By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I'm writing this on Friday because I know I'm
going to be too exhausted from sheer joy after this weekend. You see,
Saturday is/was our company picnic. And although I don't drink, I know I'm
going to be wiped out from all the fun and festivities that my wonderful
coworkers have planned. In addition to enjoying their company on a fine
summer day, I am doubly blessed because they are all bringing their children!
Oh joy!
Why it was only last year that one of the little cuties
came up to me as I was sweating over the fiery grill, and said, "This food
sucks."
I looked at the little guy a bit surprised. "What?" I
asked hoping I had misunderstood.
"I said 'this food sucks. That grill
sucks, and you suck.'"
A little while later that poor little guy
accidentally fell in the muddy lake and had to go home. I really missed his
energy and exuberance after he left.
I also look forward to spending
time talking to my coworkers' spouses. They are such interesting people! It's
great to actually see what kind of people they are intimate with. They make
such good choices! One year, this lady's husband actually pretended to be
an ape for the kids. He shouted and swung from the trees until he fell, broke
his ankle and had to be rushed to the emergency room.
Yeah, another
company picnic. I can't wait.
Obligatorily,
TZ
Edited by David 1, This was the opening to
one of the ezines I subscribe to so I can get stuff for ya'll ta read.
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day.
Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more
than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order
to learn more about them.
As to not waste too much time, he asked the
pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale. The pharmacist replied, "Why
yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied, "I'll take
three."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the
total came to one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said, "Wait a minute,
what's the six cents for? I thought you told me they were three for a
dollar."
The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them."
Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."
INGREDIENTS: 2 lbs ground beef 2 packages taco seasoning mix 16
ounces cheddar cheese, shredded 1 red onion, chopped 1 yellow onion,
chopped 2 heads iceberg lettuce, chopped 4 tomatoes, chopped 2
avocados, chopped 2 green peppers, chopped 1 can black olives,
chopped 1 large bag of Doritos nacho chips, crumbled 1 8-ounce bottle
Catalina salad dressing
DIRECTIONS: Brown ground beef with chopped
yellow onion. Add 1 package of taco seasoning and water according to package
directions. Set aside to cool completely. In a large bowl mix
together chopped lettuce, tomato, cheese, alvacado, red onion,
peppers, olives, and 2nd package of taco seasoning. Add cooled
beef mixture. Just before serving toss with the dressing and the last step
is to mix in 3/4 of the package of crushed Doritos, leaving the rest on the
side for people who want extra. (they get soggy if you do them too
early.)
When you make large bowls of potato salad or any
other kind of salad that has to be kept cold, here's a neat tip. Take a
small SEALABLE tupperware type bowl (cereal bowl size) fill it with water,
seal and freeze. Now put it in the bottom of bowl you are going to serve the
potato salad in. Then pile potato salad on top and it will keep the salad
cold and safe to eat. You can also set the salad bowl into a larger bowl
that will contain ice. The result is a nicely chilled salad.
Hey Owen, Is this what you think ? ?
A Sunday school teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the
devil?"
"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus.
I think it's my daddy."
I know I've done a varition of this one
before but it deserves repeting. David 1
I know it's a bit long, but it's pretty good.
One evening a grandson was
talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his
grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer
age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me
think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen
foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no
radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not
invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the
clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on
the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then
lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I
called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called
policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' We were before gay-rights,
computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers and group therapy. Our lives
were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We
were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up
and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a
privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast
food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant
getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their
front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time
the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing
condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs,
electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the
Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't
ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If
you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making
out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut,
McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of. We had five & dime stores
where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones,
phone calls, rides on a streetcar and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you
didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps
to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
$600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a
gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was
your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's
office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware
store, and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last
generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation
gap.....
And how old do you think this grandmother is?
She is only
58 years old.
If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself
knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up
again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good. --Thomas J.
Watson
MOM'S BROWNIES
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt
1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr.
"No, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from
Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away
from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches
sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs,
2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from
oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone
away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call
operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1
tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of
refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25
minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that
you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while
there's still time, and he's still able to run
away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1
oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear
out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away-- far away.
Answer the door
and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out
of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup
milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a
garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven.
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting
social satire daily or weekly...
An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!
7 Wonders Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of students
were asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the
World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most
votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand
Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St.
Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes,
the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So
she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The girl
replied,"Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were
so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe
we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, I think the Seven Wonders
of the World are:
1. to see 2. to taste 3. to touch 4. to
hear She hesitated a little, and then added,
5. to feel 6. to
laugh 7. and to love
The room was so full of silence you could
have heard a pin drop.
Those things we overlook as simple and
"ordinary" are truly wondrous. A gentle reminder this year that the most
precious things in life cannot be bought.
GOLDEN AGERS SELL DRUGS FOR FOOD An elderly couple living in Ft. Collins,
Colo., had to make a decision. Eat ... or go without food, because of
their meager Social Security income. The answer, according to court
records, was to sell their prescription morphine to a friend who had nearly
broken her ankle. The couple, one 69 the other 60, is charged with selling
the drug, on at least three occasions, to a 45-year-old friend.
The friend died from a combination of morphine and alcohol in her system.
At the time of her death, health epidemiologists wondered how the woman had
gotten hold of morphine. They discovered it had been sold to her by the
couple. Now Mr. and Mrs. William Cooley are charged with
criminally negligent homicide in connection with the woman's death.
