By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher
decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said,
showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see,"
said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what
do you use for bait?"
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives,
one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so
upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked
her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least
another fifteen pounds first."
Warning Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the "CycleAware"
helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind
you."
On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do
not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."
On a car lock
which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning -
Remove lock before driving."
In the instructions for a Korean kitchen
knife: "Keep out of children."
On a packet of juggling balls: "This
product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for
children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
*** TWENTY NEW MANAGEMENT STYLES ***
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER
THEN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the
corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as
they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT
OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to
you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts
keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S Some
managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by
continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY
DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the
secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY
KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let
YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of
irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people
try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The
idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always
have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING
INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly
secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at
all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING
EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative
thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE
FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups
walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the
lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING
NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and
also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11)
MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of
studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they
learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY
CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big
arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their
overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a
major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can
really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these
managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind
of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same
information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY
HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless
infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally
prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA
MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is
ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication
)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your
head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY
REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they
reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual
educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY
FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority
of that promise is to low to remember.
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that
their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware
there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The
next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the
stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he
said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
-Contributed
to Readers' Digest "All In a Day's Work"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the
truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker
ignores her again and continues down the street.
When the light turns
green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this
time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He
knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is
Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?
-------------------------------
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing
things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things
TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
------------------------------
What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect
house? 6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.
from: Bob
The most comprehensive humor archive. 100's of Jokes,
1000's of JPG's/GIF's, Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big
brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real
slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know; His look and
his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of Black
November;
"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get
six meals instead of just three, "And soon you'll be thick, where once you
were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin; "And then
one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and
hack off your head; "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald
'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the
sink; "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread
your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his
words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of
meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay
low and remain overlooked; I began a new diet of nuts and
granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate
pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda
tapes; I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to
notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my
breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And
sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in
the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I
haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap; She held me today, while sewing and
humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."
Reindeer Games
From Santa,
Hi, kids! Hope you all had a good
weekend. I know we did up here at the North Pole, because the
first weekend in December is traditionally time when we hold the Reindeer
Games.
Which, not entirely coincidentally, brings us to today's letter
from Peter, from Chicago, who asks:
Dear Santa:
One of the saddest
stories at Christmas is how Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, wasn't allowed
to join in all the reindeer games. Rudolph became a hero, but we
never actually found out what sort of games are reindeer games. What kinds
of games are they?"
Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there
are The Reindeer Games. It's the difference between playing softball in
the park with your buddies, and participating in the Olympics. Anyone can
play reindeer games any time they want (even if you're not really a
reindeer). But it takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be
in the Reindeer Games.
Again like the Olympics, there are a number of
categories in the Reindeer Games, but here are some of the most
popular:
LONG JUMP: Since our reindeer can actually fly, you
can imagine the distances we get on this one.
100 COUNTRY DASH: Each
year, our computers randomly generate a list of 100 countries, and the
reindeer see who can get to all of them first. This year's list of
countries included Micronesia, Gabon, Luxembourg and Fort McMurdo in
Antarctica (not technically a country, but thrown in for the challenge). I
personally like this event, because the reindeer often come back
with souvenirs for Santa!
SLEIGH PULLS: This one, of course, makes
good sense, since that's what the reindeer are actually going to be
doing, come Christmas Eve. This is a team event, with 2-deer, 4-deer, and
the standard 8-deer setup.
SWIMSUIT COMPETITION: Ha! Santa's just pulling
your leg with this one. However, we DO have:
TALENT SHOW: Believe me,
you haven't lived until you see an all-reindeer version of "King Lear." It
just chokes me up every time.
CHIMNEY SLALOM: One of the biggest
problems we have on Christmas is zipping between all those brick chimneys
out there. Each year, we set up a new, randomised course, and the deer
flit through it. It's breathtaking. We also ruin a lot of perfectly good
chimneys.
FIGURE SKATING: Reindeer. Ice Skates. You wouldn't
think that it'd work. But it does!
LONG-DISTANCE PACKAGE DELIVERY:
This is a mixed event, with reindeer and elves. The elf gets in a
single-deer sleigh filled with toys, and the idea is to see how many toys
they can hurl down a chimney from the highest possible altitude. This takes
delicate co-ordination between the elf and the deer: the elf's got have
dead-on aim, and the deer has to keep the sleigh high and steady. The
highest compliment that you can get in this game is when you get a toy
straight down the chimney without hitting the brick: "Nothing But
Log."
SANTA "COMPLIMENTING": The idea here is to make fun of Santa
while making it sound like you're actually complimenting him. I don't know
how this one got started.
KARAOKE: The only problem here is that the only
thing the reindeer want to sing is ABBA.
Well, that's it for today.
Remember to keep those letters and questions coming - I'll be answering a new
question every day! My mail address is SantaClaus@northpole.com
Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was
clear-- that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was
rising; the crime rate was tripling; the fuel bills were up, and our
mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV, where Donny
sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they
should; or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma
with her ball-point was making a fuss 'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd
sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her
fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When
out in the yard came a deafening blare; 'twas our burglar alarm, and I
hollered, "Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the
night, and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some
red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our eight foot
electrified fence; he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no
malice!" Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as
his presence grew clear to me, I saw in the glare that it just might be
he! called off our doberman clawing his sleigh and, frisking him twice,
said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a
chair, and he poured out the following tale of despair; "On Christmas
eves past I was jolly and chuckling, but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I
am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this
year, and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer; although I
would like to continue to use them, the wildlife officials believe I abuse
them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by and told me my
sleigh was unsafe in the sky; I now must wear seatbelts, despite my
objections, and bring in the sleigh twice a year for
inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands, and I
soon had a general strike on my hands; I couldn't afford to pay unionised
elves, so the misses and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later
on, came additional trouble-- an avalanche left my fine workshop in
rubble; my Allstate insurance was worthless, because they had shrewdly
slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S
audit; the government claimed I was out to defraud it; they finally
nailed me for 65 grand, which I paid through the sale of my house and my
land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare flying blind
through the blanket of smog in the air; not to mention the hunters who fill
me with dread, taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My
torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings, I got fighting muggers in
multiple dwellings. And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight, it's
from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he
heaved a great sigh, and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye; "I've
tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, but I fear that today I've
become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his
sleigh, and these last words he spoke as he went on his way; "no longer
can I do the job that's required; if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's
retired!'".
Two women were detained on an Amtrak train
in New Mexico last week when federal agents grew suspicious that the Pooh
bear the pair were carrying was a whopping 85 pounds instead of just a
few pounds for a stuffed bear.
Hidden inside the bear and a gift wrapped
box was $68,000 in cash.
They were both trying to carry the bear as
they got off the train and then dropped it. When they had trouble picking it
back up a federal agent traveling on the same train and getting off behind
the couple knew something was amiss.
As the two women struggled with
their bear the agent quietly radioed for help.
Another agent that
was waiting nearby came over and asked the couple if they needed help. Not
wanting to attract anymore attention they declined and then started
arguing.
The ladies were then detained and questioned. Agents allege
the found money inside Pooh was for drugs but could not prove it so the
couple was released minus the bear and the $68,000 in currency and cash.
A supermarket price war in Ohio has seen the price of gas dip to 14 cents a
gallon.
Supermarket giant Kroger has just opened a new store near one
of competitor Meijer's stores. So Meijer had a "gas sale."
The manager of
the Meijer station says, " More than 1,000 people bought the cheap gas from
her."
"You have to take advantage of it while you can."
"Gas may
never be this cheap again."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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