Welcome to Sue's Corner Web
The News Letter, 030223
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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
How to Prepare for A Hospital Stay
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and
ask the weed man to probe you with his
applicator.
2. Drink a quart of
Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior
Flat White #2. Then have
your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's
'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper
napkin with straws stuck up your
nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage
disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5.
Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which
times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Phillips (squarehead)
screwdriver and stab yourself with a dull knitting
needle.
6. Remove all
actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights
strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Practice urinating into an empty lipstick tube.
A client brought a litter of golden retriever
puppies to my veterinary clinic
for inoculations
and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed
over and
under one another in their box,
I realized it would be difficult to tell
the
treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.
After the
fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled
the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't
know they had to be
baptized, too."
Hey, Bob! You say you're a songwriter?" Andy said.
"I sure am. Why, I've
written songs for Michael
Jackson, Faith Hill, Ricky Martin, Britney
Spears,
and Madonna." Bob said, modestly.
"Wow! Have all those stars sung
your songs?"
"Well, actually, I didn't say they sang any of
them. I just
said I wrote songs for them."
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing,
I raised my hand to give the
final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and
surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered
him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in,
amid the laughter of the
guests.
Little Benny was looking depressed, so his
fourth grade teacher, Miss
Feldman, asked,
"What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not
homework
again..."
"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little
Benny. "I made my
homework paper into a
paper airplane."
"Benny, that wasn't a very bright
thing to
do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll
let you just unfold
the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but it's worse than that..."
replied
Little Benny, looking even sadder. "You see,
the plane was
hijacked!"
The teacher was telling the class about plants
that have the word "dog" in
front of them:
dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.
She asked the class if they
could name another
flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand
and said, "Sure, Miss
Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
My friend and I run a kids' clothing consignment
sale twice a year called
"Duck, Duck, Goose,"
after the popular childrens' game.
One time we
advertised our sale in the local
newspaper, and I checked to make sure
it
appeared on the front page of the classifieds
as we had requested. It
wasn't there.
I started looking through the section, worried
that it
hadn't run at all. Finally I found it
in the "Livestock" listings. It was
placed
beneath the category titled "Poultry."
A boy of six, visiting the country for the
first time, came running to his
mother.
Bubbling over with excitement, he said,
"I just saw a man who
makes horses."
"Are you certain?" his mother asked
"Yup. The
horse was almost done; the man
was just nailing on his back feet!"
A tough case was being argued in court. The
defence attorney, feeling that he
was in
trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred
year old brandy.
The
defendant said to his Attorney. "The
judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe
him!
We're dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him.
"I sent it
in the other lawyer's name!"
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet
rabbit on a
leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she
says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on
another
customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now
there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly
embarrassed.
Fluffy,
wet already, squats in the middle of the room and
urinates.
The woman,
mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be
good?!"
Fluffy then
starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of
the office.
As
the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the
flabbergasted
customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a
thing with it!"
The Vanderbilt were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors
had
come
to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall
Street
wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem
arose - how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story
tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a
chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a
great shock."
Farting Etiquette
It's becoming increasingly clear that there are a lot of men
(and maybe some women, although I've never experienced it) who are unfamiliar
with the etiquette of farting. Most men are repeat offenders when it comes to
such transgressions. I've seen (heard? smelled?) men farting in grocery stores,
in elevators, on the street, etc. It needs to stop.
Here are THE RULES of
farting etiquette for those of you who are still unsure:
1. AMONGST
STRANGERS or IN PUBLIC PLACES
There is no farting allowed. You will hold your
fart in until you locate a public restroom and enter a closed stall. You may not
fart in the main lobby of the restroom.
If you should be suddenly seized
by a painful urge to fart that forces you to lose control of your will regarding
the matter, you must apologize embarrassedly and profusely to all those around
you who might have been offended.
