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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
You are one of two people on an airplane about to go down. There is only one
parachute. How do you react?
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a
feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red
conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the
airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Internal Revenue
Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and
gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle
curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask
them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you
refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all
cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually
exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the
parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable
of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics:
you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they
would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of
a parachute reminds them of.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall
and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it
is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will
take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane
engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that
skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco
Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable
coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful
to your health.
Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!* If the metric system did ever take over,
we'd have to change our thinking to the following: * A miss is as good as
1.1 kilometers. * Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward. * Spare the 5.03
meters and spoil the child. * Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453
grams of cure. * Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06
kilometers. * Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned
to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the
back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL
spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd
suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn
answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they
sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ
spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said,
"Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her
crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell
Nothing!"
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make
the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in
America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in
America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in
America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer
was tart: "I have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays
out all night and a fireplace that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want
a husband?"
Armed Gang of Clowns on the Loose ------------
MANCHESTER, England - An
armed gang of clowns is on the loose in England. A group of three clowns
pulled off the perfect heist at a local wine bar and handcuffed a
manager, threatening him with a sawn-off shotgun and a knife. They escaped
with "a small amount of money" according to authori- ties. Then came a wild
goose chase. Inspector Darren Shenton said the clowns took off in a van and
managed to escape police pursuit even though they were involved in three
car accidents along the way. In a statement, Shenton said, "There is no
doubt that anyone walking along the road at the time the robbers were heading
into or out of the building would have spotted them, especially as they were
dressed as clowns." Police are now appealing to the public for
infor- mation on the wild bunch.
Man Bitten by Pet Cobra, Goes for Beer ----------
DULUTH, Minnesota -
What do you do when your venomous pet Egyptian cobra snake bites you on the
hand? You go for a beer, of course! When David Anderson's (known as "Crazy
Dave"), snake bit him twice, he went to the local bar because he didn't
have a phone at home. He chugged a beer before even telling anyone what
happened to him. He was rushed to the hospital, and the Milwaukee County Zoo
had to send over antivenin, to which Dave turned out to be allergic. He
was reported in fair condition two days later. Anderson apparently got off
lucky because cobra bites often cause loss of muscle control and the ability
to breathe. Neighbors knew he kept a snake, but they had no idea it was
venomous. It's illegal to possess a venomous snake in Minnesota.
RENTING A CAR OVERSEAS? CHECK FIRST Many of us take for granted how easy it
is to rent a car here in this country. Reservations can be made and
rates checked through an increasing number of avenues, from calling the
agency directly to using a travel agent to going onto the Internet. But
finding the right car overseas may be a tricky venture, particularly when it
comes to the different kinds of coverages in other countries. Writing in
the Christian Science Monitor, Steve Dinnen reports that understanding
insurance options in foreign countries can be a daunting task. He notes that
the kinds of "automatic" coverages afforded by some credit card companies
are not so automatic in other nations. Just as there are restrictions imposed
by many companies in this country as to whether you can take a car into
Canada or Mexico, many European countries' car rental agencies have
restrictions as to the scope of travel on that continent, though less
restrictive now that the Iron Curtain has fallen. The answer may be to rent
from an American-based company before you leave and ask all the questions you
can think of.
JULIA GETS ADVICE FROM NEW HUBBY'S EX
The ex-wife of Julia Roberts' new
husband warns the super- star he'll cheat on her, too. Vera Moder, divorced
from Danny Moder just a short time before he and Julia were married July 4
at Roberts' ranch in New Mexico, also cal- led the "Pretty Woman" star a
"husband stealer." The 29- year-old makeup artist said she was still married
to Moder when he and Julia started seeing each other. She predicted the
marriage won't last a year, accusing both bride and groom of having roving
eyes.
MARTIN ISSUES DEL MCCOURY SIGNATURE GUITAR
Del McCoury is to be presented
with a signature series Martin guitar during a concert in Nashville
Thursday night. The historic guitar maker is honoring McCoury with an
Edition D-28DM, made from solid Indian rosewood and built in the classic
Martin style. Dots of blue lapis stone adorned by rings of pearl symbolize
McCoury's love for the blues.
