Welcome to Sue's Corner Web
The News Letter, 030223-1
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
The times on this one are 214 seconds for 28K modem,
127 seconds for 56k modem & 58 seconds for cable/dsl
Click here for Sue's Corner Web's home page.
Click here for Sue's Corner 2nd stop home page.
Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road
and
the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He
gets out
and carries the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is very grateful
and thanks the man, telling him that he will
grant him a wish. So the man
says, "Please make my dog win his next
race.
The frog looks at the
dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that
the dog has only three
legs. He tells the man that it is almost
impossible to fulfill his wish and
asks that the man make another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please help my
wife will win the next beauty
contest she enters."
The frog asks the
wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the
car and walks over to
the frog. The frog turns to the man and says,
"Could I have another look at
that dog?"
How to Make a Potato
How Airbus bakes a potato:
* Preheat new,
high-quality oven to 350 F
* Insert a 1.0 lb Idaho potato
* Go do
something productive for 45 minutes
* Check for doneness, then remove
perfectly baked pototo from oven and
serve.
How Boeing bakes a
potato:
* Conduct market test with suppliers in Mexico, Brazil, and China
to
supply 0.75 lb potatoes, choose lowest cost supplier
* Change to
incumbent supplier of Idaho potatoes, insist they meet
Chinese pricing with
3% annual price reductions
* Upgrade to 1.0 lb potato, insist supplier
erred by pricing for 0.75
lbs as instructed when he knows Airbus uses 1.0 lb
potatoes
* Instruct potato supplier to preheat the oven to 350 F
*
Demand that the supplier show you how he turned the dial to reach
350 F, and
have him come up with documentation from the oven
manufacturer proving
it
* Review documentation, then have supplier check the temperature
using
a sophisticated temperature probe
* Direct supplier to insert
potato and set timer for 45 minutes
* Have supplier open oven to prove
potato has been installed
correctly, and request a free study proving that 45
minutes is the ideal
time to bake a potato in the over
* Request a Six
Sigma Study showing variable cook times for various
potato sizes and
orientations
* Check potato for doneness after 10 minutes
* Check
potato for doneness after 11 minutes
* Check potato for doneness after 12
minutes
* Become impatient with supplier (why is this simple potato taking
so
long to bake?). Demand status reports every five minutes.
* Conduct
Value Engineering session and new market test
* Change to 0.9 lb potato
because customers will only notice if potato
weight is reduced to 0.85
lb
* Check potato for doneness after 15 minutes.
* After 35 minutes,
conclude that potato is nearing completion. Pass
through Gate review
reporting all Green status.
* Congratulate supplier, then update your boss
on all the great work
you' ve done, despite having to work with such an
uncooperative
supplier.
* Remove potato from oven after 40 minutes of
baking, as a cost save
without loss of function or quality versus the
original 45 minute baking
time.
* Serve potato
* Wonder aloud what
on earth those European folks are doing over there
to make such good,
low-cost baked potatoes that people seem to like
better than yours.
Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour
of the local fire
hall. Before each student could leave,
the fire chief quizzed him.
The
fire chief asked little Little Johnny, "What do you do
if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Little Johnny replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
Dinner on the table
John calls Jill from
work and says he will be home
by 5 PM and hopes that dinner will be on the
table
when he gets there.
He arrives home and enters the kitchen and
sees a
package of pasta, jar of sauce, and can of veget-
ables on the
kitchen table.
"Jill, I specifically called you from work to let
you
know when I would be home. Where is my dinner?"
"Dinner IS on the table,
John. It's just not
prepared."
Taken From:
far_out_funnies
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
fat
cells live forever.
Jesus Christ
A Sunday School teacher of
preschoolers told her
students that she wanted each of them to
have
learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week
she asked each child in turn
what he or she had learned.
Susie said,
"He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out
of
the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck
but
he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where
did you
learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and
this red pickup
truck pulled out in front of us
and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why
don't
you learn how to drive?'"
MOM WINS !!
My son came home from school one day,
A smirk was on
his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.
HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr.
Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
IT SAYS: I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I
don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear
earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read &
watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.
AND if you
ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my
charges,
With the marks on my behind.
HE SAID: Don't you ever touch
me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's
just more child abuse.
HE CONTINUED WITH: Don't preach about your
morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So
you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known
as C.S.D.
MY TURN! Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss
him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a
little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO! Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will
store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants
galore."
I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't
care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.
OH!
And... I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The
C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.
I SAID: No time
to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start
to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging
appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.
He ASKED: Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires
on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch
instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head.
