By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The
guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red
jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his
face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even
five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully
in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit
irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do
for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to
drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of
Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to
the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no
matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of
the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window,
and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just
what do YOU want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights
out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what
I really mean is "Shut the f&%k up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a
few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back
of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT Classic
If your sergeant can see you, so can the
enemy.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
Incoming fire
always has the right of way.
What can be seen can be hit, what can be hit
can be killed.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a
firefight.
Friendly fire -- isn't.
Recoilless rifles --
aren't.
Suppressive fires -- don't.
Interchangeable parts --
aren't.
The best way is never the easy way.
The easy way is always
mined.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
There is
no such thing as a perfect plan.
Sniper's motto: "Reach out and touch
someone."
Sniper's philosophy: "If you run, you'll only die
tired."
You are not Superman (Marines and fighter pilots take
note).
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are
dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a.
when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for
them.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
The buddy
system is essential to your survival -- it gives the enemy someone else to
shoot at.
Never share a fighting position with anyone braver than
yourself.
Anything you do can get you shot, including doing
nothing.
If you can't remember, then the Claymore is pointed at
you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring is the main
attack.
If your advance is going really well, you are walking into an
ambush.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the
enemy.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
If at first
you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
When in doubt, empty your
magazine.
No matter which way you have to march, it's always
uphill.
Tracers work both ways.
The bursting radius of a hand
grenade is always one foot greater than the distance you can
jump.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest
bidder.
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
Peace
is our profession -- mass murder's just a hobby.
If you can keep your
head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged
the situation.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind
you.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake
(close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full
of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be
seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger
then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The
man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had
a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and
approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked
the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes
and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of
dynamite. Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a
Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" The stranger calmly lit the stick
of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or
fish?"
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered
his pizza.
"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the
other guys said if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing
great."
"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five
dollars."
"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college
fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the
man.
Jason replied, "Applied psychology."
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His/Her Driving Directions
HER DIRECTIONS: 80....(SF)....just
after the weight station near cordelia(i think) will be an exit for
14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you
end up in fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think
it is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil
2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the bridge thing....then
when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to death vally....you'll
be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a
blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to
go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till yousee a
buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a
stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln
...well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you
will hit old bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow
it down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...
HIS
DIRECTIONS:
80 West Exit 14 Exit 121 (Left at Light) Exit 116
(Veer right) RT Lincoln Road RT Old bluewood RT Myrtle RT
Lancster RT Lassen St
Save your marriage...
It clearly hasn't worked out for me, but you may
fare better if you follow the Guys' Secret Checklist for a
Happy Relationship/Marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman
who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman
who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman
who likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women
never meet.
A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives. The reporter
approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell
the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex." The confused artist
said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said.
"But if I die before my husband, I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I
want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he
went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If
he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
When I was a medical student my 'Firm' was about to start our psychiatry
rotation. On the first day we turned up on the Psychiatric ward a bit
worried about how we may find it, having heard rumours as you do. We were
quite relieved when the Registrar, Dr Smith, introduced himself and took us
into the teaching room to tell us about all the patients on the ward; he
did a good job. Unfortunately our fears returned after 1/2 hour when the
proper registrar arrived and introduced us to *Dr Smith* who was
infact one of the patients himself..
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a
department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s
dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s
dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks
several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the
m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore
him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was
waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer
that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think
I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet
that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The
man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a
cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a
minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A
centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay, I'll
try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to
the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks
into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have
been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances
sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the
centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks
into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned
and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The
man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the
centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The
centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes
later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the
man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door,
opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the
door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45
minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"
The centipede
says, "I'm going, I'm going, I'm just putting on my shoes!"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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