By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?"
--Jean Cocteau, (1889-1963) The French poet, writer,
artist, and film maker.
Patient: Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat. Doctor: Go in the next
room and disrobe, please. Patient: But doctor, it's just my throat!
Doctor: Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next room
and disrobe.
So the man goes into the next room where he sees another
man sitting down in his shorts with a box in his lap.
As the first
man is getting undressed he starts up a conver- sation, "Can you imagine that
doctor? I've got a sore throat and he tells me to undress!"
The
second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here to
deliver a package."
George W. Bush was campaigning for re-election at a old age retirement home.
He approached a woman, shook her hand and inquired, "Do you know who I
am?" "No," replied the old woman, "But if you go to the front desk,
they'll tell you!"
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said
unhappily, "Mom, do you realise some poor dumb beast suffered so you could
have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you
talk about your father like that!"
For the record, I like #7 the best on this next one & yes I believe it's possible (LOL)
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking
across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second
engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." So the first engineer
said he took the bike . The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take
Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an
engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
What is the difference between
Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take
Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with
an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take
Six
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
An architect, an artist
and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the
wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building
a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The
engineer said, "I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and
a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending
Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a
frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of
his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I
don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog...that's cool."
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BUT DID IT TEACH HIM A LESSON? In Lajitas,
Texas, the talk is all about what happened to Mayor Clay Henry III -- who was
elected mayor in 2000 but didn't make news again until this summer, when one
of the town folk allegedly castrated him. Officials say the mayor is doing
fine now, and Jim Bob Hargrove faces trial in connection with the assault.
The charge would be animal cruelty -- since Henry is a goat. Yep, in Lajitas
they have a modern tradition of electing goats as mayor. It's okay,
because the office is strictly ceremonial. Henry and his immediate
predecessors -- Clay Henry I and Clay Henry Jr. -- are best known for their
ability to drink all the free beer the town can provide them.
Actually, that's where the trouble allegedly started. According to ABC
News, Hargrove set upon Clay III in a fit of jealousy, because the animal
was drinking beer on a Sunday --when local blue laws prevented the sale of
alcohol to Hargrove and other humans. Eyewitnesses told police Hargrove
muttered: "You know I ought to go castrate that goat." Brewster County
Sheriff Ronny Dodson said the goat was found the next morning missing the
family jewels. Local ranchers sutured the wounds and Henry made a full
recovery. He is expected to serve out the remainder of his
term.
FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK
FILES ****************************************************
Many years
ago I was employed as a correction officer at the Jefferson County Jail in
Louisville, Ky. The Corrections Department was charged with the
responsibility for conducting Breathalyzer tests on person charged with drunk
driving.
As you can well imagine, over the course of time I had occasion
to hear some real doozies of excuses for not giving a breath sample,
but the classic of all time happened when the police brought in a
subject (obviously well-pickled) who nonetheless cooperated fully during
the preliminary interview and physical tests. Then the moment of
truth came when I asked him to blow into the machine.
"Officer," said
the subject, "I'd love to blow into yer machine there, I truly would. But I
just had an operation to have my lungs removed."
I kid you
not!
--> Are you in law enforcement? Do you have any excuses
we'd love to hear about? Send them to:
DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
Let me know how you want the entry
credited to you, if at all.
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS"
FILES **********************************************************
Three
years ago, on my birthday, my (then) fiancé gave me a bear with a watch
around its neck. I took off the watch and found that it was a used watch. He
admitted that it was a watch he had purchased for his ex wife! I never wore
it and he eventually bought me a new watch for the following
Christmas...(complete with price tag still intact). His second mistake? He
bought me a $55 watch, but the one he bought his wife was a $250!!! Needless
to say.... that citizen watch is for sale on ebay right now!!! And that guy
is LONG GONE!
--> Did your beau give you a gift we should
all know about? Send me an Email to Clueless@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
Sliced fruit will not turn brown and will look fresher if you place the
slices in a bowl of cool water that has 2 vitamin C tablets dissolved in the
bowl of water.
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline
counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her
luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to
Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm
sorry, we can't do that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say
that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to
get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up
and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
I walked
over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said,
"Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I
married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to
attend classes.
At the first session, the minister conducting the class
said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I
replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"
Yup, I know this feeling, DON'T I Susan !
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the
grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice
little home in the middle of the property."
"I mean," he continued,
"What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in
town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real
grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any
infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have
stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you
up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a
divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
FCC CHANGES DIGITAL DEADLINE A lot of TV stations don't want to go digital.
Doing so, for some, means it will take more power to reach the
same audience. In several major cities, when the initial paperwork and
engineering were done to see if there would any difference in the "pattern"
of digital signals compared with the current analog system of transmission,
it was found that some TV stations would actually lose part of their
over-the-air audience. Additionally, many makers of TV sets have been slow to
get moving because they realize that consumers will be faced with higher
price tags, just at a time when sets are becoming more affordable and
things are going "wide screen." In light of all of this, the Federal
Communications Commission has issued a new directive -- distributed to
national media -- essentially telling the television makers to "get the
lead out" and proceed with the changeover. The new ruling, released Thursday,
means that companies will have to start producing digital receiving sets,
full tilt, by 2007.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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