If you should be suddenly seized by a
painful urge to fart that nearly forces you to do so, but not quite, you may try
to get as far away from any people that might be nearby and *try* your best to
squeeze out the minimum amount of air that will buy you time until you can make
it to a rest room.
2. AMONGST CO-WORKERS or CASUAL
ACQUAINTANCES
Again, there is no farting allowed. All the rules of #1 apply,
except more strongly because these are people you will usually have to be with
again. You don't want them to form an unsavory opinion of you. If you fart in
front of one (or more) of them, all but the most open-minded of them will always
see you as Fartman in the future... Especially the women.
3. AMONGST
FRIENDS
You may fart under certain circumstances.
First of all, you must
know your friend's stance on farting in general. For some people there is no
farting allowed in their presence at any time. If you are close enough to this
friend to know that farting is seen more as a humorous thing than a shameful or
repulsive act, then cautious farting is acceptable.
In these
circumstances you must make sure you are well away from your friend, at least as
far away as the length of your sofa, but farther if possible. You must make sure
that the mood is right for farting. Farting can be seen as disrespectful if you
do it while there is a serious or somber air in the room. The mood must be
light-hearted and pleasant. You want to make sure that conditions are favorable
for farting. After you fart, you might want to gauge whether your friend(s) was
offended or amused by your gaseous emission and either respond with an apology
or a joke/laugh.
If you don't know your friend well enough to understand
their full fart belief system, act accordingly with #1 and #2.
4. AMONGST
FAMILY
This all depends on your family. In some families farting is frowned
upon as a filthy and shameful habit. Some families can't even bring themselves
to utter the word "fart". In other families farting is great fun and a source of
many family jokes and much laughter. Only you know for sure which category your
family falls into. Please don't try to shock your dear mother by intentionally
going against family fart policy.
5. AMONGST LOVERS and OTHER INTIMATE
FRIENDS
Usually you may fart while in the presence of your very closest and
intimate friends and lovers. These people love you and will not stop loving you
over some noxious hinal emissions. Usually. There are strict rules for such
farting, however, and these rules can make or break a relationship.
Firstly,
you must never fart while having a serious discussion of any kind. I don't care
if it's a discussion about bills, weekend plans, your sex life, etc. It's
disrespectful to interrupt such conversations with a fart.
You must also
never fart during a moment of tenderness. Sweet talk, billing and cooing,
foreplay, sexual intercourse, etc. must never be marred by a fart. This is a
small rejection of sorts. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can spoil the
mood bigtime.
You must never fart during an argument. If you fart during
an argument, you will lose the argument. During an argument you are no longer
granted "lover" or "intimate friend" status. You must revert back to the rules
for #1 and #2 for the duration of the argument. Your full privileges as
"intimate friend" will usually return after the argument has ended.
You must
never fart with your back facing your friend (unless you are joking and you know
that your friend will find this humorous).
You must never fart as you
walk past your friend. You could have farted in the other room or you could hold
it until you get to your final destination, so why fart right when you pass your
friend? It will seem like you are disregarding your friend's
comfort.
Never fart in the car. This is a most repulsive situation that
will linger far too long and cause much discomfort to any passenger no matter
how close you are.
In order to ensure safe farting practices, discuss
your feelings on the matter with your loved one. Establish your own rules for
farting humor. If you feel you MUST fart due to some unexpected gas pain and you
are in a situation that forbids it, please apologize in advance if possible and
then again after the deed has been done. Explain that you are not feeling well.
Among close friends this should be explanation enough.
FARTING
HUMOR
Some people find farting to be the most humorous thing in the world. If
you are this type of person, please don't assume everyone shares your
sensibilities. Ask questions. Experiment with farting stories before attempting
your own sonic boom. Watch facial expressions. Make sure your fart is actually
humorous. There's nothing funny about a big wet fart that stinks up a small car
for fifteen minutes while your grandmother holds a hanky to her face. Well,
there is... But sometimes it's a tragicomedy.
* "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit"
* "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket
Launcher
* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our
friend.
