Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you
get from not reading it.
WITCH OF THE SOUTH
You all remember that in the movie "The Wizard of Oz",
the wicked witch
of the East was killed by the falling house, the witch of
the West
stalked Dorothy and was killed by water, and Glenda, the Witch of
the
North helped Dorothy get home. There is no mention of the witch of
the
South. Here's what she would probably be like:
CLOTHING
West:
Black hat and cape
North: Pink formal dress
South: Tube top and
spandex
NOTABLE FEATURES
West: Green Nose
North: Flawless
Beauty
South: Beehive Hairdo
FAVORITE DRINK:
West:
Potions
North: Morning Dew
South: Moonshine/Mint
Julep
FOOD
West: Apples from talking trees
North: Poppies
South:
Moon Pies
HOUSE
West: Large black castle
North: In the
sky?
South: Why else would tornados be attracted to mobile
homes?
TRANSPORTATION
West: Broom
North: Bubble
South: Pink
Cadillac (That was a yellow bricked ROAD, not a
sidewalk)
FRIENDS
West: Flying Monkeys
North: Munchkins
South:
Hound Dogs
DESIRES
West: The ruby slippers
North: For Dorothy to
learn her lesson
South: A full mouth of teeth
FEARS
West: Water, a
house falling on her
North: She'll mess up her hair
South:
Revenuers
WEAPONS
West: Ball of fire
North: Snow
South: Shot
Gun
FAVORITE SAYINGS
West: I'll get you, my pretty
North: There's
no place like home
South: Ya'll ain't from around here, are
ya?
DEALING WITH PROBLEMS
West: Make Dorothy wait until the sand runs
out on the hourglass
North: Make Dorothy run all over Oz looking for the
Emerald City
South: Just click them heels, Darlin', and get yourself
home
This joke and others like it, can be found
in:
The Loony Bin
http://www.theloonies.co.uk/
Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child
will
be
retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought
boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite
of
this overwealming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah refused to
let
the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born
children
was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish
homes.
Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews
leave
slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised
land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been
known is why
the
Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would
refuse to
release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years
of
research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and
nurse,
to find the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those
years
studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And
once
found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile. (By Stan
Kegel)
Know this feeling ?
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning,
having just awakened
from a good night's sleep. He takes her
hand & she responds, "Don't touch
me."
"Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because
I'm
dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking
about?
We're both lying here in bed together & talking to one
another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband
insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes
you think you're
dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this
morning
& nothing hurts!"
While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy,
every so
often, you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or
not. The carrier
pilot in front of me as we passed thru the line
asked for a drink of water
after receiving what seemed to be at
least a dozen different
needles.
The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy.
"No, not at all." he
replied. "I just wantta see if I'm still water-tight."
Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and
their
married life had not been anything to brag about either.
But when,
after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill
went to the local
judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Michigan
gasped with
amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came
the
judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand
for
an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just
learned that
Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large
Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling
a big
juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This
went on each Friday during lent. On
the last Friday of Lent, the
neighborhood men got together and decided that
something just HAD to be done
about John; he was just tempting them to eat
meat each Friday of Lent and
they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided
to try and convert him to Catholicism. They went over and
talked with him
and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a
Catholic.
They took him to Church and the Priest sprinkled some water
over him
and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist,
and now
you are a Catholic." The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved,
now
their biggest lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's lent
rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and
just at supper time when the
neighborhood was setting down to their fish
dinners came the wafting smell of
steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their
noses! What was going on???
They called each other up and decided to meet
over in John's yard to see if
he had forgotten it was a Friday in
Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill
with
a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak
on
the grill and saying "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and
now
you are a fish"
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the
first
one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some
lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full
of
worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm
so
full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first
one.
"Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said
the
second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No
sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up
and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he
thought,
"I just luvvvv baskin' robins."
