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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
& here comes a story from Pooh.
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car.
He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and
realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was
worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
He hadn't
been searching long when, sure enough, he found a gas cap.
He tried it
on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he
thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And
this one's even better because it locks."
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and
some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going
to name a disease after you."
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there
outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the
outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this
here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the
hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there
hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if you're gonna fix the
problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind
ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this
here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the
hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW,
my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin',
ain't it?"
I LOVE MUSTARD(This is a true story.)
If you have children
you will probably relate to this father.
As ham
sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh
bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet
mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to
the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our
six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham
sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love
mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not
mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and
only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on
my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so
hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that
mustard..."Poupon.'"
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she
calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him,
"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill
on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
Oh, by the way, don't
worry about my Doberman, he won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT,
under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives
at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and
meanest looking Doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly
bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin:
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin,
on Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it
went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can
onlymove as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members."In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest andweakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
moreefficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."
A man
has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he
has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object
sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls
to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a
genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland
Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says
the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to
trust a person from the Inland Revenue"
"What do you
have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were
in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and
platters of delicacies.
"Ok, kid, what's your second
wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my
wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man
finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just
one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After
thinking for a few minutes, the man says:
"I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral
of the story? If the Revenue offers you anything, there's bound to be a
string attached
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off
the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started
running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the
Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught
up to him.
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game
Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks!! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one".
THE NEW ARAFAT POSTAGE STAMP
Arafat wants
a postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructs his people,
stressing that it should be of high International quality.
The stamps
are created, printed, and released.
Arafat is very pleased.
But
within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the
stamp is not sticking, and he became infuriated.
He calls the people
responsible and orders them to investigate the matter. They check the matter out
at several post offices, and they report the problem to Arafat.
The
report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The
problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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