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The News Letter, 030520
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Now its time for the show to start !!!!
The Most Dangerous Phrases In The Human Language?
"I have an
idea"
"What happens if I push this button?"
"Sure, nobody will do
that"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"This is a foolproof
plan"
"Ah sure, it'll be grand"
"Just send us your credit card
details"
"I got this off the Web"
"Is there anything you want to tell
me?"
"This won't hurt a bit"
"Cut the red wire"
"Well, in my
opinion..."
"Nah we don't need a plumber, I can do it myself"
"Gaining a
little weight there, aren't you?"
"We need to talk..."
"Could you just
hold this for a moment"
"No! I don't need to ask for directions!"
"This is
going to hurt me more than it hurts you"
"We have hired consultants to help
us restructure the organization"
"Before you go home, could you have a quick
look at this?"
"Hi! I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
"It's
just a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about"
"It's just a rash"
GOING INTO SPACE
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go,
and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first
applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid
for going.
"A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate
it
to
M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same
question. He asked for
two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my
family", he explained,
"and
leave the other million for the advancement of
medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much
money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million
dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer
asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1
million,
I'll
keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your
favour," he announced. "With this report card, you
couldn't possibly be
cheating."
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate
their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large
city and they checked
into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a
small
room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!",
replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't
treat us like
we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much,
and
we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at
a
hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said,
"this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he
got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw
that
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to
learn a
trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized
as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a
weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always
reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.
The warden was
thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much
of the work
himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a
large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he
called Andy into his
office and asked him to complete the job for him. But,
alas, Andy refused. He
told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you
but counter fitting is
what got me into prison in the first place.''
Haircuts -- The difference between men and women
Women's
version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 1:
Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don't
think it's too fluffy
looking?
Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect.
I'd love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm
pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you
serious? I think your face is adorable. And
you could easily get one of those
layer cuts - that
would look so cute I think. I was actually going to
do
that except that I was afraid it would accent my
long neck.
Woman 2:
Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention
away from this two-by-
four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are
you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything
drapes so well on
you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they
are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much
easier.
----------------------------------
Men's
version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
The Age of Reason
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I took my two sons, ages seven
and five, to the playground at our
local park. My seven year old was very
proud that he was able to read
to his brother the sign with all the rules
posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in
motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on
a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised
to obey them
all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing
by to
watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and
their
friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made
them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my
wife preparing
our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children,
I decided to watch
them at a distance for a while to see how reliable
they were in following my
instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions.
That is,
all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide
and
slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the
children and escorted them over to the
posted regulations. I asked my seven
year old read to them
aloud once again - paying special attention to the
rules about the
slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for
themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy
- they
don't use slide rules anymore.
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humour
for no apparent
reason.
Why, just the other day she got mad when she
announced that
she was going to the beauty
parlour.
I asked, "Are you going in for an
estimate,
or are you going to get the work done?"
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While
looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very
lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was
so
incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.
He took it
to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh,
you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story,"
said the
wizened old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out $12. "Forget that!
I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story."
As he walked away
from the shop carrying his bronze rat, the tourist
noticed that a few real
rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down
the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A
couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd
of
rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now,
the tourist began to trot toward the Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks,
he looked around only to discover that the
rats now numbered in the MILLIONS,
and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he
ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far
as he could into
the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into
the Bay after the
bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop
in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for
story?"
"Nah," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze
Frenchman".
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech sup: OK, you've got the CD in
the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech sup: And what sort
of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a
computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises.
Listen.....
Tech sup: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a
scaffold,
managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the
scaffold on the way
down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he
climbed back up to continue working.
Then he noticed his co-workers holding
up hastily-made signs reading,
9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he
felt for
his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his
palette, took her in
his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models
let you kiss them," she
said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model
before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have
there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
Good to know facts
Did You
Know
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade
can relieve headache pain almost
immediately-without the unpleasant side
effects caused by traditional
pain relievers.
