Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Unemployed people in Berlin are being sent bowling to help them find new
jobs. The night out is designed to let job center staff learn more about
their clients' abilities in an informal atmosphere.
They say it will
help them assess how people work in a team and perform under
pressure.
Job center employee Hein Luepkes says, "We hope this
informal atmosphere helps us find out more about people."
" Staff are
also trying to identify any physical problems clients might have, such as
back-ache."
The evening is part of a two-week course which also includes
training for job interviews.
Choir Tardiness Test
In order to measure your level of proficiency as a
choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts.
Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will
enhance the quality of the performance.
1. You are entering the choir
loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should: a.
Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer. b. Pretend that
you've had a heart attack. c. Crawl into the nearest chair. d. Begin
speaking in tongues.
2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a
result you boom out a high "C" one measure too soon. You should: a. Slide
into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing." b. Look triumphant and
hold on to the note. c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips
moving. d. Sink to the floor in shame.
3. After all those long hard
choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical.
You should: a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the
baptistery. b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and then
suddenly slip yourself into the choir. c. Turn the lights out in the church
and slip into the choir during the blackout. d. Read M. Stephen's pamphlet
"Techniques for Tardy Appearances."
4. While singing, you discover you
have only one page of a two page hymn. You should: a. Hum for your
life. b. Sing "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon." c. Try to get another
hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet. d. Sing the first page over
again.
5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of
the choir special. You should: a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your
neighbor's foot to create a diversion. b. Try to make it harmonize. c.
Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the
noise. d. Sink to the floor in shame.
Count the number of A's, B's,
C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:
4 or
more A's...there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir
member.
4 or more B's...your church choir reflexes are fully developed
and you should do well in choir.
4 or more C's...your church choral
experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an
asset to most any choir.
4 or more D's...it is recommended you take
soccer or group therapy counseling.
BREE'S BALDERDASH
THE EMPTY EASTER
EGG
Author Unknown
Jeremy was born with a twisted
body and a slow mind. At the age of 12 he was still in second grade,
seemingly unable to learn. His teacher, Doris Miller, often became
exasperated with him. He would squirm in his seat, drool, and make grunting
noises. At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly, as if a spot of
light had penetrated the darkness of his brain. Most of the time, however,
Jeremy just irritated his teacher. One day she called his parents and
asked them to come in for a consultation. As the Forresters entered the
empty classroom, Doris said to them, "Jeremy really belongs in a special
school. It isn't fair to him to be with younger children who don't have
learning problems. Why, there is a five year gap between his age and that
of the other students."
Mrs. Forrester cried softly into a tissue, while
her husband spoke.
Miss Miller," he said, "there is no school of that
kind nearby. It would break his heart if he had to leave. We know he really
likes it here."
Doris sat for a long time after they had left,
staring at the snow outside the window. Its coldness seemed to seep into her
soul. She wanted to sympathize with the Forresters. After all, their only
child had a terminal illness. But it wasn't fair to keep him in her
class. She had 18 other youngsters to teach, and Jeremy was a
distraction. Furthermore, he would never learn to read and write. Why waste
any more time trying?
As she pondered the situation, guilt washed over
her. Here I am she thought. Lord, please help me to be more patient with
Jeremy. From that day on, she tried hard to ignore Jeremy's noises and
his blank stares.
Then one day, he limped to her desk, dragging his
bad leg behind him. "I love you, Miss Miller," he exclaimed, loud enough for
the whole class to hear. The other students snickered, and Doris'
face turned red.
She stammered, "Wh--why that's very nice, Jeremy.
N--now please take your seat."
Spring came, and the children talked
excitedly about the coming of Easter. Doris told them the story of Jesus, and
then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth, she gave each of the
children a large plastic egg.
"Now," she said to them, "I want you
to take this home and bring it back tomorrow with something inside that
shows new life. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Miller," the children
responded enthusiastically --all except for Jeremy. He listened intently;
his eyes never left her face. He did not even make his usual noises. Had he
understood what she had said about Jesus' death and resurrection? Did
he understand the assignment? Perhaps she should call his parents and
explain the project to them.
