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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are
you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four
and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they
can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna' be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life ... you become
21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ..........YOU BECOME
21...YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened
there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's
changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away !
Then, before you know it, you
REACH 50 ...and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE it to 60. You
didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50
and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT
70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get
into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN
4:30; you REACH bedtime.
My grandmother won't even buy green
bananas! It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!!
And it
doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST
92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and
a half!
( George Carlin)
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
According to the phone company 85% of obscene
phone calls are made by males.
A good-sized man approached the ticket counter at United Airlines and asked
for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the
plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you
weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger
asked. "Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
DISCLAIMER
DISCLAIMER: This conference does not reflect the
thoughts or opinions of eithermyself, my company, my friends, my dog, parrot,
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a profit from it; taglines are subjectto change without notice;
taglines are slightly enlarged to show detail; anyresemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purelycoincidental;
do not remove this tagline under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble
dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileagemay
vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is
voidwhere prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; product
isprovided "as is" without any warranties; user assumes full responsibility;
an equal opportunity tagline employer; no shoes, no shirt, no taglines;
quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do
not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center;
read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may
contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable,
parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets
and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down;
no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some
assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included;
action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet;
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use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages
arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation,
redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper
ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep
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not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking these taglines could
be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only
to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color
or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if
symptoms persist, consult a physician; taglines are ribbed for your
pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only
at participating Fidonet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow
four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to enter; disclaimer does not
cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic
eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from
improper installation, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized
repair, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers,
electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations,
customer adjustments that are not covered in the tagline list, and incidents
owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle
crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass,
mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not
be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers,
napalm, gerbils, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and
Gamma rays, knives, hamsters, stones, etc.); other restrictions may
apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.
A travelling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on
his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long,
he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought
them a cute little puppy.
Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in
by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow
animals."
In desperation, the man popped into the men's room
and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on
to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.
The plane took off, and a
half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that
the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he
was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little
airsick.
However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he
was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked
again if the salesman was alright.
He answered, "Well, actually, you know
that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in
my pants and brought it onboard anyway."
"But sir," said the
stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"
"Well, apparently the darned thing
isn't weaned yet."
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind
widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed
a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100
stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was
faced with a vital ethical question:
Nearly one-fourth - 23 percent - of major roads in the nation's largest urban
areas have significant deterioration and need immediate repair or
reconstruction, according to a report released March 14 by The Road Information
Program (TRIP), a nonprofit transportation research group based in Washington,
DC.
New Penn Motor Express recently recognized 13
employees who reached a career safety milestone during 2001: driving 1 million
miles without a preventable accident. On The Web - - http://www.etrucker.com/apps/news/article.asp?id=17177
W.VA. HAZMAT DRIVERS ENCOURAGED TO RENEW CDLS Commercial
drivers in West Virginia with CDL hazardous materials endorsements were
encouraged to renew their licenses now to beat delays expected to be created
by extensive background checks required by anti-terrorism legislation.
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous. Free politically
incorrect social satire weekly...
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Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
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Hehehehehe Hugs,
HOW DOGS CAME TO THE INDIANS
Two Ojibwa Indians in a canoe had been blown
far from shore by a great wind. They had gone far and were hungry and lost.
They had little strength left to paddle, so they drifted before the wind.
At last their canoe was blown onto a beach and they were glad, but
not for long. Looking for the tracks of animals, they saw some huge
footprints that they knew must be those of a giant. They were afraid and hid
in the bushes. As they crouched low, a big arrow thudded into the ground
close beside them. Then a huge giant came toward them. A caribou hung from
his belt, but the man was so big that it looked like a rabbit. He told them
that he did not hurt people and he like to be a friend to little people, who
seemed to the giant to be so helpless. He asked the two lost Indians to come
home with him, and since they had no food and their weapons had been
lost in the storm at sea, they were glad to go with him.
An evil Windigo
spirit came to the lodge of the giant and told the two men that the giant had
other men hidden away in the forest because he like to eat them. The Windigo
pretended to be a friend, but he was the one who wanted the men because he
was an eater of people. The Windigo became very angry when the giant
would not give him the two men, and finally the giant became angry too. He
took a big stick and turned over a big bowl with it.
A strange animal
which the Indians had never seen before lay on the floor, looking up at them.
