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The News Letter, 030409
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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded
man on a small island,
shouting and desperately
waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and
why is he so upset?" a
passenger asks the ship's captain.
"I have no
idea," says the captain; "but, every
year when we pass by here, he goes
crazy."
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and
were watching
the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to
jump from the Brooklyn
Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50
that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that
bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the
blonde gave the redhead
the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're
my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the
money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the
5
O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did
I but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking
your dog
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9.
The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are
all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated
with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water
bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out
with
copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing
using a #2 rosette
tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets
for
nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine
wreath adorns the
front of your dog's crate.
2. Your dog goes
outside naked and comes in wearing a
thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted
sweater with matching
boots.
1. The dog droppings in your backyard
have been sculpted
into swans.
was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why"?
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably
has germs".
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff"?
"Uh," I was thinking quickly,
everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a mommy".
"Oh".
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she
was evidently pondering this new information.
" I get it"! she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to
be the daddy".
Note from David 1: Yup dear that pretty much be it, this one I agree with.
There are two different types of people in this world :
1) Those who finish
what they start..................&
Subject: An Old Guys Opinion
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track
down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City
and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm
too old
> > > to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35
to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of
sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't
be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say
18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
only think about sex
a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000
additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to
be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the
enemy we'll complain them
into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet
and you shouldn't go to war
until you're at least old enough to legally
drink. An average old guy, on
the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of
beer by the time he's 35
and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack
and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old
doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee).
If
old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd
probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial
number would be a
real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're
used to
getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.
We've
also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them
almost
better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however.
I've been in combat and didn't see a
single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side , nor did I ever do any
pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give
me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world
ahead of him. He's still learning to shave.
To actually
carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing
and the boxer shorts sticking out.
To learn that a pierced tongue catches
food particles.
And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda
Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great
reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little
more about life before
sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those
dirty, rotten cowards who attacked
our hearts on September 11.
The
last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of
million old
farts with attitudes.
We'd like to help you with your struggle as
you diet:
(Sing to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your
Lover.)
You just skip all the snacks - Jack
Make a menu plan - Stan
Don't
drink beer with the boys - Roy
And listen to these...
Walk, (don't take
the bus) - Gus
You don't need to fuss much
Just ask an R.D. - Lee
And
set some goals, please!
Lose one to two pounds a week - Zeke
Eat a little
- Jess
Eat three meals a day - Ray
And remember that...
You gotta think
lean - Dean
And don't eat in between - Jean
Eat your food slow - Joe
If
you want to fight fat!
Take a ride on your bike - Mike
Swim a couple laps
- Chaps
Jog a mile or two -Stu
Get some exercise!
You can walk up the
stairs - Pierre
But remember to take care
When you're lifting weights -
Mates
Be a little wise.
You gotta cut out the cake -Jake
Pull your
sweet tooth - Ruth
Skip the Easter fudge -Judd
And you'll get the
knack.
Throw away the candy - Randy
But keep raw vegetables handy
Or
get some fresh fruit
For when you want a snack!
Don't shop when your
starved - Marv
And don't eat alone - Joan
Eat portions that are small -
Paul
There's really no trick.
Immediately clear the table - Mabel
And
soon you will be able
To say 'That's Enough!' - McGruff
And make your diet
stick!
You should decrease the carb - Barb
Don't use jam - Sam
And
avoid eating sweets - Pete
If you want to be thin.
Just watch what you
crave - Dave
Because the calories that you save
Could make the
differences
Whether you fail or win!
Choice the meats that are lean -
Irene
And trim off the fat - Pat
Broil (don't fry) - Guy
And watch what
you add.
Eat foods that are plain - Jane
And please try to refrain
From
gravy and sauce -Ross
Those calories are bad.
Exercise with a friend
-Ben
Cross country ski - Marie
And walk when you can - Dan
Encourage
your pals!
Do it three time a week or more -Gore
So that you'll be
sure
You're doing your share - Mare
To burn up those cals.
Forget candy
bars - Lars
Skip the dessert - Bert
Put away the pie - Vi
And watch
when you shop
Don't you dare cheat - Pete
By buying a sweet treat
Or
you'll tip the scale - Dale
And your diet will
flop!!!
Old Couple
A little old couple walked
slowly into McDonald's one cold winter. They
looked out of place amid the
young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of
the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers
were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a
lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked
right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then
paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started
taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of French
fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then
he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and
neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his
wife took a
sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man
began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple. All
they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to
eat his French fries one young man stood and came
over to the old couple! s'
table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing
everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten
a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them
something to eat.
This time the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing
everything together. As the
little old man finished eating and was
wiping his face neatly with a napkin
the young man could stand it
no longer. Again he came over to their table
and offered to buy
some food. After being politely refused again he finally
asked a
question of the little old lady.
"What is it that you are
waiting for?"
She answered...
[This is great]
"The Teeth"
Things I've learned about
Tennessee:
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in
the air.
There are 5000 types of snakes, and 4998 live in
Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in
Tennessee, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.
