Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young
man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that
this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office,
the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100
miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then
10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her,
picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes,
and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
New Jersey police have charged three teenagers with putting a preserved
pig's heart in their teacher's coffee cup.
They say two 16-year-olds and
a 17-year-old put the heart in the supply teacher's cup during an English
lesson.
Detectives say the teacher drank from the cup but didn't
swallow any of the heart. They say the boys got the heart from a biology
lab. The woman fell ill after ingesting formaldehyde.
She hasn't suffered
any long-term health problems. The boys have been charged with
assault.
School officials learned of the prank after concerned pupils
told teachers about the incident. After the incident, the boys allegedly
removed the heart and threw it out of a window, but it was later retrieved
by police.
The teacher says she doesn't know why they picked on her.
The three boys have been suspended and will appear in court later this
summer.
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
19 million Americans own bowling balls.
The Walls
The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday School. The teacher
introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying
Joshua."
"That's wonderful," said the new Pastor, "let's see what
you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Billy
shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."
Taken aback
the Pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of
Jericho?"
Teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he
says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."
Flustered, the
Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related the story to
him.
The Director looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had
some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can
do."
Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the
director, the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole
story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.
A
white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well,
Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the
walls and leave it at that."
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1. It takes the odor out of books and photo
albums that don't get opened too often.
2. Repel mosquitoes. Tie a
sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito
season.
3. Eliminate static electricity from your television screen.
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your
television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from
resettling.
4. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used
sheet of Bounce.
5. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual
sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
6. Prevent
thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before
beginning to sew.
7. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet
of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
8. Freshen the air in
your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
9. Clean
baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water,
let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken
the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents
soften the baked-on food.
10. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a
sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
11. Collect cat
hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all
the loose hairs.
12. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds.
Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from
resettling.
13. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A
used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
14.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the
bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
15. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place
a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell
better in the morning.
Five junior officers were given an assignment by the base commander to
provide him with the height of the main flagpole. Knowing the dangers
associated with ladders and junior officers, the Captain forbid them to climb
on anything to make the measurement.
The flagpole was a flurry of
activity...the officers ran around with notebooks and calculators, using
complicated math formulas to try and ascertain the flagpole's height using
the length of its shadow and the position of the sun.
But the
calculations did not come out right, no matter how hard they tried. Just
when they were ready to give up, a salty Chief came walking by. The Officers
quickly told him of their plight, and asked him for help. The Chief
grudgingly agreed to assist.
Cursing under his breath, the Chief studied
the situation for a moment, grabbed a measuring tape out of one of the
bewildered officers hand, and quickly went to work. He calmly pulled the
flag pole out of its mount, laid it down and measured it.
He then
stood the pole back up in its mount, shouted to the officers "15 feet" and
walked off.
The Officers were shaking their heads in disbelief. "Isn't
it just like a Chief," one disgusted officer said. "They are always
trying feed you a line. You ask him for the height, and he gives you the
length."
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They
were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their
gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two
behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all
six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the
lit tle plane could not make it and they crashed into the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other
hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."
Three physicians, a Russian, a Cuban and an American were all in the
same train compartment heading for an international medical conference.
The door opened and a managed care executive came in and sat down. The
others politely ignored him and continued their animated conversation. The
Russian took a large bottle of the finest Vodka from his briefcase. He poured
a glass for each of them and declared, "My country produces the finest Vodka
in the world! Nowhere else will you taste Vodka this good. Not only that, but
we have so much of it that we can just throw it away." With that, he stood up
and threw the rest of the bottle out of the window. The other companions were
quite impressed. The Cuban, not to be outdone, pulled a large package of
Havana Cigars out of his valise. He handed one to each man and said, "No
country in the world produces cigars like we do in Cuba. The finest!
Everywhere in my land they are so plentiful that we just open a pack and toss
the rest away." He then threw the rest of the pack out the train
window. Again, the others were very impressed. At that point, the American
physician, without a word, got up from his seat and tossed the managed
care executive out the window.
Blonde Moment Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The receptionist
was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of
the phone number she began calling.
Each time she called, her phone
would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout
the morning.
When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained
what was happening and demonstrated for her superior.
He noticed that
the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS
THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
Baldness ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a
man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald in the back, he is a
lover. If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.
