By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
JUDGE CLEARS DOWNEY OF DRUG CHARGES
A California judge has ruled actor
Robert Downey Jr. has successfully completed one year of rehab stemming
from his arrest on drug charges in November 2000. Prosecutors tried to
convince Riverside County Superior Court Judge Randall White to extend
Downey's probation for six more months for additional treatment. White said
he was satis- fied with Downey's progress and declared his
probation period complete. Downey, 37, was sentenced last July to three
years probation after pleading no contest to fel- ony cocaine possession and
a misdemeanor count of being under the influence. Downey had been out of
prison just three months when he was arrested in Palm Springs in 2000, and
he was charged in April 2001 in another drug case that cost him his role in
Fox TV's "Ally McBeal."
KEITH'S 'UNLEASHED' ALBUM UNLEASHED IN STORES
Toby Keith's long-awaited
"Unleashed" album was released Tuesday but not before one of its
controversial songs hit the top of the Billboard country singles chart.
"Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)," made it to No.
1 after the July 4 holiday and has since slipped to No. 2 in 10 weeks on the
chart. The new Charlie Daniels Band album, "Redneck Fiddlin' Man," also
released Tuesday, lives up to its name with songs about Dixie,
barbeque, "Sweet Home Alabama" and Dale Earnhardt. There also are guest
appearances by Garth Brooks and Travis Tritt.
FARM AID SET FOR SEPT. 21
This year's Farm Aid benefit show is slated for
Sept. 21 at Burgettstown, Pa., near Pittsburgh. Founders Willie Nelson,
John Mellencamp, Neil Young and new board member Dave Matthews are scheduled
to perform. Since its incep- tion, Farm Aid has raised $16 million for
organizations in 44 states. Ticket information is not yet available. The
concert will be carried live by Country Music Television.
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS *****************************
Today we bestow
THREE bonehead awards!
Lions and Tigers and morons! Oh
My!
Bonehead award one goes to a woman in Chile, Mario Eugenia Berrios,
as well as the producer's of the Chilean TV show, Chile Tu Day, and
the owner of a Chilean circus.
Ms. Berrios, for a chance to win a car,
accepted the show's challenge to spend three minutes in a circus cage with
two lions and two tigers AND stroke one of the animals. Too bad they didn't
get an agreement from the tigers beforehand; the tiger did not like her
trying to stroke it. She's now recovering at the hospital with serious
injuries to her legs and head from tiger bites. The circus owner has
been arrested for negligence.
Bonehead award two goes to a group
of Salem, Oregon people, two of whom were arrested for reckless endangerment,
on their way to a barbecue, according to police who said they found 12 people
crammed into the car, four of them being children who were placed
together inside the trunk because they ran out of room in the car.
According to the Emergency Room doctor the children could have died from
heat stroke or suffocation.
Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes to a
Gainesville, Florida, car thief who was caught during his attempt to steal a
car because he couldn't figure out how to unlock the car doors from the
inside of the car he was trying to steal and so remained trapped until police
arrived.
And what says Alachua County sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Keith
Faulk?
He said that he's never seen anything this dumb in his 19 years of
law enforcement. "Maybe needs a new line of work. He's not very good
at what he's doing now."
You know
that new home I bought the other day? Well, guess what? I ran into one the
previous occupants.
A man, checking through the house he recently bought
to see what repairs would be needed, opened a closet door and found the body
of a woman wrapped in a blanket, just after he commented to his friend,
"it smells like something died up here."
A
Korean man sent form letters to 250 randomly selected Korean corporate
executives claiming to have evidence of their adulterous behavior and
threatening to go public with his evidence unless they sent him a million
won. 9 executives sent him the money before his arrest for
extortion.
The executives who paid said they did so, not because they
were having affairs, but to prevent bad publicity.
FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK
FILES ****************************************************
While
driving the speed limit in an unmarked patrol car between towns in far West
Texas I was passed by a motorist. Not only was he speeding but he was
reading a book while he was driving. He said he was reading the book because
he was bored and forgot to pay attention to how fast he was
driving.
