By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
SHORT MESSAGES MAY REVEAL THE FUTURE The kind of short messages young
children "input" into portable computers and cell phone-like devices may tell
us a lot about their personality and futures. According to research
carried out for the Woolworth company, the type and content of even the
shortest messages can tell a lot about a person. The surveyors looked at four
kinds of message writers: Creative, jugglers, controllers
and facilitators. Researchers found that the use of abbreviations, upper
and lower case and the choice of ringing tones on cell phones were all clues
to adult behavior in later years. One psychologist, in helping to compile
the report, noted that such individual preferences are as distinctive as
handwriting. Additionally, more and more teens are using abbreviations and
codes rather than words and are losing the ability to construct long
sentences. The art of using capital and lower case letters, and the
understanding and use of parenthetical expressions in ellipses -- such as
this one, set off by dashes and with an internal comma for better
understanding -- are becoming foreign to many young people ... which may
signal the end to written language as we know it, and the creation of a
new "shorthand."
ELVIS HAS NOT LEFT THE BUILDING
With the approach of the 25th death
anniversary of Elvis Presley, more and more tributes are being planned.
This will be a huge anniversary year for Memphis and the folks at
Graceland, with a massive all-night parade and music festival planned.
Meanwhile, a new generation of fans has been introduced to the King's music
in the animated Disney feature "Lilo & Stitch." Just a few months ago,
Elvis rock- eted to the top of European music charts via a remix of one of
his old songs "A Little Less Conversation" -- a song that bombed initially in
this country. This month RCA is set to release a remastered collection of 30
of Elvis's No. 1 hits. That European mix of "Conversation" will be added as a
bonus. Additionally, promoters of the Memphis event have used film of a
1970s live performance by Presley, taken out all the sound except for his
singing, and will ask a group of former associates to provide the back-up
with Elvis's image project- ed behind them. Could be interesting.
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are
getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do
you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"
Abe says, "Do I
care?"
A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my
Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
Abe says, "Who cares?"
A few more
minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear
diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the
baguettes?"
Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but
if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at
McDonalds.
A resourceful missionary fell into the hands of a band of cannibals. "Going
to eat me, I take it ," said the missionary. "You wouldn't like
me."
He took out his pocketknife, sliced a piece from the calf of his
leg, and handed it to the chief. "Try it and see for yourself," he
urged.
The chief took one bite, grunted and spat. The missionary
remained on the island fifty years.
He had a cork leg.
HOMEMADE PIZZA DOUGH RECIPE:
Makes three hearty pizza crusts. This dough
can also be used to make calzones or can be frozen for later use. Freeze
any dough just after dividing. This cam be later thawed at
room temperature, then it is ready to use.
INGREDIENTS: 1 packet
active dry yeast 1 tablespoon white sugar 2 1/2 cups warm water (110
degrees) 2 tablespoons olive oil 1 tablespoon salt 1/2 cup whole wheat
flour 5 1/2 cups bread flour
DIRECTIONS: In a large mixing bowl,
dissolve yeast and sugar in the warm water. Let sit until creamy; about 10
minutes. Stir the olive oil, whole wheat flour, salt and 4 cups of the bread
flour into the yeast mixture. Mix in the remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a
time, stirring well after each addition. When the dough has
pulled together, turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and
knead until smooth and elastic, about 8 minutes. Lightly oil a
large mixing bowl, place the dough in the bowl and turn to coat with oil.
Cover with a damp cloth and put in a warm place to rise until doubled in
volume; about 1 hour. Deflate the dough and turn it out onto a lightly
floured surface. Divide the dough into three equal pieces and form into
rounds. Cover the rounds and let them rest for about 10 minutes. Preheat oven
to 425 degrees. Use a rolling pin to roll the dough into the
desired shape, cover it with your favorite toppings and bake at
425 degrees for about 20 minutes or until the crust and cheese are golden
brown.
Makes 3 pizza crusts
A Pennsylvania woman will stand trial this week on charges she stabbed her
husband in the chest -- and then tried to hide the assault. Local emergency
dispatchers say they heard Linda Glenn concoct a tale after she called them
for help when she forgot to turn off her cell phone. The Dispatchers say
they listened as Glenn told her husband she was afraid she'd go to jail for
murder if he died. The couple is then heard discussing a story to cover up
the crime...
Deimos-Space, a Spanish company, is designing a mission that will attempt to
deal with the problem of rogue asteroids colliding with the Earth. The plan
involves a pair of probe spacecrafts -- called Hidalgo and Sancho --
constructed to nudge an asteroid out of its current earth-ramming orbit
through the force of impact.
