Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large,
well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many
years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of
himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary. He was
particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to
his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I
could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to
preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the
test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for
mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a
sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope
there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one
word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit." The
young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came. He
ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with
anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet
of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and
proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down
the mountain....."
A Deep Voice
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a
deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG
!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice
says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock
with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he
sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE
CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes
the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says:
ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette
tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him
with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the
whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is
quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the
26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
Bumper Stickers
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
No Matter Where You Go, There
You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor
Student.
Cats Flattened While You Watch.
I May Be
Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
Stamp Out Crime
- Abolish the IRS
Dare to keep the CIA off
Drugs.
Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
Happiness
is Coming.
Have You Flogged Your Crew
Today?
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat
American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out what is so
unusual about it? It looks so ordinary, you'd think nothing was wrong with
it. And in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual, why? Study it.
Think about it and you may find out. Try to do it without coaching. If
you work at it for a bit, it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try
your skill at figuring it out!
Good Luck - Don't blow your
cool!
= = = = = =
The Answer
* * * *
There
is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph!
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
Armadillos can walk under water.
Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?
1. Name the Beatles, first and
last names.
2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2
words)
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)
4. What do
M&Ms do?
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
6.
Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as ...
(2 words)
7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7
words)
8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was
Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)
9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)
10. A
'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?
11.
"Brylcream: ..." (6 words)
12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust
anyone .... (2 words)
13. "I wonder, wonder who-o-o-o-o ..." (6 words)
14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)
15. Where have all the flowers gone?
16. Superman, "disguised as
Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper,
fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)
17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's
pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!
18. "I'm Popeye the
sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5
words)
19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other
imitators?
20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman)
was advised about his future and told to consider one
thing.
What?
21. In 1962, a dejected politician,
having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the
press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2
words) And he lied!
22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him
arrive/ He stood six foot six, weighed 245/ Kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip/ And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2
words)
23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)
24.
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)
25. "Good night, Chet. ..."
(3 words)
26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey
movie!
27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the
star today! Smile! ..." (4 words)
28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop
she-bop?
SCROLL DOWN
FOR
ANSWERS
Here we go with
answers:
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison,
Ringo Starr
28.
"Who put the ram in the ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong"
The Collection: Unmatched BIG MONEY Ebooks with Reprint and Resale
Rights. The Price: an outright Steal. Guaranteed worth your time to
visit.
An EzineADventure AD. Click here & Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
Airline Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DOS AIR
All the
passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it
gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they
grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
DOS
with QEMM Airline
The same thing but with more leg room to
push.
Windows 3.x Airlines
The airport terminal is nice and
colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane,
and a completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the plane blows
up without any warning whatsoever.
Windows '95 Airlines
The
terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and
the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6
months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes
off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes
without warning.
Mac Airways
The cashiers, flight attendants, and
pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and that everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up and please return to your seat and watch the
movie.
OS/2 Skyways
It's almost empty, with only a few prospective
passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing
profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the
sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
To
board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing
in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to
sit and whether the plan should look and feel like an ocean liner,
a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane
and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash
position.
Fly Windows NT
All the passengers carry their seats out
onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane, says the
password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. They all sit down,
flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
flying.
Wings of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s,
arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their
tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of
course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid
questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have Support Line, which requires a
first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS
Airlines
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This
plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the
passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the
engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar
doors!
Unix Express
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane
and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them
all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.
Mach Airline
There is no
airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait
and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the
plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're
building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground
waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot
telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they
have arrived.
Newton Airline
After buying your tickets 18 months
in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you
are asked for your name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your
name and you are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to
take your eat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat the
boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make
sure they can take more passengers.
Investment Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STOCK: A magical
piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then
be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned
his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you
trust to help you make major financial decisions.
Please note the first
five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account
and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary
gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest
quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's
presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person
sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in
theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e.
"The rent, sir?" "Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this
month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do
into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is
making a margin call.
A "blonde" soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the
back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a
corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through.
You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said,
"Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I
have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The
general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up
to the rear window and said - "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or
the driver?"
Help moving
Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a
business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers
all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on
the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs
and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they
belonged.
Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up
three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go
around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and
turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.
Finally all of us
boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building.
From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny
balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all
cool- lapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we
would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apart- ment. "The next
time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the
couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to
take a saw to it!"
As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked
better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work,
and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from
Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked
Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?"
"Sure," he
replied. "Did you run into any problems?" "No."
"Now, wait a
minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it
over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit
through the kitchen!"
Steve looked at me with total disbelief and
said "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!"
Today's thought is: Martyrs set bad examples. - David
Russell
Sometimes we call people "martyrs." We think of them as victims.
They suffer, but sometimes not for a cause. They play "poor me." They
want people to notice how much they suffer. They are afraid to really
live. These are the people who set bad examples.
True martyrs died
for causes they believed in. We remember them because they were so full of
energy and spirit.
We can also live a life full of energy and spirit.
Recovery helps us live better. Let's go for it!
Prayer for the
Day Higher Power, thanks for giving me energy and for healing my spirit.
Help me live fully by putting my life in Your care.
Action for the
Day What kind of example do I set? Does my life reflect joy for life and
recovery?