West Texas Deputy Sheriff
--> Are you in law
enforcement? Do you have any excuses we'd love to hear about? Send them
to: DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
Let me know how you want the
entry credited to you, if at
all.
********************************************************** FROM
"MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS"
FILES **********************************************************
My
ex-husband was SOOOO bad that on our first anniversary, he gave me a cheap
electric can opener. That was at the end of November. Then, for our very
first Christmas together, just one month later, he gave me a card with an IOU
in it for a Guinea Pig. That's not QUITE as bad as it sounds, as I LOVE the
little things and DID want one. But later, when I mislaid the IOU, he
REFUSED to cash in! "sorry dear, if you don't have the IOU, then I don't owe
it to you anymore."
--> Did your beau give you a gift we
should all know about? Send me an Email to
Clueless@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
*************************************************** FROM
THE "LOOK WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH"
FILES ***************************************************
When I was a
shop supervisor at the Naval Submarine Base in Kings Bay, Ga., I had a sailor
one night who, using a government computer, plugged into a government phone
line, and logged onto an non-secured chat room. This in itself is a
felony.
To make matters worse, he proceeded to talk to his division
officer for two hours, printed it all out, then logged onto a porn
site, downloaded a bunch of porn, copied it onto a floppy, then left
the floppy and all the paper with the conversations on it right at
his desk, where I found it the next morning.
When we checked, we
determined that he had violated at least 7 federal laws, each carrying a
maximum penalty of 10 years in prison and a $20,000
fine!
-->Who do you put up with? We want to know. Write
to: WhatIPutUpWith@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
AN ELDERLY, widowed client of the attorney I work for became engaged to a
widower. On their wedding day, the two came in to have new wills drawn up.
At the conclusion of their appointment, the inner-office door opened and I
heard the woman say, "I never thought I'd get married again, but it got
awfully lonely after my second cat died."
-- Contributed to Reader's
Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Linda L. Paddock
Have a
good joke to share? mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke
I WAS GOING AWAY for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For
fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot. After I
returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When
I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.
"What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"
My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but
just never finished."
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These
United States" by Joan Nowak
Doctors say men run the risk of injuring themselves when they take off a
woman's bra.
A report in a medical journal says one patient suffered
major ligament damage and a fracture to one of his fingers while
completing the task. The man ended up with his finger in a splint for
three weeks after pick- ing up the injury.
It also says surveys
show 40% of men in their 30s and 40s have prob- lems removing bras.
It
adds a recent test found men spent an average of 27 seconds taking them off
using both hands.
The article, which will be in the August issue of the
British Journal of Plas- tic Surgery, says right-handed men using their
left hand took an average of 58 seconds, while one unfortunate volunteer
took 20 minutes!
THE OLD GENTLEMAN WITH THE STRING BAG
I often saw him as I walked
down the avenue to town. He was such a dear old gentleman. I liked his
well-fitting tweed suit and the jaunty angle of his hat. I liked his shining
silver hair and the proud way he carried himself. His eyes were blue and
twinkly and his cheeks were rosy and clean shaven.
He often took nuts
from his pocket to reward the squirrels when they ran to him and sat up with
supplicating paws. Sometimes he would turn, look up at Table Mountain and
smile as if greeting an old friend and occasionally he would stop before the
old mag- nolia tree which stands near the entrance to the "Gardens" and
gently stroke the bark as if to thank it for being there.
I would
never have noticed him at first if he had not been carrying a string bag. I
hate the things! They sag and droop and the more you put into them the
longer they get - until they almost touch the ground, and they swing about
and can trip you up if you are not careful.
I had seen lots of string
bags in my time but never such an awful specimen as this one. It was a
garish yellow, quite obvious home- made - and badly at that ,as the mesh was
uneven. Some of the holes were so large I could not imagine why the old man
would think the bag could hold anything safe in it, and the handles were
odd and of different thickness.
I would have been ashamed to carry a
bag like that and I could not think why the old man did not hide the ugly
thing in his pocket. But he strode along swinging it from his hand as
if it were a cher- ished, silver-topped Malacca cane. If he ever noticed the
amused glances of the passers-by, he gave no sign.
