By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it.
Now its time for the show to start !!!!
I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live in
Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of pizza we
wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another. "Give us a
large vegetarian pizza, but put pepperoni on half." The guy behind the
counter VERY straight-faced and quite seriously asked, "Which half would you
like the pepperoni on?" Without missing a beat, I said, "The right
half!" He wrote "Pepperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it
to the guy who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded
to make us our pizza. About 20 minutes later, they called my name.
When I went to pick up the pizza, I noticed that it was sitting so that the
pepperoni was to my right, but the counter person's left. I could not
resist. I said, "Hey, I wanted the pepperoni on the right side not the left
side!" This taught me not to be such a smart *ss in the future. The
clerk, looking worried, grabbed the pizza, and tossed it into the trash
saying, "Darn, I'm sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make
you another one right now!" 20 minutes later, I kept quiet and ate the
pizza! My friend and I did laugh about it for quite some time. Especially
when the clerk gave us each a free beer and said he was sorry for the mistake
and sorry we had to wait!
Note to Susan !
NO there will never be a cure for that so quit dreaming.
& now back to the show !
Paul's teacher send a note home to his mother saying "Paul seems to be a very
bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and
girls."
Paul's mother wrote back the very next day, " If you find a
solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father."
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to
place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will
be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign,
remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be
eating here."
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the
morning.
"I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps
with his dog."
Rules for parking if you are rude
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking
spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on
the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is
preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and
have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half
way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a
spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another
driver signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the
other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle
with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking
lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another
at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store
and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are
stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up
and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite
direction is signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car
so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule
#10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a
dent,wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours, to drive down
the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot
like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the
vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle
turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14
- When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through the narrow
"ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating
one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you
see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in
shopping centre parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the
back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an
infant's diaper in a parking lot,leave the soiled diaper under the car next
to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull
out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the
mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette,
and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at
what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot,
if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper
and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if
the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it
go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre,
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are
getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle
and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which
requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more
shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you
load your car and signalling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking
back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get
to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's
alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of
them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in
the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into
a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper &
start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses.
On a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car.
They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!
Jimmy timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," said
Jimmy, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"
"No, I'm
not!" said the impatient man.
"Ah ... er ... well," said Jimmy, "you
see, I am, and that's his coat you're putting on."
Forgetfulness
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was
becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his
patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was
troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting
forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether
I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do
once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I
do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, "Pay me in advance."
-What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in
time?" It means that if you had waited any longer, it
would have cleared up by itself.
-Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look
at this chart. You're overweight. Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6
inches too short.
The Teacher asked, "All
right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary
answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can
tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat
milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me
what the cow gives?"
And Little David 1 replied, "Homework!"
A couple, desperate to
conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.
"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm
there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years
later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily
attending to two sets of twins.
Elated, the priest asked her where
her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to
Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
This is NOT just todlers Folks !
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my
hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I
had it a week ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be
yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces
are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think
it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it it's near me, it's mine.
10.If it's
broccoli, it's yours.
The three bears had been having some trouble
recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting
up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So,
the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living
with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his
father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me
terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your
mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than
Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite
know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any
relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes,"
answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're
sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Ok folks the rest of this page is just pics
cause I ran out of text files that I can use on a g rated site {LOL}
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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