RAY PRICE RELEASE DUE AUG. 27
Country music veteran Ray Price, who joined
the Grand Ole Opry a half-century ago, has signed with Audium Records and
a new recording is set for release Aug. 27. The new album, "Time," features
some world-class pickin' by Buddy Harman, Harold Bradley, Buddy Emmons, Bob
Moore and others. Price, who moved to Nashville in 1951 in search of
a record deal, lists "Crazy Arms" and "For the Good Times" among his hit
songs.
GREAT SIDE RECIPE FOR GUACAMOLE:
Ingredients: 2 large avocados 2
green chillies finely chopped 2 tbs. finely chopped fresh coriander 1
tbs. finely chopped onion 1 tbs. finely diced tomato salt lime
juice
* Cut the avocados in half. Remove the stone and scoop
out the flesh. Mash with a fork. Put the avocado, chillies, onion, tomato
and coriander in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Add drops of lime juice to stop
the avocado turning black, and salt to taste. Serve immediately!
A yellow-headed Amazon parrot which impersonates Ethel Merman has cut its
first CD. The album is called Bird Beat and has been released on a Los
Angeles record label devoted to animals.
The bird's favorite tune
is called 'Zippety-do-dah, which is being released across the US later this
month.
Larry O'Mitchell, the bird's owner say's "She's always had it
in her. She has the most amazing personality even at an early
age."
"I don't expect to get rich off of her CD sales but can
anyone else say their parrot has a CD out?"
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS *****************************
Today we bestow FOUR
bonehead awards!
We don't need to tell anyone not to try this at
home.
Bonehead award one, a "questionable aspirations," bonehead award,
goes to an Indian man who has now achieved, according to the Guinness
Book of World Records, the record for a having the greatest number
of cement blocks broken on a his groin.
He endured three 41-pound
blocks smashed on his groin with a sledgehammer. This same man also holds
the record for enduring the most kicks to the groin (43) according to the
Limca Book of Records.
Bonehead
award two goes to some animal rights activists in Pennsylvania who smashed
the glass doors of the Mr. Charles Shop in State College and threw red paint
on the shop's windows because a jacket with a fake fur collar was displayed
in the store window.
When I was a kid I sold magazine subscriptions
to earn extra money. And now I am again selling magazine subscriptions to
earn extra money. I haven't aged a day!
Do you read magazines? Do you
give people gift subscriptions? Why not order them from the NOT! For
Boneheads Magazine Stand?
Bonehead award four is a "stupidest excuse in the world," bonehead award.
And it is especially pathetic that a judge bought the excuse. Thank goodness
there's a Court of Appeals.
A Chicago woman who was arrested for
embezzling more that $240,000 was let off without having to serve a jail
sentence by US District Judge Matthew F. Kennelly after claiming that she had
a disability; she is a "shopaholic" and therefore could not control her
spending and so needed to steal money.
The 7th US Circuit Court of
Appeals saw it differently. They say she has to serve time in
prison.
************************************************* HELP!
I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL
UNIVERSE! *************************************************
Not
today
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Make new friends
and have wonderful conversation at the Bonehead Of The Day message board!
<a href="http://bonehead.community.everyone.net">AOL
Users Click
Here</a> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
story about some people who may need to attend a seminar on effective
negotiating.
About 600 Nigerian women are holding about 700 ChevronTexaco
male employees hostage inside an oil terminal and have threatened to
strip butt naked unless the oil company hire's their sons and helps
develop their run-down villages.
For most Nigerian tribes, unwanted
displays of nudity by wives, mothers or grandmothers are extremely damning
to, and a source of,shame for, those it is directed at.
A black cobra bit an Indian farm
laborer, working in a paddy field. In retaliation the man chased the cobra
through the field, grabbed it, and bit a piece of its spine and windpipe off,
killing the snake. He survived after taking the snake to the hospital where
they were able to match the snake species with the appropriate
anti-venom.
"Hansda's mental strength to chase, catch and bite the
fleeing cobra for a tooth-for-tooth retaliation is really rare," said the
doctor. . Ananova 15-Jul-02 http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_629318.html
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few
seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she
replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax.
He's downtown playing poker with you."
Have a good joke to
share? mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke
AS A NEW GRANDMOTHER, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby
girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a
friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just
coming up the street. As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire
Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You
should have a hat on." My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and
said, "You owe me ten bucks."
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life
In These United States" by Pat C. Macon
& there ya have so it. Soo Lets do some
ranting for her.