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ITALIANS
I am sure for most second generation Italian
American
children who grew up in the 40's and 50's there was a
definite
distinction between us and them. We were
Italians, everybody else, the Irish
the Germans, the
Poles, they were Americans.I was well into
adulthood
before I realized I was an American. I had been born
American
and lived here all my life but Americans were
people who ate peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches on
mushy white bread. I had no animosity towards
them,
it's just I thought ours was the better way with our bread
man, egg
man, vegetable man, the chicken man, ice
man to name a few of the peddlers
who came to our
neighborhoods. We knew them, they knew us.
Americans
went to the A&P. It amazed me that some
friends and classmates on
Thanksgiving and Christmas
ate only turkey with stuffing, potatoes, and
cranberry
sauce! We had turkey, but after antipasto, soup,
lasagna,
meatballs and salad. In case someone came in
who didn't like turkey we also
had a roast of beef. Soon
after we were eating fruits, nuts, pastries
and
homemade cookies sprinkled with little colored things.
This is
where you learned to eat a seven course meal
between noon and four PM, how to
handle hot
chestnuts and put peaches in wine.Italians live a
romance with
food.
Sundays we would wake up to the smell of garlic and
onions
frying in olive oil. We always had macaroni and
sauce. Sunday would not be
Sunday without going to
mass. Of course you couldn't eat before mass
because
you had to fast before receiving communion. We knew
when we got
home we'd find meatballs frying and
nothing tasted better than newly cooked
meatballs with
crisp bread dipped into a pot of hot sauce.
Another
difference between them and us was we had
gardens! Not just with flowers, but
tomatoes, peppers,
basil, lettuce and "cucuzza". Everybody had a
grapevine
and fig tree. In the fall we drank homemade wine
arguing over
who made the best. Those gardens thrived
because we had something our
American friends didn't
seem to have. We had grandparents.
It's not
that they didn't have grandparents. It's just they
didn't live in the same
house or street. We ate with our
grandparents and God forbid we didn't visit
them 5
times a week. I can still remember my grandmother
telling us how
she came to America when she was
young, on the "boat".
I'll never
forget the holidays when the relatives would
gather at my grandparents house,
the women in the
kitchen, the men in the livingroom, the kids
everywhere.
I must have a hundred cousins. My grandfather sat in
the
middle of it all smoking his DiNobili cigar so proud of
his family and how
well they had done.
When my grandparents died, things began to
change.
Family gatherings were fewer and something seemed to
be missing.
Although we did get together, usually at my
mothers house, I always had the
feeling grandmom and
grandpop were there.
It's understandable things
change. We all have families
of our own and grandchildren of our own. Today
we visit
once in a while or meet at wakes or weddings. Other
things have
also changed. The old house my
grandparents bought is now covered with
aluminum
siding. A green lawn covers the soil that grew the
tomatoes.
THERE WAS NO ONE TO COVER THE
FIGTREE SO IT DIED.
The holidays have
changed. We still make family
"rounds" but somehow things have become
more
formal. The great quantities of food we consumed,
without any ill
effects, is not good for us anymore. Too
much starch, too much cholesterol,
too may calories in
the pastries. The difference between "us" and
"them"
isn't so easily defined anymore, and I guess that's good.
My
grandparents were Italian/Italians, my parents were
Italian/Americans. I'm an
American and proud of it, just
as my grandparents would want me to be. We are
all
Americans now....the Irish, Germans, Poles, all US
citizens. But
somehow I still feel a little bit Italian. Call it
culture... call it
roots... I'm not sure what it is. All I do
know is that my children, my
nieces and nephews, have
been cheated out of a wonderful piece of our
heritage..
they never knew my grandparents...
Author Unknown
Did Ya' Know: 020331
------------------------------------
Paul McCartney is
responsible for 32 #1 hits on the
Billboard charts; more #1's than any other
artist.
The democratic custom of shaking hands instead of bowing
at
White House receptions was initiated in the Blue Room
by Thomas Jefferson
early in his first term as U.S. president.
