Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine. A must read!
Dear Diary... for my fiftieth
birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape
since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself
as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around..... This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for
me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. He said some other crap too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me
with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that
long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then,
as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I
hate that idiot Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am
sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my
answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather
Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband (the IDIOT) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a hysterectomy!
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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its
head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo
confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same
procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back
paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right
forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
(resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when
you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair,
fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open
cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your
head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave
pill in your hair.
7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a
man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss
here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly,
"Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill &
....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha!
Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen
closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13.
Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait
for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand
to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of
a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila!
It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds
(yours).
18. Take two aspirin & lie down.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does
a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the
cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the
cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry
cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that
cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The
collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw
in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having
to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's
my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day,
God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the
animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the
fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of
the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat
might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created
veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the
seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
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