David 1
Bus Pastor
Here is a story about a nine-year-old boy who lived in a rural
town in Tennessee. His house was in a poor area of the community. A
church there had a bus ministry that came knocking on his door one Saturday
afternoon. The child came to answer the door and greeted the bus pastor.
The bus pastor asked if his parents were home and the small boy told him
that his parents take off every weekend and leave him at home to take
care of his little brother.
The bus pastor couldn't believe what the
child said and asked him to repeat it. The youngster gave the same
answer and the bus pastor asked to come in and talk with him. They went into
the living room and sat down on an old couch with the foam and springs
exposed. The bus pastor asked the child, "Where do you go to church?"
The young boy surprised the visitor by replying, "I've never been to
church in my whole life."
The bus pastor thought to himself about
the fact that his church was less than three miles from the child's house.
"Are you sure you have never been to church?" he asked again.
"I'm
sure I haven't," came his answer.
Then the bus pastor said, "Well, son,
more important than going to church, have you ever heard the greatest love
story ever told?" and then he proceeded to share the Gospel with this little
nine-year-old boy. The young lad's heart began to be tenderized and at the
end of the bus pastor's story, the bus pastor asked if the boy wanted to
receive this free gift from God.
The youngster exclaimed, "Of
course!" The child and the bus pastor got on their knees and the lad invited
Jesus into his little heart and received the free gift of salvation.
They both stood up and the bus pastor asked if he could pick the child
up for church the next morning. "Sure," the nine year old replied.
The
bus pastor got to the house early the next morning and found the lights off.
He let himself in and snaked his way through the house and found the
little boy asleep in his bed. He woke up the little boy and his brother
and helped get them dressed. They got on the bus and ate a doughnut for
breakfast on their way to church.
Keep in mind that this boy had never
been to church before. The church was a real big one. The little child just
sat there, clueless of what was going on. A few minutes into the
service, these tall unhappy guys walked down to the front and picked up some
wooden plates. One of the men prayed and the child, with utter fascination,
watched them walk up and down the aisles.
He still didn't know what
was going on. Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, it hit the child what
was taking place. These people must be giving money to Jesus. He then
reflected on the free gift of life he had received just twenty-four
hours earlier. He immediately searched his pockets, front and back, and
couldn't find a thing to give Jesus.
By this time, the offering plate
was being passed down his aisle and, with a broken heart, he just
grabbed the plate and held on to it. He finally let go and watched it
pass on down the aisle. He turned around to see it passed down the aisle
behind him. And then his eyes remained glued on the plate as it was passed
back and forth, back and forth all the way to the rear of the
sanctuary.
Then he had an idea. This little nine-year-old boy, in front
of God and everybody, got up out of his seat. He walked about eight rows
back, grabbed the usher by the coat and asked to hold the plate one more
time. Then he did the most astounding thing I have ever heard of. He
took the plate, sat it on the carpeted church floor and stepped into the
center of it. As he stood there, he lifted his little head up and said,
"Jesus, I don't have anything to give you today, but just me. I give you
me!"
And we know that all things work together for good to them that
love God, to them who are the called according to his
purpose...
Have a Moving Moment to share? Send it
to mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=MOMENT
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make
sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back
seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked
to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a
nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said
incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
[Contributed
to Reader's Digest.]
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting
social satire daily or weekly...
An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
Put a shallow pan or dish with one cup of ammonia on the top shelf of your
oven. Put boiling water in a bowl or pan on the shelf below the one with
ammonia. Put this in overnight. The fumes loosen baked on stains making it
easier to wipe up in the morning....
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night
the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. --William Shakespeare,
from Hamlet
Bonus Quote
The remarkable
thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the
people who say he is very good. --Robert Graves, English critic
EARLY-STAGE CANCERS MIGHT NOT NEED CHEMO A new report, issued in the Journal
of the National Cancer Institute, would seem to show that many
post-menopausal women may find no benefit from the use of chemotherapy to
treat early-stage breast cancer. The report could be good news to those
who find that the "cure is worse than the disease," when taking the
often-debilitating "chemo" treatments. The publication quotes a study
coordinated by doctors at a cancer center in New York City. The key
to knowing whether or not the traditional chemical treatments are
warranted can be a check of what is called hormone sensitivity. Nearly
200,000 cases were compared in the multi-state study. Estrogen sensitivity
levels were examined in the statistics used by researchers who arrived at
the new findings.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are seconds for 28K modem,
seconds for 56k modem & seconds for cable/dsl