It looked like a wolf to them, but the giant called the animal 'Dog.' The
giant told him to kill the evil Windigo spirit. The beast sprang to its
feet, shook himself, and started to grow, and grow, and grow. The more he
shook himself, the more he grew and the fiercer he became. He sprang at
the Windigo and killed him; then the dog grew smaller and smaller and
crept under the bowl.
The giant saw that the Indians were much surprised
and pleased with Dog and said that he would give it to them, though it was
his pet. He told the men that he would command Dog to take them home.
They had no idea how this could be done, though they had seen that the
giant was a maker of magic, but they thanked the friendly giant for his
great gift.
The giant took the men and the dog to the seashore and gave
the dog a command. At once it began to grow bigger and bigger, until it
was nearly as big as a horse. The giant put the two men onto the back of the
dog and told them to hold on very tightly. As Dog ran into the sea, he grew
still bigger and when the water was deep enough he started to swim strongly
away from the shore.
After a very long time, the two Ojibwa began to see
a part of the seacoast that they knew, and soon the dog headed for shore. As
he neared the beach, he became smaller and smaller so that the Indians
had to swim for the last part of their journey. The dog left them close to
their lodges and disappeared into the forest. When the men told their tribe
of their adventure, the people though that the men were speaking falsely.
"Show us the little mystery animal, Dog, and we shall believe you," a chief
said.
A few moons came and went and then, one morning while the
tribe slept, the dog returned to the two men. It allowed them to pet it and
took food from their hands. The tribe was very much surprised to see
this new creature. It stayed with the tribe.
That, as the Indians tell,
was how the first dog came to the earth.
As the sun would rise We would face the east To pray for all
creations From the birds to the beast To thank our Creator For another
sacred day Because all days are sacred If you worship the Indian
way
A crock-pot makes the ideal serving container
for a hot punch or hot dip. Keep it on the Low setting to maintain the
proper serving temperature
Use a crock-pot to revive stale potato chips
and crackers. Place them in the pot but do not cover. Heat on low
setting for 2 to 4 hours and they'll be crisp and warm.
Sugar and
acidic foods, such as tomatoes, tend to have hardening effect on beans;
therefore, always soften beans by soaking thoroughly before using them in
baked beans, chili, and similar recipes.
In a recipe, you can
substitute 1/3 cup of unsweetened cocoa plus 2 tablespoons of granulated
sugar and 2 tablespoons butter or margarine for 3 ounces of semi-sweet
chocolate.
KEY LIMES
A citrus fruit, about the size of golf balls, and round. The
fruits are pale yellow-green, the juice is yellow and very tart, more so
than standard limes. Grow in Florida, the Keys and other tropical places in
the Caribbean.
The following is a favorite found for sale throught the
Florida Keys and in many of their restaurants
KEY LIME COCONUT COOKIES
1 cup sweetened condensed milk 4 tb Key lime
juice 4 tb all-purpose flour 2 cup unsweetened coconut flakes 4 tbsp
sugar
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease 2 baking sheets.
Combine the condensed milk, Key lime juice, and flour in a medium
bowl. Stir in the grated coconut and then the sugar. If using sweetened
coconut, taste the mixture before adding the sugar. Add the sugar only if
you think it is necessary. The cookie should have a tangy flavor from the Key
lime juice. Drop teaspoons of the mixture onto a baking sheet, leaving 2
inches between each cookie; they will spread while baking. Bake for 25
minutes until they just start to turn golden. Remove from the pan to a rack
to cool. Store in an airtight container. Makes about 30 cookies.
SNAPPY SIGNS.....
Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a
tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing
Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On a
Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent
books
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick
byte."
Sign in Men's clothing store:"Wonderful bargains for men with
16 and 17 necks.
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we
pick your nose?"
DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....
1 2-oz can water-packed tuna, drained 1 tbsp
dill pickle relish 2 scallions, white part only, chopped 2 tbsp shredded
reduced fat chaddar cheese 1 tbsp reduced-fat mayonnaise 2 hot dog
buns
In a small bowl, flake tuna with a fork. Stir in dill pickle
relish, scallion, cheese, and mayonnaise. Partially open hot dog buns and
fill each with half of the tuna mixture. Wrap each filled bun with
microwave-safe plastic wrap or waxed paper. Microwave on MEDIUM (50% power
for 90 seconds or until cheese melts. Carefully unwrap the buns and cut in
half or leave whole. Serve warm.
Nutritional Information Per Serving:
Calories 187 11 g protein; 21 g carbohydrates; 14 mg cholestrol; 500 mg
sodium Exchanges: 1 lean meat, 1 1/2 starch
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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