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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
"We either live together as brothers and sisters,
or we perish together as fools."
~ Martin Luther
King~
========================= The Thieving Joker ========================= Stolen
from: Hilarity/Hilarity Junior To sign up --> http://www.keepahead.com ====================
http://www.ThievingJoker.net
====================
They were caught by police smoking the massive
spliff in a public park in Darwin, Australia.
All five are members of
cannabis campaign group Network Against Prohibition.
They were all
arrested, one for having a toke as the smoke-in began. They claimed it was
the town's biggest joint.
But it was not confiscated because police say
it may not have contained marijuana. Police have not yet said what those
arrested have been charged with.
The group's spokesman, Scott White,
says the joint was lit as a solidarity gesture for Darwin's pot smokers,
reports Australia's ABC News.
A dog has survived a 40ft fall after jumping out of a third-floor window to
try and catch a squirrel.
Leo the Labrador was sitting in a flat in
Brighton with his owner when he spotted the squirrel in trees.
He
pushed open the window with his nose and jumped, missing the tree and landing
on the pavement.
The Evening Argus says owner Colin Rowland found him
lying motionless and feared the worst.
Leo cut his back leg in the
fall. Vets expect him to make a full recovery. Mr Rowland thought he was
dead.
Mr Rowland, a joiner from Hove, believes his dog survived the
fall because he takes part in monthly dog agility classes.
He
remembers watching Leo's tail disappear through the window and expected to
find him dead.
Mr Rowland said: "I shouted but it was just too late. I
felt really sick. All I remember thinking is that I would have to scrape him
off the pavement.
"I picked him up and laid him in the back of the car
and he just collapsed. I though he was a goner. He was in shock and I didn't
know if he'd done some internal damage."
When he arrived at the vet's
Leo still hadn't moved a muscle. Mr Rowland said: "Then he sat up and noticed
all the nice ladies and began jumping up and running around. I felt like a
fraud. He's a miracle."
ADVICE TO DUMB CRIMINALS (based on what other dumb criminals have
done)
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on
foot...*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow
pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat
about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain
view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in
your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the
people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a
neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is
demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that
sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a
car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six
door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you
and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't*
repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall
technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through
your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my
car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about
your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give
when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on
the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the
toe of the officer's boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say
than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other
contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's
fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the
driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately
owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
If you leave your
pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to
figure out who dunnit.
Folks I think I did this next one before but it's worth another go around
THE TODDLER DIET
You folks with toddlers should relate to this
one!
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the
all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or
quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is
all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you
have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and
a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation
with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to
formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and
sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check
with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him
afterward.
Good luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg,
one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers;
dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a
handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the
rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on
the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from
kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if
desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky,
take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is
clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or
an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape
Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY
THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers,
rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on
the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter
and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk
on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato
chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of
toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over
bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink
milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and
dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A
glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of
mascara for dessert.
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to
grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing,
and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All
Bran or oatmeal. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 4. Funny, I don't
remember being absent minded... 5. If all is not lost, where is it? 6. It
is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 7. The only time the world
beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 8. If God wanted
me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 9. It's not hard
to meet expenses ... they're everywhere. 10.These days, I spend a lot of time
thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I'm here after.
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was
standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent
him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow,
all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps
after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an
old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your
trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he
did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now,
that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim
either," added the widow.
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just
as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk,
I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully
well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out, And my
diet I hate to think about. I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm
awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my
feet. Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me
night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory's
failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm
in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as
I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses
on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to
myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I
know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But
really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up
has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the
paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not
dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of
this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It
is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we
are in.
I AM FINE HOW ARE YOU ?
A little girl came running in the house and said, "Mommy, I met the most
wonderful man this morning. It was the garbage man, and he was carrying a big
bag over his head, and it broke and went all over him. And, you
know, Mommy, he just stood there and talked to his mother, his son, and
God."
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an
adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was
running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on
her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or
the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play
volleyball."
Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at the
beach. And it turned out to be a nudist beach.
They were watching the
various young women agog. When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of
the men said, "I'd like to give her a hug."
"I'd like to give her a
kiss," said the second man.
And the third old man said, "What was that
other thing we used to do?"
Today's thought is: 020426 . open up to hope and new possibilities .
Some
mornings we may awaken filled with thoughts of what is wrong in our lives.
Perhaps we obsess about our failures or the limits of our relationships. If
we let ourselves sink into self- loathing, we build a wall that separates us
from those things that nurture us and give us joy.
When we awaken to
the living and growing world, our spirits lift and open up to hope and new
possibilities. Walking along an old sidewalk or across an abandoned parking
lot, we see cracks in the concrete or asphalt and new green growth pushing
through. Where there is enough soil to hold a seed, there is the
possibility of a tree someday. The universe seizes opportunities for
renewal that slip through the slightest opening. There is always hope for
renewal in our relationships when we are willing to plant the seeds and feed
them so they can grow.
Name an experience that has shown you the
seeds for new growth.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Today's
meditation comes from the book The More We Find in Each Other by Mavis
Fossum and Merle Fossum copyright 1992 available through our online bookstore
at: http://www.hazeldenbookplace.org/store/product.asp?sku=5087
TOP TEN REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS:
1. Dogs will tilt
their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you
and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come
home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still
be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you
unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for
every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog
knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how
you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs
will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your
slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat
next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at
all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats
will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will
play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day
long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in
pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will
quietly sneak out the back door.
You can't please everyone. But it is possible to make'em all mad at the same
time.
My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was
being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their
attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the
floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary
fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time.
However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive
us. Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked
where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on
the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 15, all work
will be supervised by 5 children."
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such
as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as
Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he
said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair
discrimination." His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April
first
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't
work that way.... So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
