By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says,
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married
35 years."
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone
in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself
for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments
over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor
walked in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and
down carefully.
"Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that
until today you have never had an eye exam."
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of
your loudest screams?"
Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a
thing!"
Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting
room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock foot- ball
game."
One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of
the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the
book he wished to purchase.
The young clerk looked at the price posted
on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."
The gentleman
began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the
correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized
that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted
on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.
Franklin stopped his work,
walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of
this book?"
Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."
The
gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a
dollar."
Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it
was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."
FROM HERE TO MATERNITY -- OH HOW WE CHANGE.
BIRTHDAYS: First
baby: Tuesday, January 26, 1956, 7:34 a.m. Second baby: July 28,
daytime. Third baby: the year the grocery store burned down.
NAMED AFTER: First baby: grandmother and paternal aunt for political
reasons Second baby: Daddy Third baby: Daddy's boss
GODPARENTS: First baby: Bernard Ryan and Joy Smith Second baby:
Martha Dunn and either uncle Fred or Fred the Barber Third baby:
relatives
FORMULA: First baby: fortified prepared infant
formula w/ 1.25 water Second baby: heated cow's milk poured from a
carton. Third baby: cold milk, Cokes, and Kool-Aid
BOTTLES: First baby: boiled 10 minutes, removed with tongs and
rubber gloves. Second baby: boiled five minutes, removed with
beer can opener Third baby: rinsed in cold water and dried on
apron
HANDLING: First baby: right hand behind head, left
under knee, clutch baby close to body Second baby: place hands
under armpits and lift Third baby: one arm around stomach
LENGTH AND WEIGHT AT ONE YEAR: First baby: 15 pounds, 14 1/2 ounces; 26
1/4 inches Second baby: 16 or 17 pounds, same height as vertical knob on
TV set. Third baby: Heavier than a bowling ball.
Short.
SANITATION: First baby: rubber gloves, face mask,
scrub floors weekly, mosquito net Second baby: use air freshener
weekly, swat all flies Third baby: keep the dog out of the
playpen
BABY RECORDS: First baby: detailed in gold embossed
book Second baby: written on back of old envelopes Third baby:
ask grandma
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month
of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your
daughter marry?"
"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her
sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on
taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's nice," said the woman.
"What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed.
"His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes
them eat take-out meals!"
"John, I can see that all your buttons are sewed on perfectly. You must be
married!"
"That's right. Sewing on buttons was the first thing my wife
taught me on our honeymoon."
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the
boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then
replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm
proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To
be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the
money she had."
SMALLPOX SHOTS ADVISED FOR HEALTH WORKERS
A government advisory panel,
meeting in Atlanta, says that some half a million American hospital workers
and health providers should be vaccinated for smallpox. The panel, made
up of volunteers, said that an average of 100 workers in every U.S.
hospital should get the shots. The group did not indicate how quickly such a
program could get underway, though. The Atlanta Journal and Constitution
says that the final decision would have to be made at the highest level --
at the White House. There have been long-standing concerns about the
avail- ability of smallpox vaccine for the general population should a
terrorist cause an epidemic in this country. Now it is thought that health
workers -- the people who would have to deal with such an outbreak -- should
be ready, prepared by vaccinations ... just in case.
MANY STUDENTS LACKING IN MATH SKILLS
A new survey, just conducted in
Illinois, shows that fewer than 60 percent of students tested in that state
have the math skills necessary to tackle a vast array of jobs. The testing
looked at public school juniors in the Prairie State and noted that the
exact level of those who were proficient was around 58 percent. In minority
schools the numbers are even worse. For example, the Chicago Sun-Times is
reporting that the numbers show that less than a quarter of black juniors
and slightly more than a third of Hispanic students in that grade had enough
math skills to be hired for 90 percent of the jobs that are open
currently in Illinois. The overall math proficiency skill level is down
by some three percent in just a few years. The test used looked at the math
skills needed to perform up to job expec- tations at seven separate levels of
employment.
It was not the smartest thing that a 13-year-old Colorado hunter could have
done, sitting on a high-powered rifle that his dad had left on a camping
cot. But, according to the Denver Post, that's exactly what the Fort Lupton,
Colo., student did this week. His father had been hunting with a large group
of people. When he returned to the campsite he placed the rifle -- he
thought for a short time -- on the camp bed. Enter his son. The boy sat on
the rifle. Wanting to retrieve the weapon so the boy would not be hurt, the
man pulled it out from underneath his son. But, as he did so, the man's hand
accidentally engaged the trigger and the gun went off ... while the boy was
still partially sitting on it. Although the accident wasn't fatal and
doctors managed to repair the boy's backside, the injury certainly could
have been worse had the bullets struck higher on the boy's body. Police,
after reporting the incident to the media, noted that hunters have to always
think of their weapons as if they are loaded. Quite often they are and are
discharged with tragic consequences.