Your
clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That
allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.
I'm
selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the
PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!
Hey, Hot Shot, are
you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help
you?
.....GO CALL THE C.S.D
Share this one with some moms (&
dads) you know....
or better yet some kids!!!
Long Life
--------
When my grandmother was in her late
eighties,
she decided to move to Israel. As part of the
preparations,
she went to see her doctor and
get all her charts. The doctor asked her
how
she was doing, so she gave him the litany of
complaints -- this
hurts, that's stiff, I'm
tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He
responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to
expect things to start
deteriorating. After
all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother
looked him straight in the
eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."
Three Legged Chicken
--------------------
A man was driving along a
rural road one day when
he saw a three legged chicken. He was
amused
enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was
driving he
noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I
wonder just how
fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did
too!
They were now moving along the road at 45
mph! The man in the car sped up
again, to his
surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him
at 60
mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran
down a long
driveway leading to a farmhouse. The
man followed the chicken to the house
and saw a
man in the yard and dozens of three legged
chickens. The man
in the car called out to the
farmer "How did you get all these three
legged
chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's
me,
my wife and my son living here and we all like to
eat the chicken
leg. Since a chicken only has two
legs, I started breeding this three
legged variety so
we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's
amazing!" said the driver "How do they
taste?"
"Don't rightly know,
can't catch 'em."
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir.
>From
time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen
preparing
dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe
would head outside to the
porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter,
Joe?
Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your
singing, but I just want to make
sure the neighbors know I'm not beating
you."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old
Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite.
Very softly he started to cry
until his father noticed him
sobbing.
"What's wrong, little Johnny?"
asked his father.
Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest
said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want
to
stay with YOU guys!"
I could see this conversation happening at my house.
For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at
the Korean Air
counter at Los Angeles International Airport.
As the smiling Korean woman
processed our tickets, my wife
asked, "Are they good seats?"
"They
are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You
will be sitting next
to a handsome gentleman, and your com-
panion will be seated beside a
beautiful lady."
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh
criticism of
being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated.
"When elected, the
people of America will see just how passionate and alive
I
truly am."
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to
whisper,
"Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long
as we
have.....
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the
same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to
get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND
I
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
getting
E-coli.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,
or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We played
with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops
and robbers, and used our
fingers to simulate guns when
the toy ones or my BB gun was not
available.
Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't
work
hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the
same
grade. That generation produced some of the greatest
risk-takers and problem
solvers. We had the freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned how to
deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather
gone swimming in the
lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the
term
cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
a pager
was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent
injury with
a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of
having
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built
in
light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must
have happened
because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than
gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by
running
in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today
if we only knew we could have sued the
school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge
and
stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of
negative
attention for the next two weeks. We must have
had horribly damaged
psyches.
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds
an
abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either
was anyway) but
they did give us a couple of aspirin and
cough syrup if we started getting
the sniffles. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember
school
nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of
myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers,
PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
I
must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize
through the
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as
we trekked off each day about
a mile down the road to
some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and
pieces
of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the
Lone
Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on
that
lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a
fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate
and an infrared intruder
alarm.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization
kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played
king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and
when we got hurt, Mom pulled out
the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then
we got our
butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
followed
by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and
then Mom calls the
attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel
where it was such a
threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house
either because if
we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ...
and
then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
Mom invited
the door to door salesman inside for coffee,
kids choked down the dust from
the gravel driveway while
playing with Tonka trucks(remember why Tonka trucks
were
made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough
berber in
the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded
gas.
Our music had
to be left inside when we went out to play
and I am sure that I nearly
exhausted my imagination a
couple of times when we went on two week
vacations. I
should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put
us
in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were
spent behind the push lawnmower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with
motors until I was
13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or
an
auto-drive; How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't
the only psychos. I recall
Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and
doing his
tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did
his
Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead
she picked him
up and swatted him for being such a goof. It
was a neighborhood run
amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been
told
that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we
possibly
have known that we needed to get into group
therapy and anger management
classes? We were
obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we
didn't
even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How
did we survive?
Hi all,
Just ran out of text stuff, so the rest is pictures.
Hope you enjoy ! !
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to donate a dollar to help out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This mailing is, and will always be, free!
But, you can help us out with a donation, as small as a dollar!
You can donate by Paypal.
& the easiest way is to do that is to Click this box or Our Paypal address is susan@suescornerweb.com
& yes I'm begging, but if nothing comes in, You'll
still get your news letter.
Just because in reality, I like doing it.
thanks, David 1
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
