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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Sorry this was a heavy loader, Ya might have to refresh to get everything to load. David 1
Tribute to the 911 war attack!
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare
works of art. They had everything in
their Collection, from Picasso to Raphael.
They would often sit together and admire the
great works of art. When the Viet Nam
conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another
soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply
for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas,
there was a knock at the door. A young man
stood at the door with a large package in his
hands.
He said, "Sir, you
don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son
gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he
was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in
the heart and he died instantly. He often
talked about you, and your love for art."
The young man held out his
package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a
great artist, but I think your son would have wanted
you to have this."
The father opened the package. It was a
portrait of his son, painted by the young man.
He stared in awe at the way the soldier had
captured the personality of his son in the
painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes
that his own eyes welled up with tears.
He thanked the young man and offered to pay him
for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never
repay what your son did for me. It's a gift." The
father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time
visitors came to his home he took them to see the
portrait of his son before he showed them any of the
other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was
to be a great auction of his paintings. Many
influential people gathered, excited over seeing
the great paintings and having an opportunity to
purchase one for their collection. On the
platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer
pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with
this picture of the son. Who will bid for this
picture?" There was silence. Then a voice in the back
of the room shouted,"We want to see the
famous paintings. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted, "Will someone bid
for this painting? Who will start the bidding?
$100, $200?"
Another
voice shouted angrily, "We didn't come to see this
painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the
Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!" But still the
auctioneer continued, "The son! The son! Who'll take
the son?" Finally, a voice came from the very back of
the room. It was the longtime gardener of the
man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the
painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could
afford. "We have $10, who will bid $20?" the
auctioneer continued.
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" asked the
auctioneer. The crowd was becoming angry. They
didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the
more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once,
twice, SOLD for $10!" A
man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get
on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his
gavel, "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this
auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in
the will. I was not allowed to reveal that
stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the
son would be auctioned. Whoever bought
that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings. The man who took the
son gets everything!" God gave his Son 2,000
years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the
auctioneer, His message today is, "The Son, the Son,
who'll take the Son?" Because you see,
whoever takes the Son gets everything.
author unknown
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with
his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had
sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole
some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?"
asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice
new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself
a
4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more
serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the
4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause,
the priest finally spoke. "That is
a little more serious. I'm afraid
you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a novena
is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM DR. JEFFREY LANT FOR ALL BUSINESS
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Who doesn't know this next feeling ???
Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is
being interviewed.
He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I
guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what
about the rest?" the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess
they'll just have to wait"
A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her
father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell
you that you're the
most wonderful and smartest man in the
world?"
Her father, filled
with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did
you get the idea?" she asked.
The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction
Workers called the
meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state.
We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd
cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the
crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of
10AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though
99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll
only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from
the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No
matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, "Kill the
umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
Another patron said, "Lady, the
umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
The woman said, "He`s my
husband and he came homelast night with lipstick on his collar.
Kill
the umpire!!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car
-- both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to
an intersection. The stoplight
was red but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red
light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again and again they went right through. This
time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through and she turned to
the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!
You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I
driving?"
Computer Sales Jargon
NEW Different color from previous
design
ALL NEW Parts not interchangeable with previous
design
EXCLUSIVE Imported product
UNMATCHED Almost as good
as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY Manufacturer's cost cut to the
bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED
DESIGN The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT
LAST! Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED Manufacturer
lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY Unit on which all parts
fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY Factory had big argument with
distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT We finally got one that
works
REVOLUTIONARY It's different from our
competitors
BREAKTHROUGH We finally figured out a way to sell
it
FUTURISTIC No other reason why it looks the way it
does
DISTINCTIVE A different shape and color than the
others
MAINTENANCE-FREE Impossible to
fix
RE-DESIGNED Previous faults corrected, we
hope...
HAND-CRAFTED Assembly machines operated without gloves
on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN Will operate through the warranty
period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS Ours, not yours
BROADCAST
QUALITY Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY We made
it work long enough to ship it
NEW GENERATION Old design failed, maybe
this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS We got a good deal at a
government auction
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE Nothing we ever had
before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES We finally got it
to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED Manufacturer's, upon cashing
your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED Does things we can't
explain
LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY One of our techs was laid off by
Boeing
The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed
that in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of
the foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation. The lawyer, striking an
informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in his pockets, said, "How
odd to see my good friend George in the audience, demonstrating that a
speaker can listen to someone else's words on occasion." And from the
audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see my good friend Henry on the
podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have his hands in his own pockets on
occasion."
Laws of Slow People
1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they
don't know each other.
2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't
find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the
fast lane.
3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive,
they never look in their rearview mirrors, either.
4. Slow people
drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If
two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they
drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.
5.
Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with
soggy ice cream every time.
Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product:
You must first remove
the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights
to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which
would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however,
let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them
how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner
into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.5min@50%heat/ Then enter:
ms/startcookdin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven,
insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the
dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of
the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the
desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time
and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Many users
have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner
itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are
for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will
need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from
registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If
you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you
really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really
need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises
a dessert with every dinner after Dinner XP. However, that version has yet to
be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in
the freezer, causing your freezer to self defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of
reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say,
"Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't
no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so
the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries
and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the
porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor
stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and
there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me
food but you made the devil pay for it."
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
-Steve Martin in Sgt. Bilko (1996)
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent vis- itor. It is
operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the
audience. [Taken from Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary."]
A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a
leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog
thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he sees some bones on
the ground close by, and immed- iately settles down to chew on the bones with
his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I
wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard
halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew",
says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the
dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him
off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
I was
browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a
conversation. He was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with
her shopping when a brief electrical glitch caused the lights to flicker
overhead. "That must be her checking out now," he sighed.
"Prepare yourself for the world, as the athletes used to do for their
exercise; oil your mind and your manners, to give them the necessary
suppleness and flexibility; strength alone will not do." --Earl of
Chesterfield
Love Stamps
A woman walks into a post office and notices a
middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he
seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.
The woman's
curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he
is doing.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
"If it happes once, it's a problem. If it happens twice, it's annoying. If
it happens three times, it's a pattern... Fix the pattern."
A KITCHEN TIP OR TWO.....
(Why did I name it that when I usually write 3
or 4?? Go figure!!!)
To crisp and chill salad greens or coleslaw
quickly, place them in a metal bowl and put them in the freezer for a
few minutes. (Accent on FEW!!)
Unwaxed dental floss is a good choice for
trussing or tying up a turkey or chicken because it will not burn.
Storing cheese in a tightly covered container with a few sugar cubes
will keep it from molding as quickly.
Eggs should not be washed until
ready for use because they are protected with a soluble film which protects
the porous shell against bacteria.
By the time Ted arrived at the football game,
the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend
asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and
coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well,
I had to toss it 14 times."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 416 seconds for 28K modem, 247 seconds for 56k modem & 113 seconds for cable/dsl
