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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. I see you have
no vegetables today."
"No", said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher
shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down
the street."
Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened
the door, she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"
"They
was in, but they is out now." he answered.
The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr.
Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, they are out now.' Where's your
grammar?"
"She's upstairs taking her nap."
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try
to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer,
so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine I looked everywhere, in all
the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install
hardware part of the control panel then I got out all the manuals and went
through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped
with one So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I
wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.
Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman.
I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex
drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get
smart with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that
I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she
couldn't help me and walked away. HUH, must not have had any in stock.
In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my
computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and
asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him
yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started
laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard
to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.
The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the
turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off
the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it.
"She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away
laughing.
The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath
and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not
carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.
So that's where I am now.
If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex
drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do
with it.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her
a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If
you smile, put them back."
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night,
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down
the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The
92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets
killed by a car. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the
news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to
console the boy saying, "But don't worry, your cat is in heaven with God
now."
... The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu, When someone smiled at
me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and
someone saw my grin When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to
him .
I thought about that smile then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine could travel round the earth.
So,
if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected Let's start an
epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Keep the smile
thing going by sending this to a friend. Everyone needs a smile!!!
Life's embarrassing moments
OK, I'm the only female in a house full of
guys. Four sons and one hubby. The toilet seat is never down,
etc. Soooo, I'm the only one who would be using "feminine products,"
correct? But a strange thing was happening at my house. Tampons were
disappearing.
{{{{{Insert Twilight Zone theme}}}}}
OK, a few
months ago I went to my cupboard to get a tampon and there was ONLY one
left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I
go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next
month, I go back to the cupboard, and yep, you guessed it; there is only ONE
tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins? I go to the store and
buy another box, and forget about it again.
Well, I decided to clean
out my two youngest son's closet and lo and behold! At the bottom of their
closet are the wrappers, the applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK! Dear God, what are they doing with tampons? I
manage to get a hold of myself, by telling myself, "I am an adult, damn it,
and I can handle this," despite the bizarre thoughts running through my
mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR
THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two
youngest sons to "COME HERE!"
They march up the stairs and find me
in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What
are you doing with these? They're MINE!"
My 12-year old looks like a
deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10-year old looks at me
innocently and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our GI Joes and
figurines, and those things make really good S.C.U.D. missiles! What do
YOU use them for?"
NEVER MIND! GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!
Moral of the Day !
A man came home from work late again, tired and
irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. "Daddy,
may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the
man.
"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of
your business. What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said
angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an
hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an
hour."
"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said,
"Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the
only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can
borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you
march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're
being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time
for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room
and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about
the little boy's questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get
some money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to
think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something
he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for
money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and
opened the door.
"Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm
awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard
on you earlier," said the man.
"It's been a long day and I took my
aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for.
" The little
boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy" he yelled.
Then,
reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.The man,
seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The
little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man. "Why
did you want more money if you already had some? " the father
grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy
replied.
"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your
time?"
Moral: share $20.00 worth of time with someone
you love..just a short reminder to all of us working so hard for our
living. However, let us not let time slip through our fingers without
having spent some quality time with those who really matter to us.
'Attitudes are more important than facts'.
On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the
year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up
outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into
uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one
of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the
room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom.
Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in
trouble.
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said
to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back? Are you crazy???" roared the boss. "What kind
of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
The U.S. Postal Service says they lost $1.7 billion. You'd think that they, of
all people, should know not to send that type of money by U.S. mail.
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped
and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead. "OH, NO!" cried the lab
technician." Your reproductive organs just received a big dose of
radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's very
serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"
Sick Dog
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog
on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on
the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on
him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a
Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on
the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of
sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments
with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook
his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the
room.
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a
bill for $600.
The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This
is outrageous!"
Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the
cost would have been $50, but... with the Lab work and the Cat scan, the bill
just kept adding up."
Subject: A Few Giggles
1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
2. When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an
older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your
grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice,
" I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
3. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for
me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
4. When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he
spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What
are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the
seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
5. This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were
three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey,
what are these army men doing in my coffee?" her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in
your cup!'"
6. In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a
screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,
"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert;
keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly
are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert.
7.A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know
that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,
" he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
8.While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"
9.A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning."
10.While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found
a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his
version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."
11.A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!"
A murderer has escaped from his German prison by hiding in a cardboard box.
The regional ministry of justice says the man escaped from the
section of Rostock prison where inmates work.
He hid in one of the
boxes that are manufactured in the jail and was shrink-wrapped inside.
Spiegel magazine says the box was then transferred to a truck
which took him out of the prison.
The 28-year-old then escaped and
the truck driver alerted police when he noticed the empty box.
Justice ministry spokesman Christian Pegel said he's been at the
jail since 2000.
Today's thought is: Time spent attempting to change others affords little
time for personal change. -Georgette Vickstrom
We must be willing
to change or we wouldn't be reading these words right now. However, being
willing to change is often easier than doing it. One of the biggest changes
most of us need to make is learning to let others be who they are,
regardless of who we want them to be. Most of us think our lives would be
far smoother and more productive if only other people lived up to our
standards. How wrong we are!
It we could change others as we wish, we
would live far less enlightened lives. In fact, we discover opportunities
for personal development in our interactions with the men and women who
frustrate us so. The irony is that we wish they'd change, but if they did,
we wouldn't experience the growth we deserve.
I will enhance my
growth today by letting others be who they are and working on
myself.
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