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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Mrs. Smith was a
hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about
non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to
keep her happy. One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor
prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and
Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was
so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each
other in the cemetery. The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his
coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you
have anything for worms?"
Say the word COW before each word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 -
Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 -
Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now say the word COW After each
word
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 -
Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 -
How
10 - Look
Now say the word COW before AND after each
word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 -
Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 -
How
10 - Look
Now Read the word upwards from the bottom.
1
- Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 -
This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange
took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually
see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were
you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one
quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir,
will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The
witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured
it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a
noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing
outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do
about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about the
jackass laying before him.
The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the
Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to
bury the dead."
Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the
first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else." Lily Tomlin
A man usually feels better after a few
winks. Especially if she winks back.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were all in a terrible car accident, and
all died tragically. At the gates of Heaven, they were met by St. Peter, who
said to them:
"Ok, I'll ask you each one question, and if you answer
correctly, you may enter the gates of Heaven."
First, he asked the
brunette: "What is Easter?"
She answered: "Oh, it's when people get a big
tree and decorate it and exchange gifts!"
"No." St. Peter answered,
rather disappointed.
Next, he asked the redhead: "What is
Easter?"
"Oh, it's when people get all dressed-up and go door to door
'trick or treating'!" She answered.
St. Peter sighed, "No." By this
time, he was very discouraged, and when he saw that the blonde was the only
one left, he was positive she wouldn't know, but he asked
anyway:
"What is Easter?"
Confident, she began: "It is a
celebration of the man who died on the cross after going up a large hill,
carrying his cross, and stumbling three times..."
"You're right!" St.
Peter was overjoyed, but the blonde continued:
"And when he finally died
they laid him in a tomb..."
"No, no, that's quite enough, dear, you are
correct!" St. Peter exclaimed happily, but the blonde persisted:
"And
every year, he comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow, we have six
more weeks of winter."
'Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back. Fred, the mouse in
the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack. The eggs were all dyed but still
drippy and sticky... To be honest, they looked just a little bit
icky. There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such, And as Fred
stuffed his face, he sighed, "This is too much!" Phil and Rose were in bed
watching late night TV, While munching saltines with low-sodium
Brie.
Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night. It shook Phil and
Rose, really gave them a fright. Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes
bugged out big... Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her
wig.
They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds... What they
saw was amazing; it boggled their minds: Across the night sky, with a noise
like the dickens, Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown
chickens!
At the wheel sat a bunny -- cute, fuzzy and fat -- In
designer blue jeans and a Panama hat. Like a speeding space shuttle, those
chickens they flew, As the van driver called to each hen in his
crew:
"Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo! On Bethany, Liza!
On Daphne, on Flo!" The van made its landing lickety-split ... Nearly
wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!
Then up on the roof, much to
Phil's consternation, They squawked of egg prices and space
navigation. They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer, "If you
guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!"
Fuzzy hopped down
the chimney, amidst all this racket, And emerged from the fireplace,
adjusting his jacket. This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair
.. Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.
His ears were
enormous; his huge overbite Was right under a nose like a pink neon
light. His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool; This floppy-eared
bunny was no fuzzy fool.
"While I'm here," he smiled, "Everybody relaxes
... I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes. I'm just here
to bring you some fun and delight. Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party
tonight!"
So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes, Those
birds and their bunny just being plain folks. Then flop-ears said, "Hey,
friends, we've had quite a ball, But my chickens and I are now due in St.
Paul!"
He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear, And he
yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!" As the minivan rose in the 3
a.m. sky, He called out, "Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!"
As
he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say, "Happy Easter to all!
Have a beautiful day!"
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish
kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers
him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest
person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held
a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer
will get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their
guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of
our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said
"Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said
the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being
polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved
France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham
Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who
do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And
Abraham said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she
said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should
get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the
money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked
Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look, personally I think
Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.
On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and
were shown to their room, the man said, "You rest here while I register -
I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just
then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak
occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so
violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the
front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to
the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the
husband walks in.
"What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The
manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous. Free politically
incorrect social satire weekly...
An EzineADventure
AD. Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
Mom's Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty
while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough
to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception: You may put
pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that
may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll
your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start
washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry chute.
If you don't, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and
land behind the washer or drying, and Mom is getting to old to crawl back
there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be
easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and
pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger
for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of garment. This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes
bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the
neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So
far, she has been able to refrain from this action.
Dirty Clothes
Rule -- If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes,
do not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by
digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a
small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing worse than having to
put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over
and over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have
you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark
clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will have the
pleasure of this experience. Special note: In the future, all money found in
pockets becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise,
which she will go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry
while you are on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean
clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the
saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special
note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they
aren't dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them back in
your closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on and decide
that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for that
particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision that it
is easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back
up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the
future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy of this household
chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish about this in the
past. She also feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without it, you
may not ever want to leave home. This would not be in the best interest of
your parents.
Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by
Mom.
I, (sign your name) __________________________________ agree to
abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in the matter and do
not wish to further anger my mother. Date:______________
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage
of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" And
put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Rules To Love By...
* A hug everyday causes better bonding than
words.
* Never humiliate your partner between friends, it can become
a habit and cause things to end sooner than you expect.
* Watch how
you treat your man/woman, it will be how they start to treat you in the
end.
* When you say, "I Love you", mean it.
* When you say, "I'm
sorry", look the person in the eye.
* Don't judge people by there
relatives.
* Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others Responsibility for all your actions.
* Don't let a little
dispute injure a great friendship.
* Love does not need material things
to hold things together, it needs a hug, a kiss and tons of respect. Without
these it will never last.
* Men! If you want to know whether a woman
would make a good wife, then look to see if she makes a good
house-wife.
* There are three steps in a relationship, 1-falling in
love, 2-being in love, 3-loving unconditionally.
* If you find a good
woman, marry her. Someone else might be looking for her.
* If you
find a good man, care for him. Many are hunting him down.
"Did you
ever notice, if you put the two words 'THE' and 'IRS' together it spells
'THEIRS'?"
------------------------------
Behind
every great man is a great woman ... and behind every great woman is some guy
staring at her Butt!
from: Bob
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Count Dracula
Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the
night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting
women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street
sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks
round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he
thinks. What's going on here.
A few yards further on and ... BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again!
He whirls round as quick as he
can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich
lying on the ground. How odd!! A few yards further along the street and ....
crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he
can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is
a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness
of the night. Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a
tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as
fast as he can. He feels a
sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the
ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick
laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up
and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who are you? She
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