Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the
starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if
another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor,
sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would
you do?"
"Throw out another anchor."
"Hold on," said the
Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"
" From the
same place you're getting your storms, sir."
BREE'S BALDERDASH
SPECIAL
DELIVERY
Anonymous
Sally jumped
up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said:
"How is my little boy? Is he going to be OK, when can I see him?"
The
Surgeon said: "I'm sorry, we did all we could."
Sally said, "Why do
little children get cancer, doesn't GOD care any more? GOD, where were you
when my son needed you?"
The Surgeon said, "One of the nurses will be
out in a few minutes to let you spend time with your son's remains before
they are transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to
stay with her while she said good-bye to her son. She ran her fingers
through his thick red curly hair. The nurse said: "Would you like a lock of
his hair?" Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it in a
plastic bag and handed it to her.
Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to
give his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody
else, and that is what he wanted. I said no at first, but Jimmy said," Mom I
won't be using it after I die, maybe it will help some other little boy to
be able to spend one more day with his mother." Sally told the nurse,
"My Jimmy had a heart of gold, always thinking of someone else and always
wanting to help others if he could."
Sally walked out of the Children's
Hospital for the last time now after spending most of the last 6 months
there. She set the bag with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside her in
the car. The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty
house. She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the model
cars and things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them.
She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his
pillow. Sally woke up about midnight and laying beside her on the bed, was a
letter folded up. She opened the letter, it said.....
"Dear Mom I
know you're going to miss me, but don't think that I will ever forget you or
stop loving you because I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I'll think of you
every day, Mom, and I'll love you even more each day. Some day we will see
each other again. If you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so
lonely, he can have my room and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to
get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as us boys
do, so you will have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like."
"Don't
be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place. Grandma and
Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will
take a long time to see everything here. The angels are so friendly, I love
to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't look like any of the pictures I ever saw of
him, but I knew it was him as soon as I saw him. Jesus took me to see
GOD! And guess what , Mom? I got to sit on GOD'S knee and talk to him like I
was somebody important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and
tell you good-bye and everything, but I knew that wasn't allowed. But
then God smiled and handed me some paper and his own personal pen to
write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that
is going to drop this letter off to you.
God said for me to
give you the answer to one of the questions you asked him about---Where was
he when I needed him? God said-- The same place he was when Jesus was on the
cross. Which was right there, as he always is with all his children.
Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this
paper but you; to everyone else it looks like a blank piece of paper. I
have to give God his pen back now, he has some more names to write in the
Book Of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper.
I'm sure the food will be great. I almost forgot to let you know-----Now
I don't hurt anymore, the cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't
stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me suffer the pain
either, so he sent The Angel of Mercy to get me. The Angel said I was Special
Delivery!"
"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change,
but not the
essence."
--Vincent Van Gogh--
A "CAT" ASTROPHE
Cats and alarm systems do not mix. The humans acquired
an alarm system with the house they bought me years ago. They had no
problems with the alarm, as the detectors were cat-sensitive. That is, the
motion sensors are aimed higher than normal to allow us cats the freedom to
roam the territory without tripping any alarms. It worked well enough, until
the Big Owner started his weekend painting project in the Great Room.
All was going smoothly as he painted the walls. (I watched the paint dry and
actually enjoyed it. Humans are too busy to appreciate this simple pleasure.)
Then he moved to work on the ceiling, and brought in a ladder. There's the
problem. He never put the ladder away. While the Big Owner departed for
the day, I high-tailed it for my favorite toy: The ladder. Not that it
mattered, but no one told me the alarm had been set! No sooner had I climbed
to the uppermost rung than a shrill alarm blasted through my home! It blew me
off the top of the ladder, piercing my super sensitive kitty ears. I fell to
the floor (still landing on my feet, thank you) and retreated to a
neutral corner. It would not stop. The telephone rang. No human around
to answer. And I am NOT coming out from behind the furniture! About 15
minutes past, the Big Owner stepped back into my home (Thank goodness he was
close!) and neutralized the alarm. He stopped to talk to someone at the
door. I sneaked a peek, and ... my goodness! What a sight! ... There were so
many police cars you would think I had just opened a donut shop! Seems the
Big Owner had some explaining to do. No one could figure out
what happened until I sauntered in to the room. The cops immediately put
two and two together and got four ... four paws. No harm, no foul.
That's enough excitement for one day. But next time, said the
officer, the Big Owner must reimburse the cops for their time. I'll save
that for a special pay back. It was a good day.
Copyright 2001, Mark
Mason
You can subscribe to Mark's delightful and entertaining ezine by
clicking here: catdiary-subscribe@topica.com Visit Mark's website at
www.catdiary.com
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If you wish to use fresh herbs in a recipe that
calls for dried ones, simply use 3 teaspoons of fresh for every one
teaspoon of dried in the recipe.
Clams, crabs, oysters, scallops, and
shrimp each has its own cooking time. One rule of thumb prevails for
them all; shellfish should be cooked quickly to preserve the sweet,
delicate flavors.
For juicy BBQ spareribs, it is best to precook
them a bit to get rid of some of the fat. You can simmer them in water or
bake on a rack in the oven for a few minutes.
QUIRKY QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK LIBRARIANS.....
"Do you have a list of all
the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of
all the books I've ever read?"
"Which outlets in the library are
appropriate for my hairdryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil
War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" (DUH!!)
"Do you have
any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"Why don't you have any books
by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff." (I will be back with you
after I stop rolling on the floor at that one!!)
"I'm looking for
information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in
my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference
Desk)
YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF.....