The muskellunge, a fierce
fighting fish that can weigh
in at around 70 pounds, is the official state
fish of
Wisconsin.
From crocodile farms, Australia exports about
5,000 crocodile
skins a year. Most go to Paris, where a crocodile purse
can sell for more than $10,000.
*grin* It makes people
wonder!
~AIKEN~
Laurene's Oatmeal Cookie Candy submitted by Laurene
Boil for 2 minutes
and cool for 6-7 minutes:
2 cups sugar ( you may use less, it's very
sweet).
1/2 c. milk
1/2 c. butter
Add:
2 c. oats
1/4 c
cocoa
1/4 c. malt ( or no malt and 1/2 c. cocoa total).
1/2 c. choppped
nuts
1/2 c. cocoanut
Working quickly, drop on waxed paper, let harden,
enjoy!
Ice Cream Topping:
This is a recipe that I came up with long ago and we
just love it
very much. It is very easy to make and taste wonderful over
a
bowl of great vanilla icecream. Don't skimp on icecream with
a topping
like this one.
1 cup of white sugar
1and 1/2 cups heavy whipping
cream
*********************************************************
If you
have never melted sugar before be careful.
It is so easy to get
burned--badly.
DO NOT LET CHILDREN DO THIS..
I NEVER LET THEM NEAR THE
STOVE WHEN I DO THIS.
Take the sugar and put it into a heavy dry skillet.
Heat this over medium heat stirring constantly.
I use a wooden spoon to
do this also.
Once the sugar has turned to a liquid golden syrup remove
it
from the heat for a moment.
Quickly add the cream to it all at the same
time.
You are going to have this bubble up and think it is a ruined
mess.
Put it back onto the heat.
Now it will slowly turn to a rich creamy
golden caramel.
Keep stirring this until all of the sugar has been
dissolved.
If you wish you can serve this right away over the icecream
of
your choice.
You can use the next topping also and have two scoops covered
with two
different and very good toppings.
12 ounces of very good
chocolate ( 3 bars of GHIRADELLI) chopped well
(I use semi sweet chocolate
for this)
1/4 cup butter
*********************************************
Melt the butter in a skillet and once it is very hot
--almost burned
light brown add the chocolate and remove
this from the heat. You can do this
with a double boiler if you
wish. I just stir this until the chocolate is
melted.
Pour this warm over the top of ice cream and you will have a
crispy chocolate topping that is going to be great.
If you want to
have a Banana Split take one banana and
cut it right down the center
lenthwise and place in the bottom
of a oblong dish. Place two scoops of
icecream in the middle
between the two banana slices and cover with each of
the two
toppings. Top with whipped cream and cherries and chopped
nuts if
desired.
Sock it to me Cake by request
1 (18.5 ounce) package yellow cake mix
1/2 cup white sugar
3/4 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs
1 cup chopped
pecans
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup packed
brown sugar
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
****************************************************
Mix together the
cake mix, sugar, oil, eggs, pecans,
and vanilla. Fold in the sour cream.
Put half the batter in a bundt cake pan.
Mix the brown sugar and
cinnamon and sprinkle over the batter
in the pan. Pour the remainder of the
batter on top.
Bake at 350 degrees for 70 minutes until cake tests done.
Did Ya' Know: 020401
------------------------------------
Some lady beetle, or
lady bug, colonies have been reported to
contain as many as 500 gallons of
beetles. A gallon of beetles
contains from 72,000 to 80,000
adults.
The National Institute of Mental Health places fear of
flying
(aerophobia), second only to fear of public speaking.
The ball
used in hurling is also known as a "sliotar" or
"sliothar". The ball usually
has a cork center and is covered
with horsehide. Hurling for women is
called "camogie".
The female Victorian aristocracy in Britain would
change their
clothes at least four times a day.
*grin* It makes people
wonder!
~AIKEN~
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are seconds for 28K modem,
seconds for 56k modem & seconds for cable/dsl
thanks, David 1