By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Postal Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to this year's
Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you have been able to find
yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're well on your way to
becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the
US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your
friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: An
early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for
work [See the attached file] Flextime which enables you to decide when you
don't want to work at work and when you don't what to work away from
work. [See the attached file] Free use of government stationery and
the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs. I must at this
stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from a
neighbor's paper will be automatically assigned to the Letters to Santa Claus
Division. OK, now we're ready to begin: MATHEMATICS Please answer the
following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer Sheet.
1. If
you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30:pm, how long have
you had for lunch? -- ~ The answer, of course, is half an hour. 2.
If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long
would it take two postal employees to process the same form? -- ~ The
answer is, of course, four hours. For those of you who failed the Mathematics
test, don't worry -- you may still be eligible to become a tax policy
adviser. MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break
and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should
address her by saying: a. May I help you, Madam? b. May I help
you, Miss? c. What can I do you for, baby? d. How's tricks,
doll-face? ~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick
question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to
her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a
complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you
should say: a. We are aggressively looking into the matter. b. Can
I get back to you on this one? c. The matters have been referred to
another committee d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet. ~
Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should tell
them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING: Spell the
following words: a. Coffee b. Flu c. Lunch break d. Vacation This
is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the front,
and welcome to the United States Post Office!
Little Johnny Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny had
been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started
a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the
refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black
and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get
worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The
psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery
of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything
seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued.
Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks
and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the
problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist
decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe
what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh,
Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones
left in mine are black and brown!"
Sale Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the day of the big
sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were
the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30,
the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the
front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful
curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw,
& knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line
again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end
of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening
the store!"
Wedding Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The child was a
typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When
she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her
father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images
would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception,
etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said,
"is that when mommy came to work for us?"
This natural blonde had just come back from her first football game. A
friend asked her, "How did you like it?"
Blondie replied,
"Terrible. They were all lined up and ready to play when some smart aleck
came up, kicked the ball, and then they all fought over it the rest of the
afternoon."
An immigration officer stopped a truck filled with illegal aliens and asked
if anyone spoke English. When they all said no, he told them he was going to
shoot them all, starting with the ones with brown shoes. As he drew his
pistol, three men stepped forward and took the role of translator for the
group.
Construction Compensation----------------- OMAHA, Neb. - A local bank decided
to fix its ATM machine to spit out extra cash on occasion in efforts to
better the moods of its customers. Apparently the road construction was so
bad that the people of the community were complaining constantly. The
bank is calling it a "road warrior" promotion. No date has been set for the
end of the promotion.
KEEPING THAT 'SMALL TOWN' FEELING There are few things worse than going from
an "intimate" grade school, where everyone knows everyone else, to
a huge, impersonal high school. Colleges are supposed to be the land of
anonymity, not high schools. Well, in the Phoenix area, school officials are
working on a program that is attempting to return a "small town feel" to
large high schools. The Arizona Republic says that large high schools --
many have upwards of 2,500 students -- will be structured to be "homes
within homes." Upperclassmen are being encouraged to get to know the incoming
freshmen students and to act as mentors. One school administrator tells
the publication that since the massacre of students at Columbine (near
Denver) things are different. Schools are trying to again get to know
students as people, not just enrollment numbers.
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MINE SAFETY RULES RETHOUGHT IN KENTUCKY The recent rescue of those nine
trapped miners in Pennsylvania has again brought mining safety into focus.
In Kentucky, for example, an agreement on new below-ground safety rules
seems to be in the offing. Discussions have been proceeding between mining
companies and unions representing miners for some time -- well before the
recent mine accident. But now, according to the Louisville
Courier-Journal, it would appear that some kind of agreement between the
two sides is about to be reached. Among the proposed provisions of new
Kentucky rules: The authority to revoke a company's license because of
repeated violations. The setting up of minimum fines where none now
exist. The imposing of automatic fines for some offenses. A state
legislative committee will hold meetings this week on the proposals.
THAT'S NOT A FILET, IT'S A FUNGUS A meat substitute, introduced into this
country this year, is being grilled by several national health
watchdog groups. Among those criticizing the development of the product --
called Quorn -- is the Center for Science in the Public Interest. On the
group's Web site, it blasts the product, noting that it's been making people
sick. The organization claims that it's found numerous instances of people
suffering from nausea, vomiting and diarrhea from eating Quorn. Meanwhile
the group is petitioning the government to enact a quick recall of the meat
substitute. The think tank calls the product "the new Olestra," a
reference to the fat substitute that it says causes intestinal and digestive
problems. Most Quorn-made products are kinds of chicken
patties. Essentially, the CSPI claims that the nauseating nuggets are a
fungus.