That evening, Doris' kitchen sink stopped
up and she completely forgot about phoning Jeremy's parent.
The next
morning, 19 children came to school,laughing and talking as they placed
their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller's desk. After they
completed their math lesson, it was time to open the eggs.
In the
first egg, Doris found a flower.
"Oh yes, a flower is certainly a sign
of new life," she said. "When plants peek through the ground, we know that
spring is here." A small girl in the first row waved her arm. "That's my
egg, Miss Miller," she called out.
The next egg contained a plastic
butterfly, which looked very real. Doris held it up. "We all know that a
caterpillar changes and grows into a beautiful butterfly. Yes, that's new
life, too." Little Judy smiled proudly and said, "Miss Miller, that one is
mine."
Next, Doris found a rock with moss on it. She explained that
moss, too, showed life. Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom,
"My daddy helped me," he beamed.
Then Doris opened the fourth egg.
She gasped. The egg was empty.
Surely it must be Jeremy's she thought,
and of course, he did not understand her instructions. If only she had not
forgotten to phone his parents. Because she did not want to embarrass him,
she quietly set the egg aside and reached for another.
Suddenly,
Jeremy spoke up. "Miss Miller, aren't you going to talk about my egg?"
Flustered, Doris replied, "But Jeremy, your egg is empty."
He
looked into her eyes and said softly, "Yes, but Jesus' tomb was empty, too."
Time stopped. When she could speak again, Doris asked him, "Do you
know why the tomb was empty?"
"Oh, yes," Jeremy said, "Jesus was killed
and put in there. Then His Father raised Him up."
The recess bell
rang. While the children excitedly ran out to the schoolyard, Doris cried.
The cold inside her melted completely away.
Three months later,
Jeremy died. Those who paid there respects at the mortuary were surprised to
see 19 eggs on top of his casket, all of them empty.
"Make no judgments where you have no compassion."
~Anne
McCaffrey~
A KITCHEN TIP OR TWO.....
When a recipe calls for one cup of graham
cracker crumbs, you can crush eleven graham crackers finely to make one cup.
When a recipe calls for one cup bread crumbs, you can use 2 slices
of bread to make one cup.
Each 1 cup of raw noodles will make 1 1/2 cups
of cooked noodles.
SOY SAUCE
This extremely important ingredient in Asian cooking is a
dark, salty sauce made by fermenting boiled soybeans and roasted wheat or
barley. Although there is essentially one main type of soy sauce widely made
in the United States, China and Japan produce a number of varieties ranging
in color from light to dark and in texture from thin to very
thick. Unless otherwise indicated on the label, soy sauce may be kept for
many months in a cool, dark place. Soy sauce is used to flavor soups,
sauces, marinades, meat, fish and vegetables, as well as for a table
condiment.
TOMATO CHICKEN STIR-FRY
1 lb. boneless chicken breasts, cut into
strips 2 tbsp vegetable oil 1/4 tsp garlic powder or 2 cloves garlic,
minced 1 can (10 3/4 oz.) tomato soup 2 tbsp soy sauce 1 tsp
vinegar 4 cups hot cooked rice 3 cups cut-up vegetables (use a combination
of broccoli flowerets, carrots cut in matchstick-thin strips and red or
green pepper strips.)
Heat 1 tbsp oil in skillet. Add chicken and
stir-fry until browned. Remove chicken. Heat remaining oil. Add vegetables
and garlic and stir-fry until tender-crisp. Add soup, soy and vinegar. Heat
to a boil. Return chicken to skillet and heat through. Serve over rice.
Serves 4.
A bachelor's guide for knowing when food is bad.....
IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS
- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look
like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down
and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
MEAT - If opening the
refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to
congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS
- Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should
be disposed of ... Very carefully.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not
have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
FLOUR: Flour is
spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
GENERAL
RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....
