Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer
in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then
asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found
him.
"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after
all."
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in
the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand
with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork
and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of
maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your
e-mail account."
A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor
said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell
you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From
hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping on the third day."
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This was on the on
September 7, 1999 Tonight Show. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question
as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was
midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to
Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
No, not Marilyn. They
were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was
fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began
to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, ! There came
a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They
stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down
and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a
real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent! that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet
aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking
so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed
some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself
with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed
to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into
the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants! and pee her butt off the
fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or
perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date
was embarrassing...
A whole new definition of being "pissed
off"
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses
his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
GRANDMA'S 100TH BIRTHDAY The family wheeled
grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where The activities for her
100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she
could write notes fairly good when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn grandma
started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and
straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later she started leaning off to
her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
left.
Soon she started leaning forward and the family
members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her
up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to
grandma and said, "Hi grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating
you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly
wrote a note to her nephew... "They won't let me fart."
PEA SOUP---CREE STYLE
2 cups dried peas, soaked 20 oz Hominy 1 cup
celery leaves or 2 pinches of thyme salt and pepper to taste 16 cups
water
When the soaking peas are soft, put them in a large pot with
the rest of the ingredients. Simmer until the peas are tender but still
firm. Add the hominy & cook till thickened. Serve hot.
"The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a
domesticated animal.
--Compton MacKenzie--
WHAT HUMANS CAN LEARN FROM CATS (From Catstuff)
Whenever you miss the
sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get
your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow
loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good
patch of sun to nap in and nap often.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day,
annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are
there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them,
"I care".
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
A KITCHEN TIP OR TWO.....
To ripen tomatoes put them in a shallow box or
bowl and slip into a brown paper bag. Close the end and leave at room
temperature.
To make extra-light, airy pancakes, separate the eggs
and mix the yolks into the batter first. After everything else has been
added, beat the whites until stiff and fold them in last.
For more
flavorful rice, substitute chicken broth, beef broth, consomme, or undiluted
tomato juice for the water. (This is what a fancy restaurants does to make
such delicious tasting, plain rice.)
APRICOTS
This fruit of ancient lineage has been grown in China for
over 4,000 years. It now thrives in most temperate climates, with
California producing about 90 percent of the American crop. A relative of
the peach, the apricot is smaller and has a smooth, oval pit that falls out
easily when the fruit is halved. Because they're highly perishable and
seasonal, 90 percent of the fresh apricots are marketed in June and
July. When buying apricots, select plump, reasonably firm fruit with a
uniform color. Store in a plastic bag in the refrigerator for up to 3 to 5
days. In addition to being rich in vitamin A, dried apricots are a valuable
source of iron and calcium. Like bitter almonds, apricot kernels are
poisonous until roasted.
APRICOT SUNDAE
1- 8 ounce package of dried apricots 1 cup water 1
cup sugar 1 tsp lemon juice 1/4 tsp almond extract few grains of
salt
Cook apricots in water until tender, about 10 minutes. Add sugar
and cook for another 15 minutes. Add lemon juice, almond extract, and
sprinkle of salt. Process in blender until smooth. Chill then serve over
vanilla ice cream. Makes about 2 1/2 cups.
THE LOCKET
It was tarnished and old with a broken clasp. I tossed it
into the drawer. Why did my mother give it to me, and what would I want it
for ?
She said I liked it long ago when it was shiny and new. But
why she thought I'd like it now, I really wished I knew.
The years
passed by, and my little girl was going through my things, slipping
bracelets on her tiny arm and trying on my rings.
"What's this?" I
heard my daughter ask as she held it for me to see. "Why, it's just an old
locket," I replied, "that your grandma gave to me."
"Oh, Mommy, isn't
it beautiful? It's looks just like a book with pages you can turn
inside and pictures... Oh, look, Mommy, look."
I saw it then through a
child's new eyes, what I should have seen from the start, the reason my
mother treasured it so and wore it close to her heart.
