By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part
of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided
to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the
following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press
1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3
Please
select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request Press 2 for
thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others
I am
sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it
was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak
to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3
To find a
loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social
security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven,
please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16. For answers to nagging
questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you
arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have
already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again
tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious
holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance,
please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly
day.
from: Bob
The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, Sound clips, Video Clips and
PARODY SONGS
Workers at a Romanian clothes factory are to receive their Christmas bonus in
buttons and zippers instead of money.
The 1,000 employees at the Modexim
factory have been told by managers there's not enough funds to pay out
the annual bonuses. Instead, each worker will get two bags filled with
buttons, zippers and a 2 feet of elastic.
One worker, Ian Pavelescu, told
a local newspaper, "It's nice, but we can't fill Christmas dinner plates
with buttons. I don't even think we could sell them on eBay.
Prostitutes are shocked after a Christmas tree donated to a Dutch city's red
light district was stolen by thieves. The tree, decorated with red lights and
baubles, had only been standing for one day before it disappeared.
A
police spokesman commented, "Maybe the thief was an angry client."
But
prostitutes who work in the district said they were shocked.
"Why steal a
Christmas tree? It has no value and to us it made the district look more
charming," one told the paper.
Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. and one Kriss Kringle.
An announcement from Santa:
Dear Good Little Boy or Girl,
I regret
to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, New England and Michigan.
However,
I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch
stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and
a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith
and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave a RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by
floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head
now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on
Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Lamonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by
"Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the
sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will
not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas
songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about
Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.
Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and
Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove
It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Today's tip will keep your drawers and patio doors moving smoothly...
While WD 40 is a great product, on patio doors it isn't a good idea to use
because it attracts dust and dirt which makes the door actually move slower
over time. A different way to make your doors and drawers move smoothly is to
rub the tracks with a candle. This also works for zippers that may get
stuck...
When drying denim jeans, cut down on the amount of energy and drying time by
throwing 2 or 3 dry bath towels in with the jeans. The towels will absorb
some of the moisture from the jeans and cut down the drying time....
Why should we refuse the happiness this hour gives us, because some other
hour might take it away? --John Hobbes
"I remember when I was growing up, a tornado touched down in our
neighborhood, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and demolishing the
house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it, surveyed the
damage, muttered, 'Damn kids,' and closed the door." -Tim Conway
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evapor- ated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the
same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
THE TURING TEST by David Joerg
IN 1950, the British mathematician Alan
M. Turing proposed a simple test to determine whether or not a computer
could think as humans do. In this ingenious exercise, a human
"interrogator" would question a subject in a remote location for five
minutes. Once a computer placed in the remote location were able to fool its
interrogator and pass as human, that computer will have achieved human
sentience. Keep in mind Turing was used to the wooden, stultifying
conversation patterns of British humans.
Turing predicted that by
the year 2000 a computer would exist that could pass his test and pass
itself off as human. Sick of hearing such smug predictions from the deceased
British number-cruncher, we tested Dr. Turing's test on a Dell PowerEdge
6400 with a 100MHz front side bus and 32KB level 1 cache running Microsoft
Windows 2000 Server.
Section I: Easy Questions
MH: Hello. I'm
going to ask you a few simple questions. State your name please.
Dell PowerEdge: Simon III. MH: Your full name? Dell: Max Felix
John Simon III. MH: Where are you from? Dell: I'm from... Belize.
MH: Have any family? Dell: No. MH: What happened to them?
Dell: ...Earthquake. MH: Sorry to hear. What do you do for a living?
Dell: Manufacturing. MH: You mean you work in a factory, or you're a
supervisor? Dell: Yes.
Section II: Psychology
MH: Please
take out the pictures we emailed to you. What does the first one look
like to you? Dell: It looks like an ink splotch. MH: No, look deep
into it, let your imagination run wild. Dell: Two ink splotches. MH:
Deeper, wilder. Dell: Actually, four ink splotches.
MH: Maybe you
don't understand. Look at these pictures, and then tell me what they
remind you of. You know, like a butterfly, or a face. Try the second
one. Dell: Butterfly? MH: Good! Now try the third. Dell:
Butterfly face.
