Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
[||||] H E L L O ? H E L L O ? [||||]
Setting bail at
five grand, a Big Apple gavel grinder found that Ursula Reichert-Habbishaw
stalked Richerd Gere, phoning him at least 1000 times during the past
year. (USA Today)
The $5,000 was immediately posted by AT&T.
[||||] H E A V Y M E T A L [||||]
The American Environmental
Safety Institute has sued Hershey, Nestles, and Kraft Foods, alleging that
chocolate contains dangerous levels of lead and cadmium.
(AP)
Which won't come as a surprise to moms who routinely use M&M's
as refrigerator magnets.
Nasa admits it trawls web auctions for obsolete components for use in
shuttle launches. Scientists routinely check eBay and Yahoo for old computer
parts. They say a stockpile is needed to keep old support systems
running...
... That explains that $8 million bid for a toilet seat
cover on E-Bay...
A company in Grimsby is offering a job to a burglar who broke into its
factory six months ago. Bosses at Fowler and Holden say they'll keep a
quarter of the 27-year-old's wages until he's paid back the cost of the
burglary. He broke in and stole £300 from the engineering firm. The man's
lawyer Andrew Havery says he's turned over a new leaf after years of
drug addiction. He received a one-year community rehabilitation order for
burglary...
... At least they know if he loses his keys he can still get
in...
A Complete Search
A Scotchman with the romantic name of Bruce Wallace
made history at London's famous Scotland Yard shortly before the war. He
actually demanded an interview with the head of the Yard to report that he
had lost a shilling on Old Bond Street and that he had been unable to find
it.
The Scotland Yard official fell into the spirit of the occasion
and assured him that the entire London Police Force would be put on the
job.
That night, as fate would have it, something went wrong with one
of the gas pipes under Old Bond Street and fifty workmen were dispatched to
locate the source of the trouble. They dug a ditch six feet wide straight
across Old Bond Street, stopping traffic completely, of course, and
exposing all the underground pipes to the open air.
Early in the morning,
the bereaved Scotchman appeared on the scene, took one look at the repair
work in progress, and shook his head with reluctant approval. "I must
say one thing for the rascals," he admitted. "They're thorough."
From
Laughing Stock, Edited by Bennett Cerf, Grosset and Dunlap, NY 1945.
There was a young fellow named Wright, Who could travel much faster than
light. He left home one day, for a place far away, And got back the
previous night.
There one was a man from Peru, Who dreamed of eating his shoe, he awoke
with a fright, in the middle of the night, and found that his dream had
come true!
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a
long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while
longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he
doesn't recognize me."
I agree with this next one !
I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about abstract art.
We
were looking at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colors and he asked,
"What's that?"
I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his
horse."
"Well," he continued, "Why isn't it?"
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did
you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward,
"Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did
you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman,
"FrenchToast."
[||||] R H Y M E S W I T H H U M B L E [||||]
CBS's
"Early Show" ratings pariah Bryant Gumbel said his final good byes Friday
before heading into permanent Hasbeenville. (USA Today)
At the cast
party afterwards, guests sipped champagne as a blindfolded Bryant clubbed a
Katy Couric piñata.
[||||] T I M - B E R R R R ! [||||]
Dub and his Smoky Bear
loving environmentalist buds have decided that 9.7 million acres of Alaska's
Tongass National Forest should put out the welcome mat for Paul Bunyonites
to cash in on all that prime board footage. (USA Today)
And
they'll probably enlist all those lay about welfare recipients to man the
chain saws.
[||||] F I N A L A N S W E R [||||]
After three years of
tube dominance and profits exceeding a billion clams, the Reege hosted
"Millionaire" has been axed by ABC. (NY Times)
But not to
despair. With greed out of the way, the net has six more deadly sins to
exploit.
[||||] R U B B E R M E E T S R O A D [||||]
Oval
track wheeler George Mark will take the green flag at the Indy 500, only the
second African American to crack the lily white ranks of the Back Home Again
good ol' boy greasy fingernail club. (AP)
[||||] K I L L E R ' Z A [||||]
The Center for Science and
the Public Interest has exposed Pizza Hut's "Stuffed Crust Meat Lovers'
Pizza" as an artery jamming combo of 420 calories, 21 fat grams and a day's
worth of salt. (AP)
But in the fast food trough's defense, the thing
does come with a discount coupon for a pacemaker or an angeoplasty --
customer's choice.
Brussels Sprouts and Red Bell Peppers
2 pounds (900 g) fresh Brussels
sprouts 6 T (90 ml) butter or margarine 2 large red bell peppers, seeded
and cut into 3/4-inch- (18-mm-) wide strips 1 teaspoon (5 ml) dry
basil 1 teaspoon (5 ml) prepared mustard Salt and pepper to
taste **************************************************************** Prepare
and steam or boil sprouts until cooked. Set aside. Melt butter in a 4- to
5-quart (4- to 5-liter) pan over medium -high heat; add bell peppers, cover,
and cook until slightly soft (about 3minutes). Stir in basil, mustard, and
sprouts. Cook, stirring frequently, until sprouts are heated through
(about 3 more minutes). Season to taste with salt and pepper. Makes 8 to
10 servings. Per serving: 137 cal., 6 g protein, 11 g carbo., 9 g total fat,
27 mg chol., 134 mg sodium
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting
social satire daily or weekly...