Now when I'm
tempted to look at the surface, discounting what's broken or old, I think
of the locket all tarnished outside with an inside of purest
gold.
Author Unknown
Stories from travel agents.....
A man called, furious about a Florida
package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
~~~~~ A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She
gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally
had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New
Orleans was a suburb of LA ~~~~~ A lady called and asked to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into
Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! ~~~~~ A
client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?"
DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....
SALMON CAKES
1 can
(15-1/2 oz.) red salmon, drained (or 2 cups flaked) 1 tsp onion powder or
1/2 cup fresh white onion 1/4 cup diced red pepper or canned pimiento (2
oz.jar) 6 saltines (unsalted top), crushed 3 tbsp light salad dressing
or mayonnaise 4 drops tabasco
Remove skin from fish. Combine all
ingredients in a medium bowl, mashing salmon bones with a fork. Shape into 4
cakes. Spray a skillet with non-stick cooking spray, and heat over
medium heat. Cook salmon cakes, turning once, until lightly browned on
each side. Makes 4 patties.
In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear,
George! I'm sure I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house is going to burn
down!" George: "The house will not burn down, dear." Wife: "Now, how can
you make a statement like that?" George: "Because I forgot to turn off the
water in the bathtub."
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous. Free politically
incorrect social satire weekly...
An EzineADventure
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The tireseome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting
and dismissing potential jurors. "Property holder?" the judge asked the old
professor. "Yes, I am, Your Honor." "Married or single?" "Married
almost forty years, Your Honor." "Formed or expressed an opinion?" "Not in
almost forty years, Your Honor."
ENGLISH DEVONSHIRE CREAM
1 cup heavy cream 1/2 cup confectioners
sugar 1 cup sour cream Dash vanilla.
Whip together until stiff
peaks form. Then gently fold in one cup of sour cream. Chill. Use as topping
for strawberry shortcake.
"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart
don't know how to laugh either."
--Golda
Meir--
answers will follow (G)
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins
with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3
years - Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 10 minutes. Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner
together - How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with
water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the
jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which
jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without
using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or
Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think
nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual
though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything
odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without
any coaching!
KITTY ETIQUETTE -
FROM A CAT'S POINT OF VIEW > > BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to
the bathroom. > It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
You can help out by > unrolling the toilet tissue for
them. > > DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
door open, stand on > hind legs and hammer with forepaws ... or scratch
at the carpet in front of > the door. Once the door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you > have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think > about > several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, > rain, snow, or
mosquito season. > > CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get
to a chair quickly. If you > cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there is no Oriental rug, > shag is > good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long > as a human's
bare foot. > > HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity and the other is > idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping." Following are the > rules > for
"helping:" > > 1.) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the
left heel of the cook. You > cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and > then picked up and
comforted. > > 2.) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, > unless you can lie across the book
itself. > > 3.) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to > obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often > reach out and slap the pencil or
pen. > > 4.) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards, > keep in mind the aim: to help! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When > dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds > nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your > ability. > After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off > the table,
one at a time. > > 5.) When a human is holding the newspaper in
front of him/her, be sure to > jump at the back of the paper. Humans love
to jump. > > 6.) When your human is working at the computer, jump up
on the desk, walk > across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the
screen and then lay in > your human's lap across their arms, helping
with the typing in progress. > > WALKING: As often as possible, dart
quickly and as close as possible in > front of your human, especially on
stairs, when they have something in their > arms, in > the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their >
coordination skills. > > BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night
so he/she cannot move around. It > helps them rest better to lie
perfectly still. > > LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure
to kick as much litter out of > the box as possible. Humans love the
feel of kitty litter between their > toes. > > HIDING: Every
now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find > you. Do not
come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This > will
cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
have run > away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will
cover you with love > and kisses and you will probably get a
treat. > > ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a
human, especially their > face. Turn around and present your rear to
them. Humans love this, so do it > often. And don't forget their
guests.
ANSWERS 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are
dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first.
Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to
tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer
Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today,
and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the
English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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