You want to slap the next person who says
"Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers free."
You can tell
if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow
gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
When you
mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You
think people should be required to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce.
You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when
he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like
playtime for you."
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a
Valium salt lick.
MACARONI
Legend has it that upon being served a dish of this food, an
early Italian sovereign exclaimed "Ma caroni! " meaning "how very dear."
This semolina-and-water pasta does not traditionally contain eggs. Most
macaronis are tube-shape, but there are other forms including shells, twists
and ribbons. Among the best-known tube shapes are: elbow, ditalini,
penne, mostaccioli, rigatoni and ziti (long thin tubes). Most macaronis
almost double in size during cooking. The Italian spelling of the word
is maccheroni .
ZITI ITALIANO
2 tbsp olive or vegetable oil 2 tbsp butter or
margarine 1/2 cup finely chopped onion 1/2 cup finely chopped celery 1
medium green pepper, finely chopped 1 clove garlic, minced 1/4 cup chopped
stuffed green olives 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley 1 1/2 cups (14 ounce
jar) spaghetti sauce 3 cups (8 ounces) ziti, uncooked 1/2 cup (2 ounces)
shredded cheddar cheese
In large saucepan, heat oil and butter; add
onion, celery, green pepper and garlic. Cook until tender but not brown.
Add olives, parsley and sauce; simmer 10 minutes. Meanwhile, cook pasta
according to package directions; drain. Toss pasta with sauce. Sprinkle with
cheddar cheese. Makes 4 servings.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES....
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong
with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
"My dog had
worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4
"Wear a hat
when feeding seagulls."--Rocky, Age 9
"Beware of cafeteria food when it
looks like it's moving." --Rob, Age 10
"Syntax is all the money
collected in church from sinners." --Todd, Age 6 "Iron was discovered
because somebody smelt it." -- Debi, Age 10
A student was asked to
list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?.......... "3, 6, 1, 8, 4,
5, 9, 2, 10, 7"
A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY.....
Defense.......what you'd better have around de
yard if you're going to let de children play
outside
Drooling........how teething babies wash their
chins
Dumbwaiter......one who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert
Feedback.......the inevitable result when the baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots
Hearsay.....what toddlers do when
anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable......a woman whose memory of
labor is still vivid
Look Out!.......what it's too late for your child to
do by the time you scream it
Show Off.....a child who is more
talented than yours
Sterilize.....what you do to your first baby's
pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on
it.
Whoops.....an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a
sponge."
LIVE AND LEARN.....
A freshmen at Eagle Rock Junior High Won first prize
at the Greater Idaho Falls science fair. He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading
fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to
sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the
chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" and for plenty of good reasons since:
1.) It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2.) It is a major
component in acid rain 3.) It can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state
4.) Accidental inhalation can kill you 5.) It decreases effectiveness of
automobile brakes 6.) It contributes to erosion 7.) It has been found in
tumors of terminal cancer patients
50 people were asked to sign. 46
people signed to ban it. 3 were undecided and only one person realized
dihydrogen monoxide is.......water.
DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....
BAKED MUSHROOM RICE
1/4 cup butter or
margarine -- melted 1 cup long-grain white rice -- uncooked 1 can (10 1/2
oz) condensed chicken broth -- undiluted 1 can (10 1/2 oz) condensed onion
soup -- undiluted 2 1/2 ounces sliced mushrooms -- jarred,
drained
Combine all ingredients in an ungreased 2-quart baking
dish. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Yield: 4
servings.
If you have to go to the bathroom while
playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the
driveway every morning just for that purpose.
Always take a BIG drink
from your water dish just before licking your human. Humans prefer clean
tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel though.
Rather than
digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a
lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange
a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, they will think a gopher
did it.
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch as soon
as your humans go to bed.
Housebreaking is very important to humans. They
are always talking about it, so break as much of the house as possible
to keep them happy.
When chasing cats, never quite catch them. It spoils
all your fun and it hurts like the dickens!
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to
see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising
us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she
asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would
climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
MICRO MERINGUES (Debby Style)
1 egg white 1/2 tsp vanilla
essence 1 cup (250 g) confectioner's sugar 1 tbsp hot water
(optional) 1-2 tbsp vinegar if baking instead of using microwave
Place sugar and egg white in a bowl. Add vanilla and tablespoon hot
water. Should become a thick paste, ( a bit like fondant icing) so you can
roll into little balls.
Place by half teaspoonfuls or the little balls
onto wax paper, bake 6 at a time in circular pattern, on high for 1 1/2 - 2
minutes, depending on your microwave. With this recipe, I tend to place 6
at a time on dinner plates covered with sheets of kitchen towel, but be
warned the plates get hot. My microwave is 900 watt so I tend to cook these
for about 1.20 minutes. Experiment. Makes 65 - 70
meringues.
~~~~~~~
To bake in the oven, use the same ingredients
and add 2 tsp baking powder. Add the vinegar in the recipe.
Beat all
ingredients together, then add 2 level teaspoons baking powder. Beat for 7
seconds. Drop by the teaspoonful onto a greased flat cookie sheet. Cook for
20 minutes at 400 deg F(200 degrees C) Turn off oven and leave overnight. Do
not open the oven door, or these won't come out as well.
The recipe today comes from a reader in Karibe, Zimbabwe. She was good enough
to do all the conversions from metric to standard for me so I hope I do it
justice here. Thanks, Debbie!!
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New
York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I
hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's
eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the
bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with
dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the
box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One...
two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it
didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"
"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's what
you think you are not."
-- Denis
Waitley--
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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