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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The
banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the
money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I
have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later
the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to
pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan
off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take
care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
A Romanian mayor is being investigated after ordering city owned trash
containers painted in the colors of the national flag.
Under Romanian
law, any act which shows contempt towards national signs is punishable by up
to three years in jail.
But the mayor says it's ridiculous to compare a
trash can with the country's flag.
The controversial colorful
containers have been removed until the investigation is complete.
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
Average American office workers send about 36
emails a day.
The Married Man's Score Board
(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected
of him)
Social Engagements ------------------ * You stay by her
side the entire party: 0 * You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to
chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 * Named Tiffany: -4 * Tiffany
is a dancer: -6 * Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday
Afternoons ------------------- * You visit her parents: +1 * You visit
her parents and actually make conversation: +3 * You visit her parents and
stare vacantly at the television: -3 * And the television is off: -6 * You
spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6 * And you
didn't even go to college: -10 * And it's not really your underwear:
-15
Her Birthday ------------ * You take her out to dinner: 0 *
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 * Okay, it's a
sports bar: -2 * And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 * It's a sports bar,
it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team: -10 * You give her a gift: 0 * You give her a gift, and
it's a small appliance: -10 * You give her a gift, and it's not a small
appliance: +1 * You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 * You give
her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 * You wait until the
last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 * With her credit card: -30 *
And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
A Night Out With Your
Pals ---------------------------------------- * You have a few beers:
-9 * For every beer after three: -2 again * And miss curfew by an hour:
-12 * You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 * You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of
booze and cheap cigars: -30 * And not wearing any pants: -40 * Is
that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just the Two of
You ------------------------------------------------- * You go see a
comic: +2 * He's crude and sexist: -2 * You laugh: -5 * You laugh too
much: -10 * She's not laughing: -15 * You laugh harder:
-25
Driving ---------- * You lose the directions on a trip: -4 *
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 * You end up getting
lost in a bad part of town: -15 * You get lost in a bad part of town and meet
the locals up close and personal: -25 * She finds out you lied about
having a black belt: -60
Communication ---------------------- *
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression: 0 * When she wants to talk, you listen, for over
30 minutes: +5 * You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at
the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 * She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep: -10
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man said, "Who is the
ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my
wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the first
man said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's
my daughter!"
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped
too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he
reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of
the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below.
If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries
out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to
no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice
replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the
Lord"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help
me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic.
"What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody
else up there..."
Service With A Smile
A man wrote a letter
to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He
wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in
my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner,
who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time,
I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off
the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for
being drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel
bill. Yes,indeed, your
dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're
welcome to stay here, too.
A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw
a party and he invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
Leroy, the token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the
women.
At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10
ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of the rich
white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around
and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of things like head-butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese
Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy
and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy
strangled the gator and let it sink to the bottom like a K-Mart gold fish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief.
Finally and reluctantly, the rich white guy says, "Well,
Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I
don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to
give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
The white
dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How
about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
The brother said
no.
The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you
want?"
Leroy answered, "I want the name of the wonderful person who pushed me
in the darn pool."
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and
ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well
there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after
the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown
into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray
bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled
parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a
gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the
envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John
Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to
him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it,
but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was
shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as
the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the
Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the
meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the
representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all
about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea
than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions
of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private
chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we
shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."
The Chief
Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried
open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief
Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient
paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened
it.
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last
Supper.
Notice
PLEASE NOTICE!!
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you
to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been
noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses
to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to
remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not
want the notices to go unnoticed.
From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man
said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably
go home with the same old one."
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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest
sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you
remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring
become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug,
"It's their life," and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital
corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked,
"When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the
accident stage, " My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little
chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly,
disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if
to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage
and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother just smiled faintly
and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime
waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A
friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry in a few years,
you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and
said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of
being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new
wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My mother just smiled faintly
and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their failures, be
tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My
friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own
life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's wan smile
and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you
get home. Are you depressed about something?"
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze
the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse
or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no
one answered. I was worried." I smiled a wan smile. The torch has been
passed.
3. Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played
golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit
out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of
expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said
he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul
language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to
cuss about....?"
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball. --Jack Lemmon
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home
late at night." -Marie Corelli
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for
you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow
and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has
to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk
of cheese:
"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for
four?"
"Yes, Thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Non
smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this
evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
"Very well, sir," he
said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed
patio, or our lovely solarium?"
"Uh, let me see...uh..."
"I can
give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."
"I think
the solarium would be lovely," I said.
We followed him
there...
"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf
course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the
West?"
"Whatever you recommend," I said.
Let HIM make a decision
for a change, I thought.
He sat us by a window facing the golf course,
lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was
dark outside.
Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking
than any of us, presented himself at our table...
"Good evening, my
name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few
minutes before I take your order?"
"No," I said. "I'm just a
meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked
potato."
"Soup, or salad?"
"Salad."
"We have a mixed-green
salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby
shrimp."
"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"
"Whatever you say, sir.
Dressing?"
I didn't want to make another decision...
"Whatever
you've got will be fine."
"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese,
Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch."
"Just bring me
one. Surprise me."
"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that
be all right, sir?"
"Yeah."
I was curt. I was done with
civility.
"And for your baked potato?"
I knew what was
coming!
"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't
want anything on it."
"No butter? No sour cream?"
"No."
"No
chives? No bacon chips ? "
"No! Don't you understand English? I don't
want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."
"Would
you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak,
sir?"
"Whatever."
"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium,
medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for
you."
"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get
me steamed."
"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like
steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced
carrots?"
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up,
put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to
settle this outside?"
"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking
lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"
"I
prefer right here."
Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered
with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he
hadn't offered me a selection.
I collapsed semiconscious into my chair,
as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.
I felt my tie
being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face.
When I
regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my
nose.
He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call
the paramedics, whatever I wanted.
"No, no," I said. "I'll be all
right. Just bring me a glass of water."
"Yes, sir, right away," he
said.
"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or
club soda with a wedge of lime?
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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