Section III: Psychology Again
MH: Let's play a
little game. I'm going to say a word, and you say the next word that
comes into your mind. Dell: Sounds easy. MH: Okay, here we go. "Dog."
Dell: Any member of a set of species including Canis familiaris
or domesticated... MH: No, no, no. I say a word, then you say what it makes
you think of. Dell: Oh, I get it. Try me again. MH:
Electricity. Dell: Food. MH: "Food"?
Dell: That's what I
thought of. Wouldn't it be cool if elec- tricity were not a dangerous
threat to living tissue, but instead a filling meal? Of course, that's
not the case for humans like us.
Section IV: Nap
Time
MH: Are you a computer? Dell: Nope. MH: You'd be
surprised how many fall for that one. Dell: Not me.
Section V:
Math
MH: What's fifty-six times thirty-three? Dell: One thousand
eight hundred forty-eight. MH: You're pretty fast! Dell: Those are my
favorite numbers. MH: All right, how about five thousand and two divided by
sixty-one? Dell: Eighty-two. MH: Right again! Are you some
sort of math whiz? Dell: Those are... more of my favorite numbers.
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a
thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man
on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when
man and God work together."
"Amen," said the man, "but you should've
seen the place when God was running it alone."
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Christmas cards for his daughter
and mother. The 50 foot display for hundreds of cards astounded
him.
He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything
for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, we do
have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting
Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
FOUR-DAY WEEKS FOR SCHOOLS CONSIDERED
Yet another private
school says it may opt for a four-day week, starting soon. The Pembroke
Pines (Fla.) Charter High School has become the latest school in the United
States to consider what many say is a cost-saving adjustment of the
traditional five-day school week. Published reports say that although the
school has a great deal of autonomy, it is still bound by many state
laws. It could not, for example, arbitrarily eliminate summer school. Under
a proposed plan the school would go to six classes a day, each lasting for
65 minutes. The school now offers a mixture of 100-minute classes and
50-minute classes on a regular five-day-a-week basis. Some teachers have
noted that the 100 minute classes are far too long and it's difficult to
keep students' attention for that length of time, anyway. Many schools across
the nation have opted for four-day-a-week schedules. In bad weather states,
that schedule decreases the costs of school bus operations and heating
buildings.
'MY MOMMIE IS IN THAT BURNING HOUSE!'
Two suburban
Pittsburgh medics got more than they bargained for this week. The pair was
on the way to breakfast at a restaurant when suddenly a group of kids ran
into the street, trying to stop the ambulance. What the rescue workers
dis- covered was a house on fire and the frantic cries of one child:
"Mommie is inside!" In a valiant effort, after calling for back-up help,
the pair rushed two blocks to the burning house. Then, responding to the
urging of the children, ran into the burning building -- even though they
had little fire training. Inside they found not only the mother, but four
other children, an older man and a dog. All were in bad shape, suffering
from smoke inhalation. All were saved ... except for the dog, which
could not be revived. One of the rescue workers told the Pittsburgh
Post-Gazette that the entire process was not the usual thing for him. "It
was life or death," he noted. The fire eventually spread to two surrounding
buildings, caused an estimated $55,000 damage and went to four alarms.
GROUP DEBATES TRACKING OF KIDS
Child welfare agencies in
part of South Carolina are working on a way to more effectively track
children in their care. According to the Salisbury Post newspaper, a special
committee has been set to study whether it would be feasible to set up a
special tracking network to keep tabs on minors being kept in a variety of
foster care, half-way and other facilities. A "blue ribbon panel" has been
drawn from a wide range of social service agencies. At present, as many as
20 students attending the 920-student Salisbury High School are in state
care. One expert notes that it seems that a "disproportionate number of
students from group homes are enrolled in local schools." The publication
says that many feel that the county's social services department should do
the record-keeping paper- work but that the information should not be made
public.
Is Santa is a Man?Woman?
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1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke1joke :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
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******************************************** Santa Is A Man
It is
precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine
if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to
her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox.
Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it
on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge
as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually)
the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females.
We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way
around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder)
That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be
delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get
dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just
try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen.
Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on the cell phone to her
girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy's
house in a single year, let alone a single night.
If Santa was female,
the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get
socks, or ties, or after shave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would
be none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated windfalls that
kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And
training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by
books on improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be
the same.
I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man
(AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer... Dasher, Comet,
Blitzen... If those aren't male names for football players, than I'm an elf.
Santa Claus is a woman....
BECAUSE A MAN COULDN'T MEET THE DEMANDS OF THE
JOB ... I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to
defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas
is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a
tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For
starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might
think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.)
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all
be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's
rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male
Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow andclouds that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa
would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need
to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a
man: *Men can't pack a bag. *Men would rather be dead than caught wearing
red velvet. *Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves. *Men don't answer their mail. *Men would
refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything
remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." *Men aren't interested in
stockings unless somebody's wearing them. *Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing
would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. *Finally, being
responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact
that other mythical holiday characters are men......... Father Time shows up
once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies
around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point
fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
As long as we have
each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of
"The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa
is.
I JUST WISH SHE'D QUIT DRESSING LIKE A GUY!!!!
W H O N E E D S E N E M I E S ? [||||]
To protect its
vulnerable Thursday night grin grid, NBC will pony up $10 mil an epi for
"Friends" next season, the highest price ever paid for a sitcom the net will
take a financial drubbing on. (LAT/12/22)
Toughest negotiations in vid
history. Jennifer Anniston now owns the peacock and Lisa Kudrow's new
downstairs butler is Jay Leno.
[||||] F U M O L O G Y [||||]
Eighties Eight Is Enough
moppet Adam Rich was DUIed after almost crunching an LA Smokey's black and
white parked at a fwy barrier. (LAT/12/20)
For the CHP, his .12
breathalizer test was enough.
[||||] T O N G U E T E R R O R [||||]
"The Walt
Disney Co. is reportedly in talks to acquire Muppets creator Jim Henson Co.,
Inc... " (LAD/12/20)
The sale will finalize as soon as the parties can
figure out how to keep Kermit from eating the cast of "It's a Bug's
Life." _____________________________________________________________ [||||]
F A R M E R I N T H E D O U G H [||||]
E. Joseph
Cossman, inventor of the Ant Farm, passed on at 84 after selling 2,000,000
of the educational toys since 1956. (LAD/12/19)
Second in sales only
to his Mr. Picnic ant trap.
These are perilous times. These are litigious times. We even rely on the
courts to choose our leaders. We wanted to send holiday greetings to all of
our colleagues, friends and supporters, but we recognized the danger,
these days, of putting anything in writing that cannot be defended in
court.
Therefore, we have asked our battery of corporate lawyers to
draft a message for us that will stand up against any legal challenge that
might ensue. It follows:
From us (hereinafter called the "Wishor")
to you hereinafter called the "Wishee"), please accept without obligation,
express or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your
choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a
financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002,
but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or
sects, and having due regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference
of the Wishee.
By accepting this greeting you agree to be bound by
the following terms as applicable:
* This greeting is subject to
further clarification or withdrawal; * This greeting is freely
transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original
greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor
are acknowledged; * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor
to actually implement any of the wishes; * This greeting may not be
enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or all or some of the
restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in
certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
Wishor; * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be
expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one
year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first; * The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the
limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the Wishor; * Any references implied in this greeting to the
a deity, to a mythical figure, or to any other traditionally festive
figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply
any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all
proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby
acknowledged.
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of
the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus
was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw Little
Johnny with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to Little Johnny and said, "Well,
where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
Little Johnny
replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?" asked the
pastor.
Little Johnny said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I
prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red
wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it, and
that's what I'm doing."
"I read in an encyclopedia that the Romans used to celebrate something called
Saturnalia around December 25th. They used to give each other presents,
stuff themselves with food and get totally drunk. Man, I have to laugh at
how primitive they were back then." -- Paul Hancox
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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