* If it's stupid, ...but it works, ....it isn't stupid.
*
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs
always hit the ground.
* If the enemy is in range, so are
you.
* It is generally inadvisable to parachute directly over the area
you just bombed.
* Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.
* When in doubt,
empty the magazine.
* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on
ammo.
* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
*
Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Tracers work both ways.
*
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
* Who cares if a laser guided
2000 lb. bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
* Hey stupid...The easy way
is always mined.
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and
don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
* Never share a fox hole with
anyone braver than you.
* Bravery is being the only one who knows you're
afraid.
* Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to
shoot at.
* Push to test... Release to detonate.
* No combat ready
unit has ever passed inspection.
* If it makes it too tough for the enemy
to get in,
guess what?.... you can't get out.
* Any ship can be a
minesweeper... once.
* The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in
war.
* Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
* The
enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
*
Friendly fire. . . isn't.
* When you're short of everything but the
enemy, you're in combat.
* Land mines are equal opportunity
weapons.
* If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your
mission properly.
ATM Procedure
Male Procedure
1) Drive up to the cash machine
2)
Wind down your car window
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4)
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5) Retrieve card, cash and
receipt
6) Wind up window
Female Procedure
1) Drive up to
cash machine
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window
to
machine
3) Re-start the stalled engine
4) Wind down the
window
5) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card
6) Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view
mirror
7) Attempt to insert card into machine
8) Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from car
9)
Insert card
10) Re- insert card right way up
11) Re- enter the handbag to
find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page
12) Enter
PIN
13) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14) Enter amount of cash
required
15) Re-cheek make-up in rear view mirror
16) Retrieve cash and
receipt
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18)
Place receipt in back of cheque book
19) Re-check make-up again
20) Drive
forward 2 metres
21) Reverse back to cash machine
22) Retrieve card
23)
Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into
the slot
provided
24) Re-check make-up
25) Restart stalled engine and pull
off
26) Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27) Release hand brake
The world's easiest quiz . . . or is it?
1 How long did the Hundred
Years War last?
2 Which country makes Panama hats?
3 From which animal do
we get catgut?
4 In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
5 What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6 The Canary Islands
in the Atlantic are named after what animal
7 What was King George VI's first
name?
8 What colour is a purple finch?
9 Where are Chinese gooseberries
from?
10 How long did the Thirty Years War
last?
Click here to skip to the answers
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--
---
--
-
Answers to
the quiz
1 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2 Ecuador.
3 From sheep
and horses.
4 November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5
Squirrel fur.
6 The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the
Dogs.
7 Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be
called
Albert.
8 Distinctively crimson.
9 New Zealand.
10 Thirty years, of
course. From 1618 to 1648.
Click Here for back to the Questions
What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats
on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A
trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A
pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over
you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He
gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
David 1 received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot
was fully grown with a
bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those
that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David 1
tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite
words, playing soft music, and
anything else that came to mind. Nothing
worked. He
yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the
bird
and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David 1 put the
parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the
bird
squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
suddenly, all was
quiet.
David 1, frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird,
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto David 1's
extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and
actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
David 1 was astounded at the
bird's change in attitude and
was about to ask what changed him when the
parrot
continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Thanks Fred, I needed that.
Squirrel Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small town had two
churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a
Synagogue. All three had a
serious problem with squirrels in their
building. Each in its own fashion had
a meeting to deal with the
problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it
was predestined that squirrels be in
the church and that they would just have
to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the
squirrels lovingly in
the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them
and released
them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all
back in
the church.
The Jews had the best solution. They voted the
squirrels in as members.
Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom
Kipper.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only
the
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a
pessimist
can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an
avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when
he found a dog that could actually walk on water
to retrieve a duck. Shocked
by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe
him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist
by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a
duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink
but instead walked across the water to retrieve
the bird, never getting more
than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the
dog walked across the surface of the
water to retrieve it.
The
pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single
word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything
unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the
pessimist. "He can't swim."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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