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The News Letter, 030420
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Now its time for the show to start !!!!
HEY, Susan, this sounds like you (LOL)
You might be an internet newbie if:
YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS. ALL THE TIME.
oR YoU StIlL WrItE EmAiLs iN AlTeRnAtInG CaSe.
You believe what
people say in chatrooms is actually the
truth, and that girl in it really
WILL love you for ever.
..even though she hasn't seen you and you haven't
seen her!
You really believe the "get rich quick" scams you receive
in e-mail will work.
You can't associate surfing with web
pages.
You regularly report things you find on USENET to your ISP.
You still believe in the modem tax.
You think you saw it on your
last phone bill.
A *Virus Warning* that you once read now makes you
panic
whenever you get a message saying: Returned Mail: Host Unknown
Every time you've posted a message to a newsgroup, you've
been
flamed by at least ten people.
You've been flamed several times, but you
still don't
know the meaning of the term.
You post messages saying
"UNSUBSCRIBE" to the mailing
list that you've subscribed to....spelled
"UNSUBIBE,"
"UNSUBSCIBE," UNSBSCRIB," etc...
You think spam is a
type of lunch meat.
You can't tell the difference between a web URL and
an
e-mail address.
Your message submission from a submit form
says:
"Enter your submission here."
You think flaming someone
involves a lighter and an aerosol can.
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold
out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder
which was
brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they
returned with the
manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt
juror, he asked him if he had a very
difficult time convincing the other
jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other
eleven wanted to acquit. "
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard
night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as
you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub
to
your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer
Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
to the drunk
by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch
of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the
following
fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of
drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus
or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a
winged Beer
Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits
them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to
run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as
payment. This
answers the second uestion after a night out 'How did I spend
so much
money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety
record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI
(Unidentified Drinking
Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on
the top of your head.
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the
destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional
Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell
happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal
of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes,
in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately
one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and
quite often
lost
time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the
passenger
to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
For
the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are
designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you
tip-toe up the stairs,
you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special antigravity springs ensure
that you bump into every wall in
the house and the CTSGS(Coffee Table Seeking
Guidance System) explains
the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus
saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption
System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro
Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which
allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
wearing just a T-shirt.
& that just might be one of the reasons that I quit drinking not sure though
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL ...
You're sitting on a park
bench,
and a Boy Scout comes
up and helps you cross your legs.
*
It
takes a couple of tries
to walk over a speed bump.
*
You're on a TV
game show
and you decide to risk it all
and go for the rocker.
*
You look both ways
before crossing a room.
Here ya go Owen I think you asked me this one once, not sure though.
What Are The Dogs In Fire Engines For?
A nursery school teacher was
delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian
dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use
him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's
just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a
close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry
where I was
employed. My boss called me over and asked
if I would mind dropping off
someone's laundry on my way
home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized,
"who's eight
months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I
cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked
at the door. A
little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big
smile. "Is your mommy
home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I
explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped,
and her eyes went
wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train
Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
---------------------------
I know we must be winning the War because
yesterday I stopped at 7-11
to get gas and the owner surrendered to
me!
--------------------------
What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I
saw, Iran.
from: Bob
The most comprehensive humor
archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's,
Sound clips, Video
Clips and PARODY SONGS
http://www.bwjokes.com
Hey all, I'm giving this guy a
plug but I'll tell you now I use a lot of his stuff & a lot of it ends up
on my adult list ! So you have been warned !
Now this sounds more like
something I'd do to Susan if ya ask me (G)
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious
with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous
blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde
suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you
to
pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with
his
wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course
you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you
for
a raise."
"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you
one."
The Most Dangerous Phrases In The Human Language?
"I have an
idea"
"What happens if I push this button?"
"Sure, nobody will do
that"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"This is a foolproof
plan"
"Ah sure, it'll be grand"
"Just send us your credit card
details"
"I got this off the Web"
"Is there anything you want to tell
me?"
"This won't hurt a bit"
"Cut the red wire"
"Well, in my
opinion..."
"Nah we don't need a plumber, I can do it myself"
"Gaining a
little weight there, aren't you?"
"We need to talk..."
"Could you just
hold this for a moment"
"No! I don't need to ask for directions!"
"This is
going to hurt me more than it hurts you"
"We have hired consultants to help
us restructure the organization"
"Before you go home, could you have a quick
look at this?"
"Hi! I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
"It's
just a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about"
"It's just a rash"
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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