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The News Letter, 030302

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


NO, not me, not yet, BUT I'm working on it.


CALL A PRIEST:


A man was struck down by a bus on a very busy street. As he was lying near death after being pulled up onto the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators began to gather around him.
"My God, a priest. Somebody get a priest!"  the critically injured man gasped.

A policeman checked the crowd, and  yelled  out, "Is anyone here a priest?" Out of the large crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80-years-of-age.

"Mr. Policeman," said the old man, "I'm not a priest or even a
preacher,  I'm not even a Christian. But for 50-years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, in fact, most of it. So, maybe I can be of some comfort and assistance to this poor injured man here?"

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd away so the old man could get through to where the injured man was lying. The old Jewish fellow knelt down beside him, leaned over him, and said in a solemn voice,

"B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, 0-72........"




Having a bad day?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward
where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday
morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought that it had something to do with the
supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to
why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So
a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was
all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books and other holy objects to ward off the evil
spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie
Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the
ward and unplugged the life support system so that he
could use the vacuum cleaner.


YUP, we can protest anything here.


Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a
special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in
full view, a killer whale ate them both.


See Susan, that's how ya do it


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with
some kind of wire running from his waist towards the
electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


Nope, not really, just keep dreaming.


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,
Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose
and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.




What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to
sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he
opened it and was blown to bits. 
   Ah, too darn bad!!!




After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a
dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my
gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded
the lid on.

"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

"Don't come back here," he begged.


YOU really want back in that Kennel DON'T YOU !


In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and
said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first
filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about
him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.
Ok I'm gone, I didn't want to be here anyway.


A couple of F-15's fighters are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their
pilots are chatting with the pilot of the old transport plane to pass
the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective
aircraft.

The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of
their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and
pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I
can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly
straight and level.

After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, saying
"There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you
talking about? What did you do?"

And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs,
gota cup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."




While working as an agricultural inspector at the Arizona
state line, I found that addressing people in an informal manner
relieved their nervousness and minimized problems. One day when a car
with the vanity license plate "TVECL" stopped for inspection, I
approached the driver and said, "How are you, Mr. Tvecl?"

"Your pronunciation is fine," he replied, "but that's not
my name. I'm an optometrist, and those are the letters on
the bottom line of my eye chart."


First telegraph message, 24 May 1844


On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started
waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed
me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and
customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't
allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a
convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station
farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls
of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my
boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."




Dear Alcohol:
 

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.  First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling different from beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.  Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even there around the holidays, with
 
a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
 

Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions.  You see, I want to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
 

1.  Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
 

2.  Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat)
is beyond me.  Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a little too far.
 

3.  Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs.  Completely unnecessary.
 

4.  Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if calling 411 for Courtney Cox's number (in LA, I believe) IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell her last name surely amused the operator.  Surprisingly enough, she didn't seem to be listed.
 

5.  Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are therefore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
 

6.  Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not.  PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person.  This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1992 , and should heretofore be rendered illegal.  Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
 

Further ...  the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.  Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning booting) is completely unacceptable.  I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen with
 
a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities.  Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
 

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms.  You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets.  In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
 

Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters,
 
F.N.  Lush




New Conspiracy
 Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW. even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

 
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!


That would be my answer


CHILDREN EXPLAINING OLD PEOPLE

A nursing home is a place where you keep old people and make them share
a room with someone they don't like. They get medicines and meatballs
and every Saturday they get loaf cake with sultanas. (Lena, age 5)

In a nursing home, the teeth are loose. Everyone takes out their teeth
at night and puts them back in again in the morning. Then afterwards
there are morning prayers. (Camilla, age 6)

A hospital is full up with old people. They are crammed together. They
have often broken their joints or twisted the neck of their thighs.
(Pernille, age 7)

Care of the old is something old people have to get used to whether they
like it or not. (Anna, age 8)

Care of the old is sharing your cares with old people. (Hans Anton, age
7)

Grannies have large bottoms because they have had so many people sitting
on their lap that the lower part of their body has been pushed out. (I
knew there was a good reason!!!) (Henrik, age 8)

The best thing about my granddad is that he is him and doesn't pretend
to be some normal person. (Per-Ole, age 6)

Old ladies do not lay eggs. When you are about forty or fifty years old,
ladies stop laying. This means that they can no longer produce people.
Hatching begins around the age of fourteen and lasts until middle age.
(Johannes, age 8)

Old people cannot have children. Their ovaries are worn out and also the
men have problems with elections. (Stig Petter, age 9)

If old people could have children, it wouldn't b! e such a good thing.
The nursing homes are full enough already, so imagine if lots of
grandchildren and great-grandchildren also went there. (Johannes, age 8)

If a man says "I love you" to an old lady, she is furious because she is
fed up with hearing it. (Lisa Therese, age 7)

Being an angel is usually a woman's job. (Anna, age 9)




If you love something, set it free.
 
 If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
 
 If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
 
 If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
 stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!


NOW I just TOTALLY agree with the what this guy just said.


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.

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thanks, David 1







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