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Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
========================= The Thieving Joker ========================= Stolen
from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com All
materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2001 by Jerry Lerman. All
Rights Reserved. ==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net
====================
The award goes to 47 students taking the third-year statistics course at
Simon Fraser University in British Columbia, Canada, who all handed in the
same paper for a pre-Christmas assignment, each apparently believing that
only they would be clever enough to have found it somewhere for copying. They
will all fail the course and may be suspended.
CBC (Canada)
7-Jan-02
------
Bonehead award three goes to a Chinese ship
captain, Captain Zheng, who narrowly missed two head-on collisions with other
ships while he steered his highly explosive tanker, holding 30,000 tons of
aviation fuel, up the English Channel in the WRONG direction, WITHOUT a
map.
The French coast guard steered him to Dover whey they said they
hoped he would buy some maps.
He said he never sailed the English
Channel before, and without the maps, he didn't know where he was supposed to
position his tanker.
Bonehead
award four goes to two South African men who tried to pass themselves off as
real attorneys in a South African courtroom where they were representing a
man charged with assault. Apparently they thought they had found a way to
make some good money.
But their plan fell apart when they referred to the
judge as "your majesty," instead of "your honor," and when they asked the
judge what he meant by "previous convictions."
They've been arrested
and will not be allowed to represent themselves at their own
trial.
A
Wellington, New Zealand, city councilor will probably keep his computer
behind a brick wall when he uses it ever since the CD ROM exploded out of the
family computer, flying more than 6 feet (2 meters) across the
room.
"It sounded just like a .22 (rifle). The front of the CD drive
blew out and the CD came out after it."
Turns out that excessive
vibrations caused by minute cracks and heat in a CD, turning at 48x (7,200
kps) can cause such an explosion.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by
the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists
slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd
leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This
I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the
sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that
tumbled out and drove off.
Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was
time to get ready for the celebrations.
At the stroke of midnight, she
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life
worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was
almost crushed to death.
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A group of
American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in
Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a
stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those
years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same
land- lord I have."
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Roll the cookie dough to 1/4 inch thick and
form it into a heart shape. Place the heart shape on a cookie sheet. Bake at
350 degrees for 10 minutes, or until the cookie is lightly brown on the
edges. In a large mixing bowl, mix cream cheese with confectioner's
sugar. Spread the mixture on cooled cookie dough. Cover with cherry pie
filling and whipped cream.
2 1/2 cups heavy whipping
cream 1/3 cup sugar 2 teaspoon vanilla extract
In a cold bowl, add
these three ingredients and whip on medium high speed until thick and smooth.
Do not overmix. Place in the refrigerator and cover until ready to use.
There was a small town nestled in a valley which was powered by a
dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally everyone
headed for higher ground. Once everyone reached higher ground, they began
scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.
After a
few hours of looking it seemed that every one was safe, except that there
was this little straw hat that would bob down stream about a 50 yards and
then bob back up stream 50 yards. It would then move to the side and bob
down stream and then back up stream... It kept repeating
this.
Nobody could figure out why it was doing this. After
awhile of pondering this, a young boy recalled his Granddad
saying that come hell or high water he was going to get the
lawn mowed.
"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I
don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I
don't know.'
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into phone)... 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up looking
proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." ---Andy Rooney
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and
about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some
advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this
arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember
what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come
quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold,
I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with
so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off
the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize,
and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I
should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were
coming!"
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that
her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy,"
he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked
again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I
didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal
(2) "The problem with
the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever
get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop
them off at the wrong house." * Jeff Foxworthy
(3) "See, the problem
is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one
at a time." * Robin Williams
(4) "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." * Dave
Barry
(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them? * Marilyn Pittman
(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a
full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp." * Bob Ettinger
(7) "My Mom said she learned
how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula
Poundstone
(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: Uh, duh!" * Conan O'Brien
(9) "Why does Sea World have a
seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner." * Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner." * Roseanne
(11) "I think
that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee,
I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" * Richard Jeni
(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would
be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." * Johnny Carson
(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." *
Paul Rodriguez
(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law." * Jerry Seinfeld
(15) "In
elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower?" * Warren Hutcherson
(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband
too many. Monogamy is the same." *Oscar Wilde
(17) "Marriage is
a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." * Mae
West
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot. . . And suppose you were a
member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." * A. Whitney Brown
(20) "Ah, yes,
divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet," * Robin Williams
(21) "Women complain about
premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that
I can be myself." * Roseanne
(22) "You can say any foolish thing to
a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'" * Dave Barry
(23) "If you can't
beat them, arrange to have them beaten." * George Carlin
(24) "When I
die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." * Author Unknown
(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children"
(26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you
say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar." * Drew Carey
Kelly Davies, 23, a resident of Las Vegas, was visiting
her in-laws in Los Angeles, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick
up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Kelly's eyes were now open, and she
looked -- very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Kelly replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for
over an hour.
The man called the paramedics who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Kelly refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Kelly had a wad of bread dough
on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Kelly is a blonde.
"Where to Place Them"
Take the prospective employees you are trying to
place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them
alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go
back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out
loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses
and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If
the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help
Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and
chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood
furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them
well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they
are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents
team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them
to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send
them to Marketing.
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet
thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the
breeze. Softer than Blue' and without all those fleas
You move like
the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you
anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as
fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for
which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On
special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to
know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll
of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix
what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't
mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like
a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of
dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is
complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like
the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps
hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go
together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for
Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some
men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's
impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market
booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for
this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang
you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than
diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR !!
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one
night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the
bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called
the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for
another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to
close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I
should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I
wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 129 seconds for 28K modem, 77 seconds for 56k modem & 35 seconds for cable/dsl