Did you know that Colgate
toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to he drugstore
for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a
couple of curiously strong
Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed
nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the
flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in
1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture
sit for 30 minutes,then apply it
as a massage oil, for instant relief for
aching muscles.
Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of
vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take
1 Tablespoon six times a day. The
vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections
with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it
at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract
infections almost
instantly-even though the product was never been advertised
for this
use.
Eliminate puffiness under your
eyes.....All you need is a dab of
preparation H, carefully rubbed into the
skin, avoiding the eyes. The
hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor,
relieving the swelling
instantly.
Honey remedy for Skin
Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab of
honey and place a band-aid
over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
skin sterile, and speeds
healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail
fungus....Get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in
Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking
healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection....To
prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of
Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to
the threads of the screws before
tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget
those expensive rust removers. Just
saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca
Cola and scrub the rust stain. The
phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets
the job done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as
bug killer....If menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your
home and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects
drop to the ground
instantly.
Smart splinter remover.....just
pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried
glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried
glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil
cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste
as a compress. The acids from
the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the
boil to a
head.
Balm for broken blisters.....To
disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine....a powerful
antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal
bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and
apply it to the bruise for
1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and
speeds up the healing
process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn
dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few
drops to your dog's bath and
shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well
to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye
fleas
Rainy day cure for dog
odor....Next time your dog comes in from the
rain, simply wipe down the
animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making your dog smell
springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites....All it
takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in
your cat's ear. Massage it in,
then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat
daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the
cat's skin, smothers the mites,
and accelerates
healing.
Vaseline cure for
hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply
a dollop of vaseline
petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will
lick off the jelly,
lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass
easily through the
digestive system.
Quaker Oats for fast pain
relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix
2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup
of water in a bowl and warm in the
microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and
apply the mixture to your
hands for soothing relief from arthritis
pain.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions, and it will
tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. I
got all four wrong.
But the real trick is to stop laughing.
Scroll down for each correct
answer. The questions are NOT
that difficult.
1. How do
you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The
correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things
in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an
elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open
the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the
refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to
think through
the
repercussions of your previous
actions.
3. The Lion King is
hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The
Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put
him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did
not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have
one more
chance
to show your true
abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by
crocodiles.
How
do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You
swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal
Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes.
According to
Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals
they tested got all questions wrong. But many
preschoolers
got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals
have the brains of a four
year old.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he
could hop high, the zoo officials put up a
ten-foot fence. He was out the
next morning, just roaming around
the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next
enclosure
asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The
kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks
the gate at
night!"
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen.
He goes back
into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head
without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF
YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA
BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO
WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!
AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN
TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He
saddles-up and starts to ride
out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say
partner,
before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The cowboy turned
back and said, "I had to walk home."
A blonde goes over to visit one of her friends.
While she is at her
friend's house it starts to rain very
heavily. Her friend tells her to spend
the night at her house and
go home the next day.
When she hears this,
the blonde rushes out the door and comes a
while later totally drenched and
carrying a small shopping bag.
So her friend asks "Where did you run off
too?"
"I went home to get my pyjamas!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most
wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The
detectives want him very badly."
Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you
keep him when you took his picture?"
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and
she
arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his
thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a
short
while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke.
She
placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in
her
purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the
machine.
Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke
Classic
and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately
took
the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment
and
pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She
placed
them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was
reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been
waiting patiently
for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me,
miss, but are you done
yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see
I'm still winning?"
My fifteen-year-old daughter Tammy was delighted when she got her
first job
as a hostess at a restaurant that has been owned and
operated by the same
family for years. At first everything went
smoothly, but after a busy
Sunday, my daughter returned home exhausted
and frustrated. Apparently the
owners kept looking over her
shoulder, directing every move, and Tammy said
she came very close to
quitting.
After listening to her tirade of
complaints, I responded, "So you
don't like working there
anymore?"
"Oh," my teenager replied, "I like working there just fine.
I just don't like them working there."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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