I began to wait
for him on my daily walk, and somehow the day was not quite the same if I
did not see him striding ahead of me, dangling that awful string bag and
turning to greet the mountain or patting the trunk of the old magnolia
tree.
I used to speculate upon the origin of that yellow horror. Had he
made it himself or had a loved grandchild laboriously crocheted it as a
surprise gift? Was he a widower who had to shop for him- self, and if so why
on earth did his family buy him a bag like that? Why not a decent
shopping bag? But perhaps he had no family. He did not look poor. Surely
he could have found a bag more in keeping with his appearance instead of
that ridiculous-looking yellow thing?
Then later I found myself
thinking furiously, "He does not look ridiculous! He is a lovely old
gentleman and if he wants to carry a funny string bag, why shouldn't he?"
And I would glare at any- one I saw casting amused glances in his
direction.
One day I had an idea. I would buy a neat black string bag and
keep it in my pocket until I could find a way of making his
acquain- tance, after which I would give it to him and we laugh gaily as I
threw his old one into the litter-basket. Then we would walk off
together and I would ask him to tell me why he stroked the bark of the
old magnolia, and then we would go our separate ways, happy in the knowledge
that we were friends.
In one of the stores I found what I was looking for
- a beautifully- made, black string bag. I bought it and carried if with me
every day, awaiting my chance to speak to the old gentleman. Late one
afternoon, as I entered the almost deserted avenue, I saw him ahead of
me, walking slowly. The string bag, filled to bursting point, was nearly
touching the ground. His eyes were fixed upon the mountain and he was quite
oblivious of the trail of red toma- toes escaping from one of the gaping
holes in the bag.
"This is it!" I told myself exultantly and I hurried
after him gather- ing up the tomatoes as I ran, calling him to stop. He
turned and looked at me in astonishment as I came towards him, my cupped
hands full of tomatoes, the squashed ones dripping seeded pulp over my
best gloves. Then he glanced down at his bag and his blue eyes twinkled with
amusement as he took in the situation.
"Dear me, and I never noticed, "
he said. "There was I gazing up at the mountain while my poor tomatoes were
dropping to the ground! But oh, just look at your gloves!" All concern now,
he hurried me to a nearby seat trying to take tomatoes, hold onto the
string bag and wipe my gloves with his handkerchief all at the same time. It
was so absurd that we burst out laughing, then, as I took his bag and tried
to find a safer place to bestow his fruit, he remarked, "I wonder how much
of my shopping I should have lost if you had not so fortunately been behind
me."
"You need another bag," I answered gaily. "This thing is a
per- fect horror."
He inspected it gravely and then said, "Magnolia -
my wife - used...used to make those. She knitted and crocheted the most
beautiful things." He seemed to sense the query in my eyes. "She had
an accident and was in hospital for along time. She fretted because she
could not knit or crochet and then one day her nurse suggested that she
should try, as therapy, to make a string bag for me as I was always dropping
the parcels to her.
"She brightened up after that and when I was able
to take her home, she proudly gave me this bag. 'Nurse said I made it
beau- tifully. Do you think so?' she asked. 'It is the loveliest bag you
have ever made,' I told her, and I meant it because of the love and
faith which went into its making.'"
The old gentleman rose, gathered up
the yellow string bag and looked up to the mountain. "You see, the accident
left her blind." Then he raised his hat and walked away. It was growing
dark and the leaves of the oak trees sighed and rustled as a tiny breeze
crept through them. I shivered a little. There was a litter- basket beside
me, and into it dropped a mean little crumpled black
ball.
Have a Moving Moment to share? Send it
to mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=MOMENT
I think this boy is from the Tennessee hill country... A Letter Home From
a New Recruit at Boot Camp
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you
are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old
Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are
filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some
things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in
warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef,
ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer
you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food
plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt.
says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to
tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The
country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher.
He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will
kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.
And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got
to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your
own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer
to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come
stampeding in.
Your loving son,
Zeb
P.S. Speaking of
shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys
shoot craps, but not very good.
