By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
OFFICE HUMOR HUMS VIA E-MAIL When the job stress gets too much to handle,
many workers reach for a little corporate humor to brighten their day
-- and the 21st century way to do it is through an e-mail joke. One of the
newest and most irreverent offerings of workplace humor on the Web is
passitaroundatwork.com, a free site launched by AmericanGreetings.com.
Charlie Fink of AmericanGreetings.com, says e-mail humor is replacing
the three-martini lunch of the '80s and the Friday flu of the '90s as a
coping strategy. "Poking fun at the corporate culture offers a healthy way to
let off steam and foster camaraderie," he said.
DISNEY PAYS MINERS $1.5 MILLION FOR STORY RIGHTS
Disney has shelled out
$1.5 million for book and TV rights to the nine men who were rescued from a
flooded Pennsylvania coal mine. Disney-owned ABC begins work immediately on
the made-for-TV feature to be aired next season while Hyperion Publishing,
also a Disney company, takes over book rights. The miners -- who have become
known as the Quecreek Nine -- agreed to work together rather than sell their
stories sep- arately. The miners reportedly received more than 120
offers for their story rights.
ELVIS RESORT IN THE WORKS?
A developer says he's trying to buy the
155-acre Elvis Presley Ranch just down the road from Graceland and turn it
into an Elvis-inspired resort. J.D. Stacy of Atlanta said he envisions a
place where fans could gather for conventions, do the things Elvis did and
spend their honeymoon -- just like the King and Priscilla did. Stacy wants
to buy the ranch in Horn Lake, Miss., from supermarket tycoon William Floyd
McLemore and purchase 650 adjacent acres to develop the resort. Elvis
Presley Enterprises and the King's daughter, Lisa Marie, say not so fast
-- they're not about to issue a license. But Stacy says his plan does not
infringe on the Elvis trade- mark. Stacy says he's throwing a kickoff party
for the project next week and plans to serve an Elvis favorite -- fried
peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
1. Answer the door naked and
carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend to be the slowest
talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity
lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean
by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun
placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and
leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha
& Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to
resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will
definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or
wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly
reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal,
obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the
police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick
an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and
giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing,
why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say
"beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in
their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress,
the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I
see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If
they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly
leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell
them that your God can beat up their God
Rules for Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats
will not be fed anything, except dry cat food. 3. Stray cats will not be fed
anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. 4.
Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. 5. Stray
cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence. 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up
and cuddled unnecessarily. 7. Stray cats that are petted, played
with, picked up or cuddled will absolutely not be given a
name. 8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed
inside the house at any time. 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the
house, except at certain times. 10. Stray cats will not be allowed
inside the house, except on days ending in "y". 11. Stray cats
allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their
claws on the furniture. 12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on
or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. 13. Stray cats will
be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99
sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches. 14. Stray
cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand. 15. Stray cats will
answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic
tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter. 16. Stray cats will answer the
call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy
screen and plenty of head room. 17. Stray cats will sleep
outside. 18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. 19. Stray cats will
sleep in the house. 20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with
an old blanket. 21. Stray cats will sleep in the special
KittyKomfortBed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow. 22. Stray
cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. 23. Stray cats will not be
allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. 24. Stray cats
will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. 25.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers,
except at the foot. 26. Stray cats will not play on the desk. 27. Stray
cats will not play on the desk, near the computer. 28. Stray cats are
forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the
human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyy-kmm4hb USING IT.
The first thing you want to always make sure is that there is a flea problem.
An easy way to do this is to wear white flannel socks or booties. Walk
through the area that you suspect has fleas. Look at the socks and see if
they are on it after walking through the area...
Vacuum carpets
thoroughly. Pay special attention to the baseboards. Vacuum furniture,
cushions, and any other place your pet spends time. After vacuuming, remove
the bag and throw it either in the outside garbage can, or put it in a
plastic bag and freeze it before throwing it away. Freezing any item you
suspect has felas will kill the fleas. Vacuum every day if you can to get on
top of the problem...
Bathe your pet in a flea killing product. Make sure
it is one that not only kills fleas, but the eggs also.
Wash all of
the bedding where the pet sleeps or has slept. Advantage or Frontline are vet
approved products that inhibit fleas. Check with a pet supply store or your
vet.
Inexpensive talcum powder sprinkled on your pet will keep the
problem under control
A North Carolina man has survived being struck by lightning for the fourth
time.
Mac Stinkstone says the soles of his shoes burned off and his
watch melted during the latest strike. He was working on his truck at
his home when he was hit.
Mr. Stinkstone says he doesn't know why he
keeps being hit by lightning.
"I've got the worst luck anybody can
possibly have, "he said.
Scientists say there's about a one-in-600,000
chance of being struck by lightning.
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block
in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence,
the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying:
"We make
the best violins in Italy."
The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put
a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the
world."
Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop
saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
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A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get
on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by
nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode
Island too."
"Golf has more rules than any other game,
because golf has more cheaters than any other game. -- Bruce Lansky
------------------------------------
"On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers
admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied." -- Bruce Lansky
------------------------------------
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off
anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser." -- Arnold Palmer
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as
though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some
crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture
from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted
some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of
black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And
please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned
and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was
back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced.
"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
from:
Bob
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