An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
In a small bowl,
mix together hoisin sauce, sherry, soy sauce, barbeque sauce, green onions,
garlic and ginger. Cut flank steak across grain on a diagonal, yielding thin,
2 inch wide slices. Place slices in a 1 gallon, resealable plastic
bag. Pour hoisin sauce mixture over slices, and mix well. Refrigerate 2
hours, or overnight. Preheat an outdoor grill for high heat. Thread steak
on skewers. Grill 3 minutes per side, or to desired doneness. Makes 3
servings
Cherry Good Cobbler
Ingredients for 8 Servings
2 cans(21-ounce)
cherry filling and topping 1 tsp Almond extract 1 cup All-purpose
flour 2 TBLSPNS Granulated sugar 2 t Baking powder 1/2 cup Orange
juice Topping: 1 TBLSPN Slivered almonds, coarsely chopped 1
TBLSPNGranulated sugar 1 t Grated orange peel 1/2 t Ground
cinnamon ******************************************************************* Combine
cherry filling and almond extract in an ungreased 8x8x2-inch baking
pan. Combine flour, sugar and baking powder in a medium mixing bowl; mix
well. Add orange juice, stirring just until dry ingredients are
moistened. Drop batter by tablespoonfuls over cherry filling, making at least
8 dumplings. For the topping: Combine almonds, sugar, orange peel and
cinnamon in a small bowl; mix well. Sprinkle on top of cobbler. Bake
in a preheated 350-degree oven 30 to 35 minutes, or until filling is bubbly
and dumplings are brown. Great tasting dessert with less than 1 gram of fat
per serving.
What is success?
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having a
drivers license. At age 20 success is having sex. At age 35 success is
having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 60 success is
having sex. At age 70 success is having a drivers license. At age 75
success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.
Some people are pessimists, they think the glass is half empty. Some
people are optimists , they think the glass is half full. I am a realist, I
know that sooner of later, I am going to have to wash that darned
thing!
Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the
nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They
then order two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They
then order another two whiskeys apiece.
Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick
and says, "Cheers!"
Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come
here to Talk, or did you come here to drink?"
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He
sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little
old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and
his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he
said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at
him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated.
The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing
home about!"
The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the
project we worked so 'hard on'."
Wendy was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the
top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, Wendy had to stretch, but
still couldn't grab the box.
Fortunately, her husband was six-feet-tall
so she called him to help.
"Hey, James!" Wendy yelled , who was in the
living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for
me?"
"Sure, Honey," James remarked as he bounded into the kitchen.
"But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'"
AFTER I JOINED my Navy husband on his tour of duty in Japan, I looked for a
job to supplement our income. I was pleased when my first interview netted a
secretarial position at the nearby Army facility. I was sure my typing skills
had landed me the post. But a few weeks later my boss, a full colonel, called
me into his office and told me I was too quiet. "The reason I hired you," he
explained, "was your delightful Texas accent. I'm homesick for someone who
can talk right."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Janet E. Ross
Provided courtesy of Reader's Digest (http://www.rd.com).
MY HUSBAND met me at the doctor's office for my routine checkup, and from
there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars, I
arrived at the restaurant first. "One for dinner?" asked the hostess. "No," I
replied. "There will be two of us in just a minute." When I saw the panicky
look on the hostess's face, I realized I had forgotten about my appearance.
Anybody could see that I was at least 8-1/2 months pregnant.
--
Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Loann K.
Burke
Stolen from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com All
materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2002 by Jerry Lerman. All
Rights Reserved. ==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net
====================
Bonehead award one goes to an Erie County, Ohio,
convicted rapist who raped a patient in her bed at the former Providence
Hospital and who has now filed a $2 million lawsuit against the hospital for
not having had adequate security that would have prevented him from trying
to rape her. And, he says, this has caused him emotional pain since
he's now in jail.
Bonehead
award two goes to the trash collectors whose actions resulted in the
following entry in the Los Alamitos, California, police report:
A
resident "claimed the trash collectors took his $360 portable basketball hoop
along with the trash."
From the Steve Harvey column in the LA
Times.
------
Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal"
bonehead award goes to a Savannah, Georgia teenager who drove to the police
station in a stolen car to talk to his arrested girlfriend, according
to police.
Associated Press wire service
16-May-02
------
You! Out of the gene pool!
Bonehead award
four goes to a Green Bay Wisconsin man who, for some sort of sex jolly,
handed his wife a shotgun and told her to point it at his scrotum and shoot,
which she did. He thought the gun wasn't loaded. He's in critical condition .
and out of the gene pool.
The
life of a woman in Equatorial Guinea was saved when a burglar, hiding in her
home after being surprised by her return, saw her friend put poison into her
food and stepped out from his hiding place to warn her.
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a heavyset man. The heavyset man
challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel,
a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he
was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a
solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body,"
he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk
lines, we won't count."
Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Edmonton
International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice
behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the
front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat."
I resolved not to let
this line-jumper get ahead of me. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled
around, prepared to give the man a tongue-lashing -- but found myself face
to face with a smiling pilot.
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the doctor told his anxious patient,
"You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for
the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told
his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay
you in that time."
"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it
NINE months."
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented
his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved
her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started
this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things
couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got
home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he
loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why
she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little
Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
"George W. Bush has a little more of his mother in him. Where his father
would bite his tongue, every once in a while George W. Bush flaps his
tongue."
- Andrew Card White House chief of
staff
Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe
trip."
Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility?
I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do... go kick the tires, drug test the
pilot, what?
I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the
cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and
Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the
matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular?
Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet
many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my
Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend
suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear
ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get
together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just
like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found
one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast
friends."
So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged,
yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 193 seconds for 28K modem,
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