Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with
his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for
the Minister."
The son said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean
the priest. We are devout Catholics."
"Get the Minister! Get the
Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.
"Dad, your illness must
be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the
shoulder. "I will call the priest."
The old man insisted, "If you
have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."
So,
reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the
Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments
later, the parish priest knocked on the door.
The son said, "Father, I
am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here."
The
priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could
you do it? WHY did you do it?"
The old man looked up and replied, "Well,
Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one
of us."
A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun.
The clerk, seeing
that the customer was obviously very wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted
mother-of-pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A
bargain at $20,000.
The customer says, "No, not quite what I
need."
Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its
fine points. A steal at only $7,500.
The customer says, "No, I don't need
anything that fancy."
The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a
Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $129.95.
The
customer says "That will do nicely. After all, it is a small wedding."
A giant wave swooshed onto the shore and swept little Moishele into the
ocean. Mrs. Apple went crazy and cried out, "G-d, oh G-d! I know that we
don't go to shul that often and are often late getting there and I am really
sorry. But please give us back our little boy Please, please dear
G-d!"
Suddenly, a miracle occurs as yet another wave sweeps little
Moishele back to shore.
His mother rushed up and grabbed her son
and wrapped him in towels to dry him off, and then she held her hands up
to the blue sky.
"So G-d," she said, "Where's his hat?"
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best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows
everything.
Golfers at a course in Canada are being tormented by a ball-stealing fox.
It has snatched a number of balls from the fairways of the
Victoria Beach course in Manitoba.
Some golfers have hit perfect tee
shots only to see the fox scurry across the fairway and snatch the ball.
Golfers say the animal is lightening fast. Luckily they don't drop
a stroke as balls stolen by foxes comes under the heading "outside agency"
in the rule book.
The course has now put up signs warning golfers of the
furry thief.
[These stories from close to home are just too good to let
get by!]
A
mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he
spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting
for the service manager to come take a look at his
bike.
The
mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked
over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up,
wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can
open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this
will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the
really big money, when you and I am doing basically the same
work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine
running!
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Dog Lessons
If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff
like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet
them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the
experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice
obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your
territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and
play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid
biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your
back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No
matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of
a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had
enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If
what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having
a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
And
finally... Never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas
shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm . . . that's funny. When I
lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very
remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house,
fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very
affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just
can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few
people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong
work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here
take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I,
however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our
herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and
boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this
fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc
replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients
at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their
vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that
their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them,
then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned
tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course,
that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the
tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like
the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a
complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell
them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
The standard Slinky is 87 feet long, fully
uncoiled.
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are
proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'
* Cots will be placed in
the foyer for those who say, " Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
*
Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for
those who say it is too hot.
* There will be hearing aids for those who
say," The pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, " He
preaches too loudly."
* Scorecards will be available for those who
wish to list the hypocrites present.
* Some relatives will be in
attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
* There will
be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.
*
Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf
on Sunday.
Rubin was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking
and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said
to him with a snarl, "Sir, there's no smoking in here."
Rubin said,
'I'm not smoking lady.'
"But you have a cigar in your mouth,"
the woman said.
"Lady," Rubin answered, 'I've got on
Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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