Wagoner, Carlisle Tapped for Hall of Fame
Longtime Grand Ole Opry members
Porter Wagoner and Bill Carlisle received surprise word Saturday night (Aug.
10) of their upcoming induction into the Country Music Hall of Fame. When
the Dixie Chicks concluded their appearance on the Opry, Martie Maguire
called Wagoner and Carlisle onstage to tell them the news. Wagoner, 75, and
Carlisle, 93, will be inducted at the CMA Awards show on Nov. 6.
Oh,
please make me a Frisbee! Poof! You're a Frisbee
Ed Headrick, the
father of the modern Frisbee died at the age of 78. His dying wish is to have
his ashes molded into memorial Frisbees to be given to a select few family
and friends.
FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK
FILES ****************************************************
(I
witnessed this 'event'!)
Two friends and I were sitting in the outside
area of bar & grill when a police car pulled a two-door car over right in
front of the place. Both officers get out and we hear the cop closest to us
say something about "They gotta be drunk!"
The first cop approaches
the car on the driver's side, the other cop on the passenger side. The first
cop orders all the occupants out; there were 5 people inside. The second cop
walks past the passenger door and waits. The front passenger gets out, then
the back seat three.
Then, the driver crawls over the console and out
the passenger door. The driver is eyeing the first cop and nudges the second
cop with his elbow -- without looking at who is behind him -- and with a
drunken lisp says "Jesh tell'em you wuz drivin'. I'm WAY too
drunk!"
All five were hauled off. We called a
cab...
--> Are you in law enforcement? Do you have
any excuses we'd love to hear about? Send them to:
DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com
Let me know how you want the entry
credited to you, if at all.
HOROSCOPES FOR YOUR JOB POSITION...
1) MARKETING: You are ambitious yet
stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in
college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty
much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with
Sales.
2) SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to
as "marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and paranoid.
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even
YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is
written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING: One of only
two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of
all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself;
your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we
all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome".
5) ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority
of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually
the first to be incarcerated.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given
your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest
gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does
less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because
you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7)
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless,
you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry
other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle
Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign,
different title.
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride
from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for
a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to
play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific
knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of
experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in
demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any
other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an
eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever
taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER": As a "person" that
profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people
who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to
alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with
fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You
are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as
the fax machine suggest the latter.
Get rid of "ring around the collar" with today's tip
Ring around the collar is caused by oil, dirt and grime that gathers around
the neck. Shampoo is made to remove body oils and will work on an item that
is made from those same body oils. Apply your regular shampoo to the neck
area of the garment, gently scrub, then launder as usual.
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain
the second time around. ---Herb Caen
What happens to
born-again Christians who experience deja vu? ---Lewis
In the end it is worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of
heresy. --Learned Hand, American Judge
DRESS FOR SUCCESS STILL WORKS A new survey of employers shows that far too
many people are showing up for job interviews looking a mess. Paula Rath,
writing in the Honolulu Advertiser, says that if the world were perfect,
prospective employers would overlook the visual aspects of applicants and
concentrate on the person's ability to do the job. But this is not a
perfect world. She suggests that the first key to doing well in an
interview is to be clean and neat ... both yourself and your clothing. Many
people forget that the personal habits they have adopted -- which may be the
way all their friends behave -- might not cut it in the workplace. The
use of foul language can be very troublesome. Many people are not aware of
how "vulgar" their speech is. And bosses of all kinds can be sensitive
to that. In Henderson, Nev., for example, there's a towing and impound
lot where the boss insists that clean language be the norm of the day in the
office ... not only among the employees but among visitors. And one other
thing. And this may really seem two-faced. If jeans are part of the
accepted dress code at a job site where you are going for an interview,
don't wear jeans ... until you're hired -- unless you're looking for a job
with Levi Strauss.
FORD TO HEIGHTEN QUALITY CHECKS You don't have to know karate to get a "black
belt" at Ford Motors. The company says that it's training high-level
quality control inspectors who will be able to troubleshoot possible
problems during every assembly stage at all of the company's plants. For
example, the Louisville Courier-Journal says that at the company's Kentucky
assembly plant has drawn from its pool of long-time employees to recruit
"foot soldiers in the war on defects." Each of the workers is given a special
rating, similar to a "color" in the pecking order of karate experts. One such
employee is Steve Drake, part of the company's new "squeak and rattle
team." He's been on the assembly line at Ford for 30 years. Now,
identified with a special insignia on his shirt, Drake is on call to try to
fix any problems that may suddenly crop up in his area of expertise. By the
way, Drake was the man whom Ford assigned to a difficult task ... finding
the source of a pesky rattle in the left front fender area of the new Ford
Explorer.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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