
sofa.
You get e-mail messages from your neighbor concerning
complaints you never made about their dog.
Your keyboard has paw
marks on it and smells like tuna or catfood.
You find a program on
your computer called Kitty Play Ball.
Get the following sports stories & many others covering almost all sports that I can find on the mother site & her sister site.
SUPER BOWL XXXVI INJURY REPORT ----------------
ST. LOUIS RAMS
VS NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
St. Louis Rams - QUESTIONABLE: S Rich Coady
(ankle); T Orlando Pace (knee); PROBABLE: WR Az-Zahir Hakim (ankle); QB
Kurt Warner (ribs); DT Jeff Zgonina (elbow)
New England Patriots -
PROBABLE: QB Tom Brady (ankle); T Matt Light (ankle)
+----------
Brady Tries To Keep Emotions In Check ---------+
NEW ORLEANS, Jan. 31
(UPI) -- Tom Brady admitted Thursday he was excited to have been named
starting quarterback for the Super Bowl, but then said he was excited about
pretty much everything associated with his still brief
professional career.
The New England signal caller said, however, that
he would now have to pace himself until his team takes the field Sunday at
the Louisiana Superdome to meet the St. Louis Rams for the championship of
the National Football League.
Brady will become just the third
quarterback ever to start a Super Bowl in the same season he made his first
professional start. The other two have been Vince Ferragamo, who
started for the Los Angeles Rams against Pittsburgh in Super Bowl XIV, and
Kurt Warner, who quarterbacks the team Brady will try to beat
Sunday.
Thursday's mandatory visit with the media was the
first occasion for Brady and Bledsoe to publicly express their feelings
about the coach's decision.
"I was prepared either way," Brady said. "I
felt good at practice. I ran around. I got the drops. I made the throws. I
got on the bus and came back and got treatment on the ankle. I didn't have a
lot of time to sit around and think about it."
In Thursday's practice,
Brady appeared to move without pain or discomfort. He rolled out on several
plays and started the workout with a 25-yard bullet pass to receiver
Troy Brown. But he was also intercepted by reserve defensive backs Je'Rod
Cherry and Leonard Myers.
Bledsoe, who said early in the week that he
desperately wanted to start in the Super Bowl, said Thursday that he could
derive some satisfaction from the fact he helped his team win
last Sunday's game.
"That I played in the game last week made me feel
a little bit better," said Bledsoe, who had not taken a snap in
four months prior to his appearance against Pittsburgh. "I feel like I
have contributed down the stretch. And that is nice. Otherwise, you would
feel a little empty and that you are just along for the ride.
You can't go on being a good egg. You must either hatch or go bad.
INGREDIENTS: 1/2
cup unsalted nuts (peanuts, cashews, or almonds) 1/2 cup chocolate M&M
candies 1/2 cup raisins (or dried cranberries) 1/2 cup sunflower
seeds
DIRECTIONS: Combine ingredients in a bowl and toss to mix. Store
in an airtight container.
A driving examiner was giving a road test to a young man, and he went
through a red light without stopping. He told him that he had automatically
failed the test.
The examiner met up with his mother back at the
office, and explained what had happened. At first the mother was
speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the
light?"
A young man drove his minibike in to a gas station and dismounted. "I'll
need about a pint of gas," he said to the attendant, "and a few ounces of
oil for the motor."
"Certainly sir," the attendant said, "And would
you also like me to cough into your tires?"
Great Moments in Divorce Court
A man was being sued for divorce on the
grounds of infidelity. Appearing before a London divorce court, he was
asked to explain what he and his alleged lover were doing in the bedroom in
the dark.
"Playing snooker," he said.
The judge then asked him
about the passionate noises the wife heard coming from the bedroom. The man
was unfazed.
"Those noises were completely innocent," he assured
the court. "They were actually an expression of surprise or
disappointment made when playing a difficult shot."
But why was the
woman nude the court asked.
Still unfazed, the man said, "Well she was
doing some sewing and altering her slacks."
The divorce was granted.
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After a full exam, the doctor said, "Look Bill, it's just a cold. There is
no cure and you will just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," Bill whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Okay
Bill, go home and take a hot bath. Then put on a bathing suit and run around
the block 3 or 4 times."
"What?" Bill exclaimed. "I'll get
pneumonia."
"Yep, but we have a cure for pneumonia." the doctor
said.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 258 seconds for 28K modem, 153 seconds for 56k modem & 70 seconds for cable/dsl
.gif)