FINALLY... The broker for Martha Stewart claims his assistant passed
insider information to her, without his knowledge. Peter Bacanovic, who
works for Merrill Lynch, also believes that the assistant, Douglas Faneuil,
fabricated claims that he passed on the information under his chief's orders
to spare himself from possible charges...
BECAUSE I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was
concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So I
attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was
bright orange and had small flashing lights. The first morning I
wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped. I ran to catch up
with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road
sign."
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United
States" by Jim Manookin
A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a
cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most
gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall,
muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green
eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman
could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the
woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and
whispered in her ear. "I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft
voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever
fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..." Trembling with
anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to
tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The women gazed
into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her
handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin,
folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand.
She
leaned over and whispered into his ear... "Clean... my... house."
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Once upon a time there was a stork family, papa stork, mama stork and baby
stork.
One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and
baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all
that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby
stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a
young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama
stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and
then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the
next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork,
where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy,"
replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for
dinner.
Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased
when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late
for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning.
His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the
hell were you, baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over
the threshold.
"Out scaring the hell out of college students," replied
baby stork.
A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to thinking.
He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway. I told him
right off he was crazy. He was a city type--you could tell by his
clothes, his car, his hands and the way he talked. He said he was
driving by and saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass and
wanted to know if it was for sale.
I told him he had a funny
idea of beauty. Sure, it was a handsome build- ing in its day. But then,
there's been a lot of winters pass with their snow and ice and howling
wind. The summer sun's beat down on that old barn 'til all the paint's gone,
and the wood has turned silver gray. Now the old building leans a good deal,
looking kind of tired. Yet, that fellow called it beautiful.
That
set me to thinking. I walked out to the field and just stood there,
gaz- ing at that old barn. The stranger said he planned to use the lumber
to line the walls of his den in a new country home he's building down
the road. He said you couldn't get paint that beautiful. Only years of
standing in the weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun; only that
can prod- uce beautiful barn wood.
It came to me then. We're a
lot like that, you and I. It's only on the inside that the beauty grows
with us. Sure, we turn silver gray too... and lean a bit more than we
did when we were young and full of sap. But the Good Lord knows what He's
doing. And as the years pass He's busy using the hard wealth of our lives,
the dry spells and the stormy seasons, to do a job of beautifying our
souls that nothing else can produce. And to think how often folks holler
because they want life easy!
They took the old barn down today and
hauled it away to beautify a rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and
I'll be hauled off to Heaven to take on whatever chores the Good Lord
has for us on the Great Sky Ranch. And I suspect we'll be more beautiful
then for the seasons we've been through here, and just maybe we'll even add
a bit of beauty to our Father's house.
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after
dinner ... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast,
because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2.
Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything,
including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the
earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap
scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off
... to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6.
Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't
eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked,
of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least
half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE
stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10.
Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack
in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the
rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at
least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
On some air bases, the military is on one side of the
field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower
responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does
it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If you
are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If you are an Air
Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6
bells.
If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 3.
If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's
Thursday afternoon.
If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple
of hours until quitting time."
Have a good joke to
share? mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water
fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns,
glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was
endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar.
Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to
fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he
thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old
gag!"
It was then that he realized we'd removed the drainpipe
be- neath the sink.
When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the
printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50
for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's
manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor,
the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage
business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."
Before using any of these formulas, you will want to test it on an
inconspicuous spot to make sure it doesn't affect the color or pile of the
carpet...
Stain remover #1
Mix 1/2 cup of white vinegar with 1 1/2
cups of lukewarm water. Squeeze the mixture on the spot and let stand for
2 to 3 minutes. Blot up with a clean, damp cloth, Repeat until the stain
is gone...
Stain Remover #2
Mix 1 teaspoon of mild detergent into
a cup of lukewarm water. Squeeze the mixture on the spot and gently
dab with a damp cloth or sponge. Squeeze clean water on the area and blot
up with a clean, dry cloth...
Stain Remover #3
Mix 1 tablespoon of
ammonia into 3/4 cup of water. Apply to the spot and work in with a spatula.
Rinse with clean water and blot thoroughly. Be careful with this one, it
can harm the pile if left too long and not blotted up well.
I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it
didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because
of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights
began flickering.
I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take
care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had
solved the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across
the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do,
please don't ask about the engines."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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