BEEF AND NOODLE SKILLET DINNER
1 pound
extra lean ground beef 4 ounces uncooked medium egg noodles 1 cup frozen
whole kernel corn 1 cup sliced green onions 1 cup water 1/2 cup
salsa 2 cans ( 8 oz. each) tomato sauce, no salt added 1 oz. shredded
Cheddar cheese
In large skillet, brown ground beef until thoroughly
cooked, drain. Add all remaining ingredients except cheese, mix well. Bring
to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer 10 to 12 minutes or
until noodles are done, stirring occasionally. Sprinkle with
cheese.
STOP! Don't waste another minute promoting your
ezine until you check out this amazing software. Ezine Announcer - will save you a
TON of time and puts your ezine promotion on auto-pilot -- includes over 900
resources and will auto-submit your ezine listings, ads, articles... Try it out
for yourself ==> Ezine
Announcer.
Readers......I have not tried this but it sounds
easy and delicious. If someone does try it, please let me know the
results!!
1 16 ounce box of confectioners sugar 2 tbsp water 1
tbsp light corn syrup 1 tbsp butter; softened 1 tsp vanilla 1/4 tsp
salt 1/4 tsp almond extract 1 pinch cream of tartar 1 1/3 cups of
flaked coconut
Chocolate Coating: 8 Squares semi-sweet chocolate
Combine sugar, water, corn syrup, butter and vanilla. Add the salt,
almond extract and cream of tartar. This mixture will be crumbly. Add the
coconut. Shape into eggs (whatever size you want). Melt the chocolate in a
double boiler over low heat. Cool a little and then frost the Easter
eggs.
"What would you most like for your birthday?" a man asks his
wife.
She thinks for a minute. "I'd love to be ten again," she says,
smiling broadly.
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up
bright and early. Off they go to the local theme park. What a day! He
puts her on every ride in the park-The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear-everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the park five
hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into
McDonald's they go. Her husband orders a double Big Mac for her along with
extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie. It's the latest
Star Wars epic, with plenty of cotton candy, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M
& Ms. What a fabulous adventure of a day! Finally she wobbles home with
her husband and collapses into bed, stuffed to the max.
He leans over
lovingly. "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
She opens
one eye and stares at him. "You dummy," she moans. "I meant 10 in DRESS
size!!"
"He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what
he would like to have."
-- Socrates--
Judo Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a 10 year old
boy, who's left arm was damaged and subsequently amputated. He decided to
learn judo. His Sensei (teacher) was an old Chinese judo expert. The boy
learned quickly. After three months, he had learned only one move. He asked
his teacher to teach him more moves. The Sensai told him that this was
all he would need.
Soon after, the boy entered a tournament, where he
quickly advanced to the finals, where his opponent was bigger and more
experienced. The boy seemed very out matched. After a long match, the
opponent seemed to loose concentration. Quickly the boy took advantage and
pinned what seemed to be his superior opponent.
On the ride home, the
boy asked his Sensai. "How could I win with only one move?" The Sensai
replied, "You have nearly mastered one of the most difficult moves in all of
judo. And, the only defence against that move, is for your opponent to grab
your left arm."
Mom Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALIEN: What Mum would
suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning
up after itself.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum's youngest
child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family,
believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": Mum's
reason for having kids do things which can't be
explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never
make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where
Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who
have had the most sugar.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for
consumption. 2) Mum's other name.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles
of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
ENERGY: Element of
vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do
something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favorite phrases, reportedly used in
past times by children.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving
home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the
question "What's for dinner tonight?"
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse
items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each
week, then winds up doing herself.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves,
drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with
volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
consumption of the evening meal.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which
would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn
things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
"I SAID
SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours
cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while
making her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A
healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk
food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child
on another floor who wants something.
PANIC: What a mother goes through
when the darn wind-up swing stops.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname
for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or
clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
PIANO: A large,
expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of
lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of
company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear,
a football,wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for
the kitchen.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure
from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of
famous historic events.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that,
when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to
the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the
off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the
towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids'
faces.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a
fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TERRIBLE
TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific
space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative
estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do
something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of
clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an
accident.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be
"Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that
comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean
blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads
of gum.
XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD
SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell
kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": What Mum
would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12
months.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 205 seconds for 28K modem,
122 seconds for 56k modem & 56 seconds for cable/dsl