'Papa,
are you growing taller all the time?' 'No my child. Why do you ask?" 'Cause
the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy
hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has
flesh-colored hair.
He has less hair to comb, but more face to
wash.
It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall
face.
There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.
There's a new
remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It
doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you
have.
He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.
Note From David 1:
I sincerely hope that this next story is true ! !
The Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would speed up
executions in heinous crimes that had more than three eyewitnesses.
If
more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on death row
for fifteen years. You go straight to the front of the line.
While
other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, Texas is putting in an
express lane!
& I guess now you
know where I stand on this issue.
David 1
From the I don't believe this catagory ! & I don't, David 1(shakes head & walks away.)
LONDON (Reuters) - A British theater company has dropped the word hunchback
from its stage adaptation of the classic novel "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"
to avoid offending disabled people, newspapers reported Friday. Oddsocks
Productions has renamed its touring production "The Bellringer of Notre Dame"
after discussions with a disability adviser raised the possibility of
offending people with spina bifida or the disfiguring scoliosis of the
spine. "We have not changed the novel in any way, we simply felt changing
the title would cause less offence of people," producer Elli Mackenzie was
quoted as saying by the Daily Mirror. French author Victor Hugo's classic
1831 novel, set in 15th century Paris around the cathedral of Notre Dame,
tells the tragic story of a deformed bellringer Quasimodo and his love for
a beautiful gypsy girl Esmeralda. The novel has been translated into 20
languages and adapted several times for the stage and screen -- including a
1939 Hollywood film starring Charles Laughton and Maureen O'Hara. The
original title of the novel was "Notre Dame de Paris," but its name was
changed when the book was translated into English and the hunchback has
remained part of the title until now. Libby Biberian of the Scoliosis
Association told newspapers she was pleased at the change. "I would be
embarrassed and offended by the original title," she said.
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the
cameras.
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of
China.
You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with
an application.
If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric
chair.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit
Happens.
You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth
control...your face will do just fine.
You're so ugly, you could model
for death threats.
You're so ugly, when you were born they put
tinted windows on your incubator.
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up
on your mirror.
You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your
reflection turns to stone.
You're so ugly, when you sit in the
sand the cats try to bury you.
You're so ugly, your doctor is a
vet.
You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at
you and slapped your parents.
You're so ugly, you stuck your head out
of the car window and got arrested for mooning.
You're so ugly,
your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a
hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You're so ugly, you have to Trick or
Treat by phone.
You're so ugly, when your mother went into labour
your father went into shock.
I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother
grazing in the field.
You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first
I peeked, then I booed.
You're so ugly, you can sink your face
in dough and make monster cookies.
You're so ugly, they call you Taco
Bell, when people see you they run for the border.
You're so ugly, you
make onions cry.
You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you
in.
You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said,
"Thanks for bringing him back."
You're so ugly, you went to a freak
show and got a permanent job.
You're so ugly, the police sketch
artists are afraid to draw you.
You're so ugly, when you get sick they
call the vet.
You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
You're
so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
You're so ugly,
everytime you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.
You're so
ugly, you can't hail a bus.
You're so ugly, they call you Moses
because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.
You're so
ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.
You're so ugly, they let
you park in handicapped spaces.
You're so ugly, when you threw a
boomerang it didn't come back.
You're so ugly, when you went to the
zoo they refused to let you out.
You're so ugly, you can't get a date
off the calendar.
You're so ugly, when your mother went into labour
the doctors went on strike.
You're so ugly, your last name is Link
and your first is Missing.
You're so ugly, people put your picture
in their car window as an anti-theft device.
You're so ugly, that you
can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.
A little boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course, he had no
idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first day of school,
he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such
basic things.
Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and
said, "Don't worry son. I'll sew the answers to those questions on your
collar, and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to
do is to peek at your collar."
And so she sewed the answers on her
son's collar.
The following day, the teacher came up to him, and
asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?"
The boy peeked at his collar and
replied, "Mary."
The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but
continued on. "And who is her husband?" After another peek at the collar, he
replied, "Joseph."
"Why, very good son," the teacher
commented.
"And for the last one," said the teacher. "Who is their
son?"
The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently,
"NIKE!"
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle
bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man
ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and
commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up
looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
Thewoman beside him peered
over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're
going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to
die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private
replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line
again!"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 249 seconds for 28K modem,
148 seconds for 56k modem & 68 seconds for cable/dsl