RICHARD HARRIS BATTLING CANCER
Film legend Richard Harris, seen most
recently as Professor Dumbledore in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"
and Emperor Marcus Aurelius in "Gladiator," is reportedly bat- tling
cancer. The New York Daily News reports the 72-year- old, Irish-born actor is
undergoing chemotherapy for Hodgkin's disease at a private clinic in London.
Harris, who starred in "Camelot," "The Man Called Horse" and "The Guns of
the Navarone," was admitted to University College Hospital in August,
suffering from a chest infection, the News reports. A stand-in was required
to complete some scenes in his new film, "Harry Potter and the Chamber
of Secrets," which opens in the United States Nov. 15. It still is unclear
whether he will be well enough to start shooting "Harry Potter and the
Prisoner of Azkaban" this January.
Ring Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young bride and groom
to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain
platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she
asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to
take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of
the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times
a day."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again. Finally she spoke up,
"Grandpa, did God make
you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes
indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while
ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he??"
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for
a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old
priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see," "yes," "go on," "I
understand," and "how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those
things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a
little better than saying, "Whoa... What happened next?"
HOLIDAY STRESSES
1. Lower your expectations - Stop reading magazines
that suggest you can do it all this holiday! Read shampoo instructions
instead, they don't put so much pressure on you. "Lather, Rinse,
Repeat." You can do that!
2. Get help. You don't have to do this alone
- call your friends, call your relatives, call the people in your fear of
gingerbread men group. Anyone who can make your life simpler and more fun
during the holidays.
3. If crowds of shoppers cause your blood
pressure to boil, shop by catalog or shop where there are fewer people, such
as garage sales, small boutiques, and your periodontist. Wouldn't your Aunt
Gus just love some bubble gum flavored floss?
4. Wear a funny button
while shopping. "I know why Rudolph's nose is red!" "Touched by an angel, I'm
not saying where." "Give me chocolate and no one gets hurt!"
5. Don't
buy gifts for people you don't like. Anyone STILL RUNNING for US president,
O.J. Simpson, take them off your list now!
6. Negotiate agreements about
holiday traditions. If half the family wants to open gifts 12/24 and the
other 12/25, agree to open them at another time, like Pet Your Dog
Day.
7. Since you always revert to being a child during the holidays,
go ahead and sit at the children's table. Then when you throw your food
and no one will be surprised
8. Admit that your family get togethers are
less like a Norman Rockwell picture and more like a Stephen King Novel. As
long as there's not a chalk outline under the mistletoe, consider yourself
blessed.
9. Don't watch movies with unrealistic premises, such as It's
a Wonderful Life; instead watch movies that will cheer you up. You might
pick your favorites from the American Film Institute's Top 100 Comedies of
the Century. Who says Young Frankenstein isn't appropriate holiday
fare?
10. If you don't have loved ones to be with, get together with
friends or co-workers and do fun things like caroling or getting holiday
tattoos.
11. In order to prevent post-holiday stress, spend less now.
Send funny cards instead of gifts. Start a Humor Buddy Program, where
making someone laugh is your gift. Cut down on other unnecessary
expenses such as bikini waxing.
12. Start your holiday preparations
early. Like when you're still in kindergarten!
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and
support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing
department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their
keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The
Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball
Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support
Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one
game."
IT'S WEIRD! Fried Twinkies are sweeping Arkansas. Phil Dickson of
Hot Springs has sold about 1,000 of the batter-dipped, deep-fried goodies
topped with powdered sugar since the Arkansas State Fair opened Friday. Each
Twinkie, at 160 calories and five grams of fat a pop, is impaled on a
stick and frozen until firm, then dipped in a batter similar to that used
to fry fish...
... The heart bypass booth next door is doing stellar
business...
An Indiana man has built a cannon to fire a pumpkin a mile.
Jerry
Brimstone's invention has a 30 foot barrel and is powered by a 700 gallon
air tank. It's named "Ain't All There".
During a demonstration in
Ellettsville, Indiana the 49-year-old electrician and mechanic said, "You
don't need to cover your ears, but you're going to know I shot
it."
When Mr. Brimstone fires the cannon, a 10 pound pumpkin is hit with
11,300 pounds of force. He says the pumpkin projectile leaves the muzzle
at about 900 mph.
Brimstone plans to take the two ton pumpkin cannon to
the first annual Pumpkin Propulsion Contest at Verizon Wireless Music Center
near Noblesville, on Sunday.
The contest is sponsored by Indianapolis
radio station WRZX-FM.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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A college student in a philosophy class was taking his
first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply
said:- "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote
:- "If that is a question, then this is an answer"
The student
received an "A" in the class
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to donate a dollar to help out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This mailing is, and will always be, free!
But, you can help us out with a donation, as small as a dollar!
You can donate by Paypal.
Our Paypal address is susan@suescornerweb.com
Click here for the Paypal page
& here it is written if you need to feed it to your browser:
Http://www.paypal.com
& yes I'm begging, but if nothing comes in, You'll
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