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The News Letter, 030415
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Now its time for the show to start !!!!
A man was in front of me coming out of church
one day,
and the preacher was standing at the door as he always
is to
shake hands.
He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him
aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the
Army of
the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord,
Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at
Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret
service."
from: Bob
The most comprehensive humor
archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's,
Sound clips, Video
Clips and PARODY SONGS
http://www.bwjokes.com
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix
airport, they
announced that the flight to Vegas was full.
The airline was looking for
volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100
voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an
hour
later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take
advantage of
the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat
down
grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If
there is
anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like
to volunteer, please step
forward..."
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted
to add a touch
of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a
friend, said that we were planning to
have wheat rather than rice thrown
after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said
solemnly,
"It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he
had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it
was so
bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
to a priest
and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the
priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put
a beach chair and your Bible
in your car and drive down to the beach. Take
the beach chair and the Bible
to the water's edge, sit down in the beach
chair, and put the Bible in your
lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle
the
pages, but finally the open
Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down
at the page and read the first
thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to
do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his
wife
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his
wife
in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an
envelope
stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a
donation in
thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the
benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he
asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the
beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in
your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they
stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you
saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Stage 1:
Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried
about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these
things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the
hospital for a genera check-up and a good rest.
I know the food's terrible, but I'm going
to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with
the floor supervisor.
Stage 2:
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound
of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to
bed like a good girl just for papa.
Stage 3:
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey.
Nothing like little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we
got any canned soup?
Stage 4:
Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've
fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie
down for a while.
Stage 5:
Why don't you take a couple of
aspirins?
Stage 6:
Why you'd just gargle or something
instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!
Stage 7:
Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you
trying to give me pneumonia?
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old
boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read
"RADAR
TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down
the
road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And
we
used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture
of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The
police responded
with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST:
A
young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's
Ball," He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got
back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car
for several minutes.
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)
Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_)
Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)
Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_)
Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M
_____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair
Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_)
Preacher
Spouse's
Name:_________________________
2nd
Spouse's
Name:______________________
3rd
Spouse's
Name:______________________
Lover's
Name:___________________________
Relationship
with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_)
Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_)
Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household:
_____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours:
______
Mother's Name:_______________________(If not sure,leave
blank)
Father's Name:_______________________ (If not sure,leave
blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do
you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate
box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles
that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of
vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:
___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____
bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year
of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If
no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The
National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera
Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a
UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen
Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How
often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not
Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____
Color of
hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_)
White
(_) Clairol
Color of tooth:
(_) Yellow
(_)
Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) Not Applicable
Brand
of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from
a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a
whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in
danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error -
Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is
wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error -
Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for
glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Noone knows what has
happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox
full
*WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
*WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window
closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look
inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this
happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our
developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012
Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh
?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr:
018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
new one. Old
windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our
fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please
reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal
error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a
penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be
inadeqaute.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own
code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And
wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr:
020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however,
requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed
and the virus will
be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not
been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr:
103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next
errors will not
be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do
you want to play
another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell
asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr:
815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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