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting
social satire daily or weekly...
An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
Following are a few excerpts from the Shagmail.com employee
handbook...
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to
work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days
a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION
DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help
but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.
"Well Frank,"
said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get
in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see
exactly what the problem is."
After using your garden tools, such as shovels, in a bucket of sand mixed
with vegetable oil. The sand will have enough abrasion to clean them off and
the oil will prevent them from rusting...Use about 2 cups of vegetable oil in
one bucket of sand. Use more or less depending on the amount or size you
need...
How can you thank a man for giving you what's already yours? How then can you
thank him for giving you only part of what is yours? --Malcolm X
Reality is the cage of those who lack imagination. --JBS Haldane, English
Geneticist
DENVER GOOD SAMARITAN DIES Some time ago an avowed skinhead shot a black man
on a Denver street in what police described as a "hate crime-thrill
killing." A young woman named Jeannie VanVelkinburgh saw what had happened
and raced to help the man. She was shot and nearly killed by the gunman
after he realized that she might be able to identify him. The incident
gained international media attention ... a Good Samaritan trying to help a
wounded immigrant from West Africa and nearly being killed herself.
VanVelkinburg did not die, but the nerve injuries she sustained left her
in constant pain and partially paralyzed ... for the past four and half
years. Now Jeannie VanVelkinburgh's pain is over. She has, according to
the Denver Post, apparently ended it all, taking her own life in an overdose
of drugs. The publication says that in an interview conducted with her
just last week, she described her constant pain, saying she wanted
desperately to work and be a part of society, but was too traumatized to
leave home. She was only 41. Police say they found an empty pill
bottle next to her bed.
SNL'S JIMMY FALLON TO HOST MTV VIDEO AWARDS
"Saturday Night Live" player
Jimmy Fallon has been tapped to host MTV's 19th annual Video Music Awards
show on Aug. 29. Fallon, who co-anchors the show's "Weekend
Update" newscasts with Tina Fey, joins Dan Ackroyd, Dennis Miller, Chris
Rock, Dana Carvey and Eddie Murphy as SNL vets host- ing the awards program.
Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band are expected to headline the show,
which was hosted by Jamie Foxx last year.
INGREDIENTS: 2
pounds lean turkey sausage 2 cups dry red wine 1 tablespoon fennel
seeds 2 cups beer 1 onion, thinly sliced 2 pounds smoked turkey
sausage 1/3 cup honey 1/2 cup orange juice
DIRECTIONS: Pierce
the lean turkey sausage casings in several places with the tines of a fork.
Place in a bowl with the red wine and fennel. Let it sit in the refrigerator
for at least 4-6 hours. After marinating: place the wine, fennel and
sausage in a saute pan. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to medium-high and
cook until most of the wine is absorbed by the sausages, about 20- 30
minutes. Remove from heat and let cool. Pierce the casings of the smoked
turkey sausage in several places with the tines of a fork. Place the
sausage in a saute pan. Add the beer and the thinly sliced onion. Bring to
a boil, reduce heat to medium-high and cook until most of the beer is
absorbed and the onions are very soft, approximately 20 minutes. Remove from
heat and set sausages aside. Discard the onions. Turn broiler on high. Place
the smoked sausage on a foil-lined broiler pan. Blend the honey and the
orange juice together and brush liberally on the smoked sausages. Broil on
one side until crispy, about one minute. Repeat on the other side. Remove
from the heat and allow to cool. Refrigerate until 1/2 hour before
serving. (allow 1/2 hur out of the fridge before serving to get to room
temperature). To serve, slice each sausage link into 3-4 thick slices. Dip in
the mustard of your choice.
Making your own ice,
particularly for larger events, is just not worth it. While tap water might
be free, you can't put a price on the time and hassles of freezing enough
for fifty drinkers. Quantity of ice varies, but the general ratio is one
pound of ice per person. This number includes ice for chilling wines and
other beverages. If you're going to buy too much of anything..... buy too
much ice.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
The times on this one are 200 seconds for 28K modem,
119 seconds for 56k modem & 55 seconds for cable/dsl