Squirrels will
eat anything.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato
plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when
they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it
bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get
stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping
cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a
picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is
one word.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and
then there's "supper."
Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and
you start drinking it when you're two.
"Backards and forwards" means
"I know everything about you."
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning
"Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't
matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to
see.
You know you're from Tennessee if:
1. You measure
distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air
conditioning in the same day.
3. You see a car running in a store
parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
4. You
use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
5. All
the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect
or animal.
6. You install security lights on your house and garage
and leave both unlocked.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car...
for your OWN car.
8. You know what "cow tipping" is.
9.
You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catsup.
10.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages
for local gossip and sports.
11. Your think that the first day deer
season is a national holiday.
12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a
little warm."
13. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.
14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past
time known as "Goin' wal-martin" or "Off to ' Wally World'."
15. You
describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean
weather.
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...
it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you
want?"
17. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
18. You
understand these and forward them to your friends from TN (and those who just
wish they were).
READ THIS ONE
CAREFULLY.............
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his
wife opening a package; what food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!
Retreating to
the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is
a mouse trap in
the house, there is a mouse trap in the house."
The chicken clucked and
scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,
I can tell you this is a
grave concern to you, but it is of no
consequence to me; I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mouse trap in the
house."
"I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized
the pig, "but there is
nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that
you are in my
prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow, who replied,
"Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse
trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?"
So
the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the
farmer's
mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the
house, like the sound
of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife
rushed to see what
was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see that
it was a venomous snake whose tail
the trap had caught.
The snake bit
the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
She returned
home with a fever.
Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh
chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's
main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and
neighbors came to sit
with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer
butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she
died, and so many
people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to
provide meat for all of them to eat.
So the next time
you hear that someone is facing a problem and think
that it does not concern
you, remember that when the least of us is
threatened, we are all at risk.
And so it may be with Germany, France and Belgium one day...
Did you know research scientists are now using Lawyers
instead of laboratory
animals to conduct experiments?
1) There's more of them.
2) There
are things even the animals won't do.
3) You don't get attached to the
lawyers.
A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of
Attorneys
**********************************************************
372.01
-Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo
hunting license may also
hunt and harvest attorneys for
recreational and sporting (non-commercial)
purposes.
372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls
is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is,
however,
prohibited.
372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle
is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being
driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck
by a motor vehicle, the dead
attorney should be removed to
the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed
to the nearest
car wash.
372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or
harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
372.05
-It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE",
or "FREE SCOTCH" for the
purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys
within 100 yards
of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on
Wednesday
afternoons.
372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within
200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or
hospitals.
372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the
same.
372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax
accountant
for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 -Bag Limits Per
Day:
* Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2
* Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1
*
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
* Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2
*
Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4
* Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered
species)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q:
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled its
latest stamps?
A: It had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out
which side to spit on!
Dog Songs
During the gulf war, three men, An Englishman, A
Scotsman
and An Irishman are captures by enemy soldiers.
Their general says to them
that he is feeling in a good
mood and will set them free, but only if they
sing a song
which has a dog mentioned in the song.
The Englishman
starts singing "You ain't nothing but a
hounddog" as sung by Elvis
Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set
free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in
the
window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set
free...
Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers in the
night..."
"Strangers in the night?" asks the general "Where's the
dog
in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says "It's
in
the chorus" And starts singing the chorus "Scooby
dooby doo be dooby doo
doo....."
A heart-warming story of the advances of women in
achieving equality
throughout the world..........
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in
Kuwait
several years before the Gulf War.
She noted then that women
customarily walked about 10
feet behind their husbands.
She returned to
Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind
their wives.
Ms.Walters approached one of the women and said,
"This is
marvellous. Can you tell the free world just
what enabled women here to
achieve this reversal of
roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman frowned and replied:
"Land mines."
A newly promoted colonel had moved into a makeshift office during the
Gulf
War. He was just getting unpacked when out of the corner of his
eye, he
noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way.
Wanting to seem
important, he grabbed the phone: "Yes, General
Schwarzkopf. Of course, I
think that's an excellent plan." He
continued: "You've got my support on it.
Thanks for checking with me.
Let's touch base again soon, Norm.
Good-bye."
"And what can I do for you?" he asked the
private.
"Uhhh, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
REPLACEMENTS FOR THE
FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by
the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save
It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm
Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes"
by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise
Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
from: Bob
The most
comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's,
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS
http://www.bwjokes.com
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Subject: Computer Smile
Thought you would like a
little smile...
A language teacher
was explaining to her class that
in French,
nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are
grammatically
designated as
masculine or feminine.
For
example,"House" in French, is
feminine........"La
maison." "Pencil" in
French, is masculine...."le
crayon."
One puzzled student
asked, "What gender is a
computer?" The teacher did
not
know, and the word was not in her French
dictionary.
So for fun she split
the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by
gender, and asked them
to decide whether "computer"
should be a masculine
or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons
for
their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should
definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la
computer"), because:
1. No one but
their creator understands their
internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in
long
term memory for possible
later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to
one, you find
yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be masculine
("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you
have to
turn them on;
2. They have
a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but
half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if
you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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