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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Did Ya' Know: 020324 ------------------------------------ There are about 2
million sweat glands in the average human body. The average adult loses 540
calories with every liter of sweat. Men sweat about 40% more than
women.
Adult electric eels 5ft to 7ft long produce enough electricity
-- 600 volts -- to stun a horse.
A large Caribbean parrot fish
excretes a ton of sand a year. Using two oversized front teeth, it nibbles
on seagrass and scrapes algae. Another set of teeth in its throat grinds up
the coral it ingests.
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
Today's thought is: To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong
romance. --Oscar Wilde
Most of us complicate the decision to love
ourselves by seeing our human imperfections as reasons for harsh judgment.
Perhaps this became a pattern for us as children. But we don't have to let
our feelings then control our decision to love and nurture ourselves
now.
The small child within each of us is profoundly in need of
unconditional love. Expressing love and nurturing ourselves through
affirmations, prayer, and meditation will break the control our earlier
thoughts had over us.
It may seem too simple to think that all we need is
to decide to love ourselves. But that's our task, one we may need to do
daily for weeks or months. With faith and perseverance, we will see the
results we hope for.
I will love all of me today. Even the
not-so-perfect parts.
The wife had a birthday and her husband wanted to know what she
desired.
She said she'd like to have a Jaguar.
He didn't think
it was best for her.
But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got
her one.
It ate her.
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there
were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a
friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas
season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with
parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of
the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was
not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my
husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was
too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I
don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
An Acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be mar- ried decided to
give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations.
The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend
if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee
she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer rest- aurants.
A few days
later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her
the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully
and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the
next table. "These Texas women are tough!"
An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man pulled
over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out into traffic
smoking the tires. after the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old man
and asked " Do you smell that CRAP!" and the old man replied " I aught to,
I'M SITTING IN IT!"
Subject: How well does cold water clean?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in
a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and
he
questioned his grandfather.......are these plates
clean?
His grandfather replied....those plates are as
clean
as cold water can get them so go on and
finish
your meal.
That afternoon,
while eating the hamburgers his
grandfather made
for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge
of his plate, and a substance
that looked like
dried egg yokes....so he asked again..
are
you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger,
the
grandfather says......I told you before,
those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them,
now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to
get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving,
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not
let
him pass.......Grandfather, your dog won't let
me out.
Without diverting his attention from the
football game
his Grandfather was watching, he
shouted........COLDWATER, GET YOUR BODY
OUT OF THE WAY!
Prevent Highjackings
Dear Sirs:
After great thought, I
have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the
Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace
all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would
be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of
course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in
hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and
the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Congress
think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?
A: First, mom checks
three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of
light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on
his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping
up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store
where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out
how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a
five dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of
money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five
dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches
dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest kind of wind they'd
seen.
"Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in
my life. You know these giant redwood trees? Well, the wind once got
so strong, it bent them right down."
"That's nothing," said the other.
"Back on my farm in Iowa, we had a terrible wind one day that blew a
hundred miles an hour. It was so bad one of my hens had her back turned to
the wind and she laid the same egg six times."
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost
expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least
once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative
told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the
bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No,
keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
A US man caught red-handed after stealing from a shop says his evil twin did
it.
Wally Dykes was arrested after being identified on the security
camera of a convenience store in Franklin, Louisiana. He claims the real
culprit is his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in
identical clothes and commits crimes using his identity.
Dykes is
charged with burglary and possession of stolen property after he was found
in possession of the alcohol, cigarettes and cigars taken from the
shelves.
But Jerry Hartman, of the local sheriff's department, says
"When confronted with the photographs, Dykes said the perpetrator is his
evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in identical clothes and
commits crimes using his identity."
Dyke's unlikely defense was
quickly dismissed by police when they contacted his sister. She said Dykes
does have a brother, but added, "He's not a twin, and he's certainly not
evil."
Police say they have no plans to pursue the evil twin Dykes
claims is on the loose.
Why I Fired My Secretary
I woke up early feeling a little depressed,
because it was my birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided
to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went
down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy
Birthday, dear."
All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my
wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word.
So I got
myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, " oh oh well, she just forgot."
The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they will sing Happy
Birthday and have a nice gift for me.
There I sat, enjoying my coffee
and I waited. Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of
toast. I'm late. And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling
more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the
office my secretary greeted me with a nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss"
and said, "I'll get you some coffee." Her remembering made me feel a lot
better. Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together. Thinking it
would make me feel better I said that's a good idea.
So we locked up
the office and since it was my birthday I said, "why don't we drive out of
town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place."
So we drove out of town and went to a little out of the way place. We had
a couple of martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my
secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place and I will fix you another
martini."
It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to
do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a
martini. After a while she said, "Will you excuse me, I think I will
slip into something more comfortable," and left the room. room.
In
six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday
cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids and there I sat, with
nothing on but my socks.
[||||] M A C S S T A C K E D [||||]
Mickeydoo execs are
bracing for massive profit slides in Japan and Latin America due to local
fears of mad cow disease. (AP)
Not to mention the equally deadly
Fastfooditis B.
[||||] T H A R I T B L O W S ! [||||]
Lloyd's List, the
world's oldest shipping industry newspaper, caving to the politically
correct police, will no longer refer to ships as "she."
(AP)
Henceforth, boats will be referred to as "it" and cruise ships as
"midnight buffet delivery systems."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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