STAR GAZERS GEAR UP FOR METEOR SHOWER Many observatories around the country
are offering special viewing to patrons through the end of the annual
meteor shower. For example, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that the
Fremont Peak Observatory in California's Fremont Peak State Park (between
Hollister and Salinas) is opening its gates in the coming days for nightly
viewing of what should be a spectacular event. As many as a
meteor-a-minute may be visible, even to the naked eye. This year
the annual encounter with floating space dust will be a better show
because of the fact that the moon is at "low ebb" and there will not be
moonlight to overpower the show, as has been the case in past years. Look
toward the darkest parts of the sky for the best effect. Check your
local observatory or sky-watching club for more information. Or go to
this NASA Web site: neo.jpl.nasa.gov, without using the "www" at the
start.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE - Tuesday, August 13, 2002
LIBRA (Sept. 23 -Oct. 23) Today the family pulls together and you find
problems drop- ping like flies as you solve them quickly so you can get
on with the real business---making money.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov.
21) Computer problems may have thrown you behind and you spend much time
catching up. Today all your people skills are in place and activated as you
deal with employees and their problems as related to their work.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -Dec. 21) Best not to take all the credit
and that way you will not be taking all the blame. Sometimes running the show
is not what it is cracked up to be. Especially when the show starts to
have problems.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 19) You can expect
insincere gestures of friendliness today. Your partner may make you feel
jealous and unloved. Rather than making a scene, communicate quietly
about the way you feel.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) Think
twice before you say something you might regret later. Someone important may
be watching you from afar. Do not trust others with important information.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) Heart to heart talks will clear up vague
issues. You can work in conjunction with those in the know in order to get
to the bottom of any pending issue. You can convince anyone of anything.
------------------------------------------------------------
These interpretations are based on the aspects and positions of the
planets in relation to each Sun-sign. They are intended to indicate the
general mood and issues of the day as you experience them. Be creative in
applying your forecast to the actual circumstances of your life. ---
Vernon Dalhart recorded "The
Prisoner's Song," country music's first million seller, 1924.
Ernest
Tubb recorded "A Woman Has Wrecked Many A Good Man," 1947.
Dan
Fogelberg born in Peoria, Ill., 1951.
Joe Tex (born Joseph Arrington
Jr.) died of a heart attack in Navasota, Texas, 1982.
Willie Nelson: Ready to Run?
Willie Nelson hosts the Farm Aid 10K run in
Austin, Texas, on Aug. 25. The race starts at 8 a.m. at Auditorium
Shores. Local country singers Cory Morrow and Kevin Fowler take the stage
at noon. At 6 p.m., Nelson performs a two-hour set, followed by a free,
exclusive premiere of the PBS documentary, Willie Nelson: Still is Still
Moving. Visit www.willies10k.com for
prices.
Adkins to Host Honky-Tonk Documentary
CMT will debut a new documentary,
Honky-Tonk Sound, on Friday (Aug. 16) at 8 p.m. ET/PT. Trace Adkins will
host the two-hour special, which includes performance clips from Willie
Nelson and Merle Haggard, among many others traditionalists. The documentary
also visits three of Texas’s most celebrated honky-tonk bars -- The
Broken Spoke in Austin, Gruene Hall in Gruene, and Billy Bob’s in Fort
Worth -- as well as The Cowboy Palace in Southern California.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE - Wednesday, August 14, 2002
ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20) A financial matter should be resolved today and
the results will be just what you wanted. Your friendships could bring you
some unexpected benefits before the day is over.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-
may 20) Today should be very productive on the job for you as you put
forth new ideas with enthusiasms and logic. Later on in the day you may be
met with open opposition from some- one who has been in competition with you.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You should be hearing good news from
someone close. A teenager or a child is showing some positive
improvements in the academic arena and this gives you a feeling
of happiness that hangs in there all day.
CANCER ( June 22-July
22) You come up with a lucky break today where your job is concerned; just
when you thought everything was lost providence steps in and takes a stand.
Tonights dreams will be extremely entertaining.
LEO (July 23-Aug
22) Take a loved one out to dinner, you will both benefit. Your career is
right on the money today. Remember though, you do not have to reinvent the
wheel, sometimes the easy way really is the best way.
VIRGO (Aug.
23 -Sept. 22) Financing is easy for you to come by today, so take
some time to get that chore in hand. This is a fine day for getting
organized and planning the completion of your project.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 -Oct. 23) Tonight may bring a change of plans in you
pleasure pursuits but you will find that it is for something even better.
If a lover or a spouse seems preoccupied today it would be best to let them
alone until he or she is ready to confide in you.
SCORPIO (Oct.
24 - Nov. 21) You may be fighting a bad mood today but you will be able to
keep it out of sight so it does not show at work. Your problems with a loved
one should be over soon, thus alleviating your blue mood.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22 -Dec. 21) Life just got better when you hear that a certain
person is back in town. A friend who turns you on to a proposi- tion may
not realize that it is worthless, and may even give you the hard sell, do
both of you a favor and check it out thoroughly before you leap into it.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 19) Curb any jealous fits if your
partner has been flirting with someone else. You can't lock your partner up
and if you keep restricting their freedom you may be left out in the cold.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You will have to be careful not to
let others find out about your intentions. Don't let someone try to
bully you into doing things their way. Use your head and do things to your
liking.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) You manage to make it through a
very hectic day and find the spouse has planned some quiet entertainment for
the evening and you are ready to relax. While your finances are looking
up, you will find some unexpected expenses.
------------------------------------------------------------
These interpretations are based on the aspects and positions of the
planets in relation to each Sun-sign. They are intended to indicate the
general mood and issues of the day as you experience them. Be creative in
applying your forecast to the actual circumstances of your life. ---
An Italian and a
Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the
inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Italian was heard to say,
"I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried
the news item: "Jewish Ventriloquist Found Murdered in Blind
Alley"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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